Tag Archives: eccentricity

I Could Just Scream

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Sometimes life is so hard I could just scream. I would scream and tear my hair out if it would help, but it doesn’t. Nobody hears me. It’s as if I’m in an empty canyon. All I get back is the echo of my frustration. So I come here and tap away on the keyboard. Muttering here brings me more relief and solutions than anything else. My fingers do the talking and somehow the impulses and words travels to my whole body. I am listening and feeling. I hear/feel the problems. My brain processes them, spins its wheels and offers up a few alternatives for me to choose.

It’s been a hard lesson learning to save and use my energy wisely. I am a round peg in a world of square holes. No matter how hard I try, I can not make myself fit and be heard. I don’t think it is such a bad thing. I’ve learned to march to the rhythm of my own beat. I’m surviving. Each of us sees the world differently. It doesn’t mean that I am seeing wrong. I’m seeing different. I’ve been told I’m eccentric long time ago because I butter my toast with avocado and I read ‘weird books’. In that case I guess there’s weird writers out there.

Today I am celebrating my weirdness and eccentricity. I like being a round peg in the midst of square holes. Acceptance is bringing me alot of relief. Writing brings me alot of relief. So ends day 2 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

AS IF

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I woke up this morning with a sense of ‘wishy washy’, not wanting to get out of bed.  Somehow my body knew that the day was overcast and cloudy…not inviting at all.  I was not filled with vim but maybe vinegar.

But at least I was not filled with dread, a sense of impending doom.  My heart was not in my mouth.  My heart was not anywhere. But I got out of bed anyways, washed my face, brushed my teeth, made my tea….the whole morning thing.  I read another part of Susan Cain’s book, Quiet, the Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking.

The book is helping me to understand my ‘eccentricity’, my quirks, my not enjoying having fun.  Is that a contradictory phrase?  I am understanding myself as an introvert and my Chinese-ness.  We have a propensity for thoughtfulness, study, the quiet….like Confucius and Lao Tzu.  So what chance do I really have of being a gregarious Chinese cheerleader?

At long last, I’m beginning to accept myself as I am.  This morning I tell myself it is okay that I don’t feel overwhelming joy.  I don’t have to cheer, ZIP, BOOM, BAM, HURRAH!  I can just mosey along at my snail’s pace.  I’ve just cracked my first smile of the day.

Routine and good habits are wonderful.  They can save your day and life when you can’t.  Though I feel slow as a turtle and ugly as a frog, I’m moving right along.  In my head I’m moving as if I have the speed and ease of a gazelle and the grace and beauty of fairy princess.  I can enjoy life as a quiet feast.  And we, the Chinese certainly enjoy feasting.

Breakfast and dishes are done and put away.  Sheba and I have tripped the light fantastic around the neighbourhood.  The sun is out.  It is as if the clouds never were.