I woke up this morning with a sense of ‘wishy washy’, not wanting to get out of bed.  Somehow my body knew that the day was overcast and cloudy…not inviting at all.  I was not filled with vim but maybe vinegar.

But at least I was not filled with dread, a sense of impending doom.  My heart was not in my mouth.  My heart was not anywhere. But I got out of bed anyways, washed my face, brushed my teeth, made my tea….the whole morning thing.  I read another part of Susan Cain’s book, Quiet, the Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking.

The book is helping me to understand my ‘eccentricity’, my quirks, my not enjoying having fun.  Is that a contradictory phrase?  I am understanding myself as an introvert and my Chinese-ness.  We have a propensity for thoughtfulness, study, the quiet….like Confucius and Lao Tzu.  So what chance do I really have of being a gregarious Chinese cheerleader?

At long last, I’m beginning to accept myself as I am.  This morning I tell myself it is okay that I don’t feel overwhelming joy.  I don’t have to cheer, ZIP, BOOM, BAM, HURRAH!  I can just mosey along at my snail’s pace.  I’ve just cracked my first smile of the day.

Routine and good habits are wonderful.  They can save your day and life when you can’t.  Though I feel slow as a turtle and ugly as a frog, I’m moving right along.  In my head I’m moving as if I have the speed and ease of a gazelle and the grace and beauty of fairy princess.  I can enjoy life as a quiet feast.  And we, the Chinese certainly enjoy feasting.

Breakfast and dishes are done and put away.  Sheba and I have tripped the light fantastic around the neighbourhood.  The sun is out.  It is as if the clouds never were.

About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.
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7 Responses to AS IF

  1. amypeacelove says:

    This was a beautiful outpouring of thoughts. Thank you so much for sharing this. I just fell in love with your spirit.

  2. Sherri Stone says:

    I loved that book and it started me on my journey to understand myself. I didn’t understand the concept of introversion and I’m 48 years old. I’ve been a misfit more in the job world than my personal life. Glad to have read your post!

  3. drybredquips says:

    Glad you liked “scissors run.” Thanks and best to you.

  4. drybredquips says:

    Thanks for liking “second nature.” Best to you in your quest for self discovery. All writing is, in a way, a sort of self revelation.

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