Tag Archives: breaking habits

2 EGGS, 3 STRIPS OF BACON, 2 SLICES OF TOAST, HASH BROWNS AND A COFFEE

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It happens. I’ve had a couple of not so good sleep nights. I suffer for it. I really do. I notice it all the more now that I’m a recovered sleeping person. But like all recovered/recovering people, I fall off the wagon occasionally. The good thing is that I haven’t resorted to all my previous coping methods or behaviour – much. I haven’t fallen back into the teapot, staying with my 2 cuppa day limit. I was tempted. You know that feeling, groping towards comfort drinks and food. I was tempted to head out to A&W for that promise of an awesome breakfast yesterday. 2 eggs, 3 strips of bacon, 2 slices of toast, a hash brown and a small coffee for only $4.99!

As luck would have it, that coupon had expired the previous day.  To do myself proud I had already nixed the idea before I realized that. I have worked hard all winter learning how to break the habit of myself. Apparently Dr. Joe Dispenza knows his stuff. His method is working for me. For sure I am struggling a bit alot. It shows that I’m not caving into my previous habitual self. No pain, no gain as they say. I’m accepting my flaws. I’m embracing my humanity.

I must admit that I have a bit of the blues, not the curled-up-in-a-ball, down and out kind of depression. I’ve never had that kind. I’ve always struggled up. I’m an irksome, annoying kind of Chinese chick. I keep getting up and wanting to improve on things. I think I’m good enough now. I’m working on things. Finally most of university and nursing textbooks are recycled. I’ve kept the one for my class on the Philosophy of Religion. The class and the professor were privotal in my young life. He could see that I was troubled and floundering. He cancelled a scheduled class to spend the hour with me.

“The class today is cancelled. Miss Leung, may I see you in my office?” He announced. I can still hear the shuffle of feet and gathering of books as my classmates rose from their desk. They cast glances at me on their way out. I wonder what she did, their expressions queried. I followed my professor to his office. The memory is more precious to me now than at the time. It is only in the present I recognized how valuable that hour was. I’m not feeling at all insignificant but valued. Even though my mentor, Caroline Myss says nobody is special, I’m feeling special.

It’s a cool day. It’s almost 2 pm and only 11 degrees Celsius. I’m not feeling overly ambitious but I’m still piddling steadily along. Like the FlyLady says, I’m not behind. I’m starting where I am. Though I didn’t feel like it, I’ve put all my bedding plants out again on the deck. They’ll toughen up and get sturdier for their permanent transplant in the beds later. I’ve cleared off another small area in the basement, organized my sewing stuff, collapsed and folded up the table. I’m finishing my thoughts here and taking the last sips of my Rooibos tea. Yup, going herbal and organic. Now to tend to the lunch dishes.

ORDER, VIRTUES AND BENJAMIN FRANKLIN

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Here I am, a little earlier than usual. When I am stuck, I shuffle my deck of cards and try to come up with something else. Staying stuck frustrates and discourages me. Then I start feeling sorry for myself. No point in crying a bucket of tears or get shaky with anxiety. I come back to my rule of the index card/quilting square. They’re small and manageable. It’s easier to touch the edges. I will not get lost. And in this space here,  I tap, one letter at a time. I get a sentence, then two. Soon a thought, then an idea forms. My body relaxes, I unfurl my brow. I tap on.

My hip pain is mostly gone, though the memory is still in my muscle. It reminds me every time I get up. It’s only a faint whisper but enough so that I carry on with my stretches 3 times a day. I’m not quite as eager to do them now that the acute pain is gone. But I’m listening to Benjamin Franklin’s voice. “An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.” I’m obeying, being a good adult.

I wish that Ben had been talking to me way before now. I would be in a better place if I knew it is easier to prevent bad habits than to break them. No matter.  I am now learning how to break them. I have read 46% of Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself.  Understanding the mechanics of how I got here makes it easier to dismantle the old bad habits. Don’t ask me to explain just right now. I’m into the wine. My head is a little bit fuzzy. I’ve been downstairs working at organizing all my sewing paraphernalia. It’s a chore – so many years of gathered STUFF.

I had to come up for air after an hour or so. BUT all the threads are sorted, the buttons in their container, the zippers, seam bindings, elastics, lace, and velcro gathered and in their places.The fabrics are in their bins with lids closed. I found all the seam rippers. Now I have 4. If only I could find my quilt rotary cutter! It will show when it’s ready, I guess. I am happy to have made this much progress. Tomorrow is another day. The dust and other stuff can wait. It would do me well to study and work on Ben Franklin’s 13 virtues a little each day.

1. TEMPERANCE. Eat not to dullness; drink not to elevation.
2. SILENCE. Speak not but what may benefit others or yourself; avoid trifling conversation.
3. ORDER. Let all your things have their places; let each part of your business have its time.
4. RESOLUTION. Resolve to perform what you ought; perform without fail what you resolve.
5. FRUGALITY. Make no expense but to do good to others or yourself; i.e., waste nothing.
6. INDUSTRY. Lose no time; be always employ’d in something useful; cut off all unnecessary actions.
7. SINCERITY. Use no hurtful deceit; think innocently and justly, and, if you speak, speak accordingly.
8. JUSTICE. Wrong none by doing injuries, or omitting the benefits that are your duty.
9. MODERATION. Avoid extreams; forbear resenting injuries so much as you think they deserve.
10. CLEANLINESS. Tolerate no uncleanliness in body, cloaths, or habitation.
11. TRANQUILLITY. Be not disturbed at trifles, or at accidents common or unavoidable.
12. CHASTITY. Rarely use venery but for health or offspring, never to dulness, weakness, or the injury of your own or another’s peace or reputation.
13. HUMILITY. Imitate Jesus and Socrates.

WALKING MY TALK

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It’s friggin’ hard!

If I am wanting changes, new feelings, new results, new everythings, I best give up doing the same old, same old. Realization is one thing. Doing is another. Mornings often find me dragged down with old issues. I’m weighed down with feelings of avoidance, cornered with no escape. I reluctantly gave up the warm fuzzy comfort of my housecoat, got into my day clothes and made some dreaded phone calls. It didn’t solve everything, but one step further. It’s an action.

I always talk a great talk, don’t I? It’s been said that I know how to talk. I wonder if I ever put them into action. Sometimes I feel like a broken record, playing the same song over and over. I’m putting an effort into ‘walking my talk’. Everything about it is hard – getting into day clothes, phoning, sitting here, making a start. It’s going against the grain, that nail against the chalkboard. I’ve made a start of Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself. It’s not an easy read for me right now. My mindset is on thrillers. Y is for Yesterday is in my possession. I much rather read it instead. I see it has many bad reviews. I probably will like it very much. But I’ll persevere with the former – a little every day.

I’m liking what the author, Dr. Joe Dispenza, has to say, despite the difficulty of understanding quantum physics. We are more powerful than we realize. It’s also something that my guru, Caroline Myss says many times. They both stress that we are in the energy age, that matter is made up of energy. Thoughts are powerful. I heard that one also from the ER doctor tending me on one visit. It was instumental in helping me over my panic attacks. That and his genuine belief and concern for my distress. Energy travelling through his demeanor and voice towards me.

I like to take away a few new points in my daily reading. Today I’m making note of how powerful my thoughts/I am and that matter is made up of energy. Rather than spending my thoughts on the things that I don’t want, I should be thinking about the things I do want. AND I’m putting into practice of doing those things that needed doing but somehow my head finds difficult and want to put off. I sound silly and lazy when I say getting my car washed, filling it with gas, taking Sheba to the doggy wash, buying my shampoo….are difficult. They ARE so difficult in my head. Perhaps my brain dyslexic or injured. I’m hoping the habit of repetition will make things easier.

I try to do one or two difficult things a day. I did the car wash and gas fill up on Monday. Today after the dog park, we went to the doggy wash. Sheba was not thrilled but she is sweeter smelling. She liked the doggy treat part. We stopped for my shampoo on the way home. The thing for me to remember is not to be overwhelmed with too many things on the to-do list. I need to disassociate emotions/feelings from the activity. It’s a step by step process. There’s nothing difficult about going to the car/doggy wash, gassing up, etc. Just do, don’t think or feel.