Tag Archives: behaviour

The Addict in Me

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A sunny May 10th. I feel as if I’ve been in constant motion the last while. I’m breathless with it. My head is in a spin and full of things I need/want to do. What I want/need to do is to stop and get off the merry-go-round. How do I do it? My head hurts thinking about it. You can stop your body but it’s not so easy with your thoughts. It helps to tap on my keyboard in a steady, slow pace and let the rhythm sooth my head and slow my breath.

I do wonder why I get myself into this mess. The more I do, the more I want to do. This is as bad as the sugar, tea, and many other addictions. The more I have, the more I want, even after they are no longer feel good. It’s a treadmill difficult to step off. I stopped smoking because I had to. I had pain shooting up my nose. That was when I discovered my nostrils were all tarry and I had incomplete sinuses. Then there was the year we had bacon and eggs every morning. That added up – the pounds, that is. And the year we had ice cream every night also put on the pounds.

After I quit smoking, I couldn’t stand the smell of smoke. The ice cream didn’t taste all that great after we stopped. Tea tasted blah after too many cups. And yet, it is hard for me to stop all these addictive things. I think it is a habit, the repetitive habit of lighting up a cigarette, making a cup of tea, etc. before I do anything, or if I get stuck on doing something. I’m also addicted to doing challenges on social media – writing a blog post/daily for a month and doing an activity for a hundred days. They are all good things until I get obsessive about them. Sometimes it would be healthy for me to miss a day or two or even to just quit. Just to show I can stop.

I’m all revved up, typing up a storm. I should just stop now to show that I can. I can and I will. I need to chill.

SWEATING THE SMALL STUFF LESS

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A lovely summer evening. It was a perfect afternoon, too. I’ve been able to sit in this space in perfect comfort. Perfect weather is rare this summer. It alternates between stifling heat, rain, wind, thunder and lightning. I’m enjoying this peaceful lull, watching the sunlight fade on the garage wall. I am sipping my decaf and tapping on the keyboard.

I’m late again with my words. Life happens as they say. Things come knocking on my day. Before I know it, a bunch of time is gone. So here I sit, making excuses again. What I didn’t do was to seize the day, the opportunities, the time. It is not a bad thing. Sometimes I just have to let things come and go. I am not what they call a go-getter. I am not lazy but I do like to daydream, heave my sighs and think about moving. I like to say it’s my natural state but that’s making excuses again. What it is, is that I have some bad habits.

This month of July, the month of the Ultimate Blog Challenge, I’m paying more attention. I’m being more mindful. I’m learning more about myself – the good, the bad and the ugly. I think I’m correcting some of my bad habits and behaviour. I’m working through my avoidance, getting over those ugly feelings of “I don’t want to…..and life is hard.” I’ve worked through those overwhelmed feelings by tackling one thing at a time. Multi-tasking is not good for my brain. I’m feeling less of my uglies – anxiety and depression. Life is easier. I’m sweating the small stuff less.

It is almost 9 pm. The sun is gone but it is still light. I can still see the blue of the sky. How wonderful the day. How wonderful my life.

 

TORN BETWEEN DECISIONS

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It’s 2:55 pm and I’ve just sat down. 5 minutes before Sheba’s supper hour, 5 minutes to have a bit of fun with disciplining and waiting. She does a sit and down beautifully. I give her praise and talk. She’s bobs up like a Jack-in-the box. I thought it best if we just do and down and stay with no talk. We did a companiable look into each other’s eyes until the eating hour. Then it’s tossing and squeaking that damn chicken with her before I can have some peace and tapping time.

Life is full, complex and perplexing. I look forward to my Saturday morning swim all week. When the time came, I was torn wanting to stay at home with my tea and book instead of heading out in almost complete darkness. Getting into the water is not very appealing on a dark winter’s morning. Neither choice is bad. I made up my mind that I was not going to feel guilty whichever one I decided on. I was not going to suffer the guilt. Because what would be the point of that?

Being that I swim only once a week on Saturdays and that it was the best possible time decided for me. I stopped thinking, packed my bag and went out the door. Everything is easier when you stop going back and forth. It doesn’t matter which choice. Just choose one and enjoy. Many times this past week, I’ve caught myself agonizing over small decisions. Then I fret the guilts following such decisions. When the truth is It Really Doesn’t Matter. The world is not going to collapse because I did/said one thing instead of another. The only one to suffer would be me.

I’ve suffered through many such moments of stupidity. They have spoiled good times. They have distracted me to no ends with useless intruding thoughts and guilt. Oh, why did I say that? Why did I do that? I shouldn’t have. I could’ve. The litany of self admonishment ran endlessly through my head. They would have rendered me deaf and sightless to whatever was going around me. In other words, I would be lost to the world.

I console myself for having recognized my behaviour. Now I can try to change some of that. It won’t be easy, I know, but now that the light bulb is lit, I can’t hide in the dark. I wouldn’t want to. I can slowly inch towards the light. No one need to know that I trash myself over and over. I don’t need to announce my shortcomings. There’s no need to toot my horn either. I will not gnash my teeth at my failures or gloat over successes.

The day is coming to an end. I need to give it a rest. Some days are better than others. Some words are better than others. Tomorrow is another day.