No Easy Way/Thing

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My brain still hates how hard and long real work takes. It hates that you can’t push a button or twitch your nose like in Bewitched and things get done. It’s almost 3 hours later that I’m finished weeding and planting 2 cucumbers and a bitter melon in the greenhouse, planted 8 cabbages in the raised bed and filled 3 raised beds with water. While I had the hose out, I washed the dust off 2 walls of the house and the walkway.

I can’t say I was loving all that work. I’m hot, sweaty and dusty. I have a whole summer of that to look forward to. Oh my God, what was I thinking of! Yet if not putting my heart and muscles into the earth, what would I do? I don’t have a yearning to lounge on an ocean liner or on the beach. Been there and done that. I wouldn’t call myself a globe trotter but I’ve seen and lived in different parts of the world. I’m not mad for travelling, though I feel I ought to. I feel guilty I don’t. The first thing people ask when you retire is are you going to travel. Why is that?

I I think there is no easy way to have a meaningful life. It’s no easy thing to find purpose and passion. You have to do the work, dig deep, till your mind, plant seeds, water and add compost regularly to percolate it all and watch for germination and growth. That is it. That is all.

When I’m Stuck

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When I’m stuck, immobilized, not knowing what to do, the computer is frozen and my tea is too hot to drink, I turn to my dirty dishes and start washing. Thus, I’m unstuck, moving again. When I’m done, my tea is cold and I have to warm it up in the microwave. My computer is still frozen. I forced it close and restarted it. I sip my tea and wait.

I get impatient. I pace, sipping my tea. I go down to the basement. What a mess! I’m angry with myself. I move things off the kitchen floor and set the Roomba to work. Meanwhile, I go into the livingroom and move the bags of mom’s clothes off the floor for Roomba to roomba next. Now the downstairs livingroom and kitchen floors are vacuumed. Roomba is now doing the rest of the downstairs. My computer is unfrozen and so am I. I should get angry with myself more often. It’s better than staying stuck and frustrated, wasting time and energy.

The next thing to do is deal with my mother’s bags of stuff. That’s for another day. I’ll slot it for next week so it will happen.

Little Gems

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I’ve been so happy that I have been showing up here almost every day. I’ve made it possible by keeping it simple and easy. No Pulitzer award writing from me. Rather it’s just some mumbling from my every day life. Now that it’s spring with summer not too far off, my days are busier and busier. Some days I am overwhelmed with all the clutter in my head with things to do. But this is May, my designated month of changing habits. I take a deep breath in, clearing head and lungs.

I harvested my first little French Breakfast radishes yesterday morning. What beautiful little gems they were. And delicious too. They remind me that a little effort goes a long way. I was not in a gardening mood this year but I could not just let everything go to pots. I have to try, give it some effort, every day no matter how small. Time passes whether we want it to or not. So here we are, weeks later,I got something beautiful to behold, something delicious to tease my taste buds. If I had not tried, none of this would happen.

Thus motivated, I’ve been to the greenhouse this morning. I harvested some lettuce and brought out the trays of seedlings for some fresh air. They showed their appreciation for my small effort. They’re perky and freed of aphids, nodding in the breeze. What more could I ask of them?

Gardening Woes

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I hate how everything takes time, energy and effort. I’m in a complaining mode already. Not a good way to start the day. It is what it is. I must be feeling the ups and downs in the weather and temperatures. I woke up to 1℃. I wondered how my little tomatoes under the hood of the raised bed. Was I foolish planting them yesterday knowing the low was going to be 2℃? It was useless wondering since the deed was already done.

I need not have worried, for now at least. The tomatoes looked fine. Meanwhile, in the greenhouse, not everything was. The bitter melons, all four of them, had red aphids on them. Then I noticed that the peppers I hadn’t planted also had them. So it was squishing with my fingers and squirting soapy water to wash them off all. Now hoping the bitter melons will survive. Maybe I should start a few more. There’s still time. This is what I get for not paying attention.

To make matters worse, I found the bed of peppers planted a couple of days ago all had red aphids on their under leaves. I’ve just finished squishing them all by hand. The hopeful thing is I spy some ladybugs present. They do eat aphids. I’m surprised to learn that ants and aphids are symbiotic. So woe is me for I do see them in the bed, too. I’m feeling a little/alot overwhelmed. I set a dish of sugar laced with borax to kill the ants. Then I sprayed the pepper leaves with soapy water.

Now I have to sit back and try to relax. I do have alot of pepper plants. I have taken appropriate measures. I have learned a lesson. You can’t neglect without a cost. You have to put in the time one way or another. Some ways are easier than others.

How to do Anything

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I set my goal to change habits in this merry month of May. It would help if I identify those habits that I want to change. One is that is almost universal is procrastination. Today, I finally tended to an email notifying my GIC is almost up for renewal. Well, I was too late. It matured. It didn’t rolled over as I thought it might. It was cashed into my savings acount. In this case it was a good thing. I had intentions of moving it to a different bank. I did not like this bank’s service. Perhaps my account was too small for them to give me much attention. I was ignoring and procrastinating on making a change. This time it was done for me. I am going to use this as momentum in keep moving what I can when I can. There’s no reason to tolerate bad service.

Another bad habit I want to work on is to stop sagging. Some days when my spirit sags, the whole of me do so at the same time. It’s not a good way to be. No matter what, the world keeps revolving. I have to do the same. I do not have to let everybody know how I feel. I can still smile, greet people and carry on as best as I can for the moment. I still need to get up, dress up and show up. There’s a multitude of resources on how to do just about anything. I’m good at checking out resources. It’s another to actually putting them into use. I’m working on that now.

I’m not sagging too badly today because I felt it coming. I want to put a stop to it. When I feel saggy I get up and do something small and easy. I’ve tended to the procrastination. I was too late but I’ve learned from it. Don’t think too much. Just do. I’ve thought out what we will have for lunch. I was feeling overwhelmed with how much gardening there is. I decided not to let my ‘feelings’ drain my energy. Instead I will start to plant a bit in the afternoon and see where it will take me. I’ve done it many times before. What won’t get done/succeed today will happen another time. Take one thing/step at a time. Just give it my best and learn from it.

Amazement

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I am amazed at how bright and hot the May sun is. By 9 am the greenhouse was already 30℃ with shade down, vents and door opened. My sunroom was bathed in bright light by 7 am. It showed every little speck of dust. The sun came through as a cloudy haze. I ran my fingers on a window pane. It was gritty. So it wasn’t my eyes. It was dust.

I am amazed how easy and hard it was to clean the windows. A squirt bottle filled with apple cider vinegar laced water, a dust cloth and a stepping stool were all the tools I needed. Squirt and wipe, squirt and wipe. I am amazed at how many windows I got in the sunroom – 3 wallls. I got hot and sweaty after 1½ walls. I’m tired, too, hopping on and off the stool. I’m having a breather and a cup of tea.

I am amazed at how green and lush everything has grown in the greenhouse the last couple of days. The snowpeas are almost even with the rock wall. The lettuce bushy. The spinach is catching up. The radish are radishing. I planted most of the pepper seedlings in the raised bed yesterday. I will have to repot some of the tomatoes or plant them soon. They are getting spindly and outgrowing their pots. Then there’s the cucumbers and bitter melons. The bottle gourd has not yet germinated. Will it?

I am amazed that Mother’s Day is a week away. How time flies. It will be a year since mom fell the day before Mother’s Day and broke her hip. I remembered the phone call from my father as I was just sitting down at a restaurant with my friends. The rest is history as people would say. I am amazed at her resiliency. Her hip mended. She was still bright, alert and orientated x3. She could ambulate and get to the bathroom on her own. She was still fiercely independent, disliking homecare. But the trauma was too much for her body. Though she didn’t qualify for a nursing home, she did for heaven 5 months later.

I am amazed at how beautiful her tulips are, blooming away for her. I am happy to be so amazed.

Saturday – Changing Habits

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It’s a warm Saturday morning at 23℃. Yikes! It’s 35℃ in the greenhouse. The shade is down, the vents and the door are opened. It’s almost noon. I’ve been a busy beaver with just a small spell of wasteful scrolling. Today it was on Dick York of Bewitched and on how to break bad habits. So it wasn’t all wasteful. Some good came out of it. What caught my eye on breaking bad habits was an article from the Economist. Of course I couldn’t access the whole thing, not being a paid subscriber. Still one sentence saying small rewards and a change of scenery can help. I have to keep that in mind as I tranverse through the merry month of May.

Changing habits can be a good goal for me this month. There’s lots of good tips online besides the ones from the Economist. I will make it easy. I will make it simple. I will give up perfection. Good enough is good enough. It will be my mantra this month. I’ve started May and today on the right foot. I haven’t dropped the ball. Still here, encouraging myself one slow step at a time. I’m not procrastinating as much. This morning I’ve changed the bedding. It’s all washed and hung up to dry. I’ve dust mopped the floor. I’ve cleaned up a small corner in the backyard. Lunch and dishes all done. Good enough for now. Looking forward to an art show later this afternoon. It’s a good reward.

How Time Slips Away

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Isn’t it funny how time just slips away? Here it is after 2 in the afternoon already. There’s still alot of day left and alot of things yet to do. But I feel like crashing. I’m a weather vane. I’m feeling the sudden rise of 22℃ from the cool of yesterday. I’ve already pulled down the shade in the greenhouse in the morning. The vents and the door are opened. And it’s still 30.4℃. I feel limp like the seedlings. They need repotting or planting soon. I will have to find/make time.

Though I know the dangers of scrolling in the morning, I was still drawn in by a catchy headline on the Olsen twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley. What I thought was going to be a short blurb turned into many next, next, next…I never did get to the final next. I managed to curb my scrolling addiction after many minutes and tended to my bread making. That, too, took many minutes but it was a good many-minutes addiction. I ended up with 6 loaves of beautiful golden brown bread. I won’t have to do it again for awhile.

While I was resting from my bread making efforts, I got caught up in a post about the tribute fund for Dr. Sarah Jenkins, who lost the battle with mental health. What is it about such tragic stories that I had to find out all the details? I don’t know her. This is the first time I’ve heard of her. Yet I had to find out everything that I could about her. She was so young, beautiful and vibrant. It was awhile before I could let that go and come back into my own life and day.

My day didn’t totally slip away. I got my 6 loaves of bread made. Making them was harder than going to the gym. It was a better workout, taking up hours of my morning. I had my visit with my father this afternoon. I didn’t do any walking with him. I was tired. It was sunny and hot. He did a little walking with his cane on his own in the backyard. Good enough! I said. I did some watering in the greenhouse. Pulled some weeds in the raised beds. Now I’m finishing up this post. Good enough, I said again.

Keeping the Ball Rolling

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Today is the first day of the merry month of May. It’s a good reason to take up the poem by Thomas Dekker in 1599.

O, the month of May, the merry month of May,
So frolic, so gay, and so green, so green, so green!
O, and then did I unto my true love say,
Sweet Peg, thou shalt be my Summer’s Queen.

April was good and gone. I hope to make May the same. This writing space has been a healing place for me. It’s good to return again and again to tap out self encouragement, self analysis and self care. Lately, I’ve been reading a bit of Ordinary Mysticism by Mirabai Starr every morning. It’s a wonderful book full of treasures. It took me awhile to discover that. A passage from the book:

“Twentieth-century Jewish philosopher Abraham Joshua Heschel said, ‘Our goal should be to live life in radical amazement….to get up in the morning and look at the world in a way that takes nothing for granted. Everything is incredible; never treat life casually. To be spiritual is to be amazed.”

I certainly learned that the hard way this past year with the passing of my mother, the sudden loss of my hearing and its recovery. My whole world and awareness shifted. I learned not to ask why alot and to accept of what is. Like Mirabai says, I don’t have to have all this shit figured out. “The invitation is to notice what comes and bless what goes. To take refuge in groundlessness and rest in boundlessness.”

I love her words. I love words and the music they can create. It is a restful practice to be here, tapping them out and keeping the ball rolling – even without a challenge.

A Celebration Post

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It’s April 30th, the last day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m happy to be here at a happy ending. I achieved all that I set out to do. I kept it simple. I kept it easy. I showed up almost every day, missing just 3. I tried my best. I had a beginning, a middle and now an ending. It was nice to meet some new friends as well as reconnecting with past ones. What more could a girl ask for?

I’ve had a busy day starting with the gym in the morning. I worked the hula hoop and skip rope into my routine. It’s good to challenge myself with new stuff. I’ll see if practice does make for better. Then it was going for groceries and then lunch with my exercise buddies. You know lunch with the girls can last for a couple of hours. I was home for a few minutes when I got a text from my brother. Dad had fallen in the livingroom while he was there. He couldn’t get up by himself but was not hurt. Still I worried.

I went over to see for myself. He was lucky that my brother was there when he fell and lucky he was not hurt. I asked him to show me how he was on the floor so I can teach him how to get up. Good thing I had such good instructors at the Y gym on functional fitness. Dad was a good pupil. He was able to learn how to get into a position so he could use a piece of furniture to get himself up. After all that we had to go to the mall for a walk and a coffee. We ran into Mom’s coffee friends there and the time just went.

I’m home now, sitting with a chrysanthemum tea and tapping a few last words. I’m tired. It’s been a hard year but it’s been a good April. I’m glad I participated in this UBC. It’s helped me regain some peace and mental strength being here every day tapping on my keyboard and reading others’ offerings. Sorting through ideas, words and feelings have dispelled some brain fog. It’s good to be able to think clearly again. I feel blessed to be here now.

Thank you Paul for giving us this special place.