Author Archives: hafong

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About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

ON FREEDOM

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I’m sitting here with my second cup of tea. I’m staring at my paper pile, readying, steeling myself to delve into them. My resolve not to let everything get into a clutter AGAIN had melted and I’m fallen into the same rabbit hole again. Having resolves, choosing a word for the year, making lists, self help books – all these tools have not work for me. So I ask myself: why keep using them? Clearly it’s an indication for change. And here’s that word again – CHANGE. How many times have I written about change? Have I changed? Clearly not! I’m in a pickle.

I shouldn’t beat myself up so. I HAVE made little bits of change here and there. I like to think that I’ve stopped working on relationships that doesn’t work. I’ve stopped blaming myself that it’s all my fault, that I’m not kind enough, generous enough, blah, blah, blah. Sometimes it is good to reread your journals, even though you’re not suppose to. They advise you not to look/read back, to burn them. I could’t quite do them all in and have read back. I’m ashamed to admit that I’ve whined and whined about the same things/people/situations for decades. I think that’s call being stuck.

I’m slowly learning – not to blame myself. I’m thinking of watching a bee stuck in a spider’s web the other day. It struggled and struggled and finally broke free and flew off. So it’s taking me a little longer to break free. It’s better later than never. Some people are stuck forever in the webs they wove around themselves. I’m grateful that I can test out my new wings even just a little bit. Freedom is not just another word for nothing left to lose.

Freedom is ridding my piles of paper clutter, dust and outdated and expired thoughts, feelings and what-have-yous. It will take some doing but if I have courage and tenacity, I can chip away at them one day at a time. After all, they were accumulated over years and decades. I was hoping against hope that I could hit the DELETE button and they would be gone. Nothing is ever that easy even though we can send men into space and we can FaceTime with someone on the other side of the globe.

I’ve been working on this post for awhile, over a week. I’m in a bit of a dither this morning. I’m sure we had frost overnight. Even though I was organized in taking all the tomatoes off the vine and covering all my tenders, I see that the cover had blown off my precious Sunburst squash. It has many little squashes still trying to grow up. Oh, well, I can’t save everything. And though it is still early morning, the phone lines to everywhere are experiencing higher than normal volume of calls. One has to dial 911 nowadays to get a real person. I must calm down and not to get my panties in a knot. So I had to leave a message with a message for them to leave a message if I can’t come to the phone when they call. And I will call back with a message to confirm.

I’m feeling super cranky. I will go outside and to the greenhouse to get a dose of natural serotonin. The sun is out and I mustn’t stay grumpy. The clock is ticking.

THE FIRST OF SEPTEMBER

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I saw September come in through a blanket of fog. Not a pleasant nor cheery sight first thing in the morning. However, looks can be deceiving. As soon as I step outside the ambience changed. The grey receded. The vibrant colours of the garden rushed out to greet me. The world seems to be holding its arms out to me. There’s spaciousness where there was none before.

I have learned over the years not to be disheartened and fooled by first impressions. They can be wrong. What started out as a gloomy day has turned out to be a beautiful sunny afternoon. The sky did get darker and darker after the fog. Then we had a splash of rain. That’s how it is this year with the weather and everything else – unpredictable. It is what is here and we have to show up no matter what. Despite it all, as corny as the cliche sounds, life does go on.

September 1. School has started. My street is busy as all get out with traffic. I live near 2 high schools and I just can’t believe how many teenagers have or have access to cars and driving themselves to and from school. I was dumb enough to get caught up going to the library just when school was out. What’s wrong with walking, biking or taking the bus? I never owned a car until I was in my late 20s. I guess you can argue that it is safer to drive in your own car than taking public transportation these days. But this has been the trend way before Covid-19.

Talking about Covid, our province isn’t doing so well. In the last 30 days, the number of active cases has increased by 400 per cent. And Saskatoon is the hot spot in the province. Not good news to start a new season or school year. And not too much news from the provincial government about what they plan to do. It’s what’s here on this September 1. I guess I could cry me a river but what good would that do? So let me count what I have to be grateful for instead.

  1. I didn’t have the want to sleep till spring fatigue today.
  2. I still have fresh veggies to give to my mother. Today I gave her a cabbage and carrots.
  3. My recent seeding of radishes, spinach, peas and daikon at the community garden have germinated and growing.
  4. I went to the library today and got some awesome reads.
  5. The sun is still shining.
  6. The greenhouse is still doing great.
  7. I wrote this post. Not Pulitzer Prize material but words, nonetheless.

AUGUST WAS…

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August 27 and day 27 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. The end is almost within reach. I do want to finish on a strong note. I’m fighting the clouds and the blahs again. The hibernation response got its hooks out, pulling me in. I’m fighting lethargy and sleepiness. The snacking response is not intense yet. I have that to be thankful for.

Wanting and doing are two different things. I’m learning that over and over. So it is August 29 and day 29 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am not at all ending on a strong note. I’ve not completed day 27 and was missing in action for day 28. Just to let everyone know though, I was not sitting idly on my ass. I’m finding it difficult to think my thoughts and form my words on these autumn days. It is hard to perform cerebral functions. So I did what I could – the physical chores of living.

Those are not so easy either. It seems both body and mind were in cahoots together. I had to push hard to work my mind to move my body. So at least I could show up here at the keyboard, flexing and bending my fingers, tapping out the letters, words and sentences. Somehow thoughts are coming out. I am such a whiner but every effort is painful. Do you ever feel that way? Sometimes I do think, what if I don’t show up? If I was a bear, I could just curl up in a log and sleep till spring.

I don’t do it. I’m not a bear and one just don’t do such things. We are taught to never give in or up. One must carry on as best able. And so I do. I couldn’t make myself go swimming yesterday morning. I went today. I’ve finished shelling the dried beans for those winterish dishes. Somehow I was able to talk myself into cleaning the shower and bathroom. The greenhouse and the garden are watered.

I am lacking will power. I could not finish this post last night. I was ever so sleepy that I threw myself into bed and dreamt of driving through Manitoba and looking for a toilet in Chan’s Cafe. How strange dreams are. Now it is August 30 and day 30 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It is getting close to bedtime again. We had a road trip to Elbow, Saskatchewan to put the boat away for winter. I will come back tomorrow and wrap up this up.

So it is August 31 and the last day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. August was hottest and driest of all Augusts known to me. August was hard! Here is its last day. A sigh of relief perhaps but partings are always such sweet sorrow. Even with its ups, downs and wind swept days, it is still the month of bountiful harvest despite some failures. I’m choosing to look at this month’s writing challenge in a positive light, harvesting my successess and learning from my failures. True I haven’t shown up every single day but I didn’t throw in the towel either. I’ve come back again and again whenever I could. I’m here now to wrap it all up.

I will have shown up 16 days out of 31 counting today. It’s not a great record but I have a beginning, a middle and an ending. I will probably participate in the next writing challenge in a few months. I am looking forward to it. It’s like going back to school, getting a new start. I have a few writing ideas brewing in my head. Perhaps I should write them down before they evaporate. Organization makes for possibles.

TRIPS, THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY

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August 26 and day 26 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It is another beautiful sunny morning. I wonder whether it is safe to say that the dog days of summer are over. This is the summer when you have to turn on the AC one day and the furnace the next. In a way I do miss the heat. I did acclimatized after awhile so when the temperature drops, I really felt it. It’s been a roller coaster summer.

Haven’t life always been a hilly ride? It’s a journey of the good, the bad and the ugly trips. I’ve had many of each. In the end, when I look back, it was the bad and ugly that were the most memorable. With time and distance, the bad and ugly were mellowed. I was left with a sense of nostalgia for the times past. All the experiences taught me something but it takes time for me to realize that.

My first trip was my birth. Of that I have no memory. I was told I was a home birth and a difficult one, requiring a midwife. There is no kept record for I was born in a village in China. I have a cousin who is 3 years older. Her birth was a snap. Her mother gave birth to her on the side of a road. She was walking to her mother’s village, felt contractions, squatted and had my cousin. That is the story anyways.

My childhood in China was a fairly happy and secure journey though my father left for Canada when I was 2. I was raised in a matriach family, most of the men being overseas in Gold Mountain (Canada). I had a terrible 2 in that my left arm had a nasty burn that would not heal. I don’t remember the accident at all but I remembered playing and chasing the chickens in our courtyard just before. And I remembered my mother taking me to the hospital after they’ve tried all the home remedies. We had to go by a hired bicycle and it was our luck that we got the same bad driver every time. He could not stay on the road very well.

My mother said I was very good. I did not fuss or cry. I have no memory of the accident ,the pain or the treatments. Isn’t nature wonderful. I remember the bicycle rides and going through the arches to the hospital. My arm healed with bad scarring up to and a little past my elbow. I have full arm mobility. It’s on the inside so not very noticeable. I was very conscious of it from childhood up to adulthood. I would wear long sleeves even on the hottest summer day. I got over it when I entered nursing. I couldn’t wear long sleeve uniforms. So I got over it. And now, well, I couldn’t give a shit.

This trip kind of took an expected turn. It wasn’t my intended journey. It is what it is.

STILL TAPPING ON

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It’s August 24 and day 24 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Life can be tedious and challenging at the same time. The thing is I have to show up no matter what. The challenge is to do my best even though. It’s good to have mantras to keep me going. It’s good to remember holocaust survivors such as Edith Eger and Viktor Frankl. They have alot to teach us about hardships and humanity. No matter what we are facing, no matter how hard and hopeless things look and are, we always have a choice of how we think, feel and behave.

AND there’s always something we can do. There’s acceptance but it doesn’t mean giving up. A day has passed and I had not finished writing this post yesterday. ‘Life happens’ is a much used excuse but life happened. I had to choose on what is more important. I have only x number of time and x number of energy. I can’t do everything. But I haven’t trashed what I had written yesterday. They were and are important words. It is now August 25 and day 25 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m still tapping out the words, my thoughts. The day is turning out better and sunnier than I had anticipated. Hooray for the sun!

I don’t have a product to sell or a business to promote. Sometimes I wonder why I bother, why I’m here. It’s mainly because I love the written word. This is the place I come to vent. I can talk without interruption, without someone trying to influence my thoughts/ideas, telling me I’m wrong in my feelings. This is my place of meditation, of finding peace and grounding. This is the place I can come and yell unabashed: “Eureka! I’ve seen the light.”

There’s so much that is not right in our world. Still there is so much that is right and good. I don’t have to say, ‘Is that all there is?’ or ‘There is nothing you can do.’ There can be much more than what’s here. There’s a lot that we can do. You have to have the desire to do/want much more.

TOMORROW IS ALWAYS TODAY

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I like to live up to my words – as much as I can. Yesterday I said that I would like to prove the saying of ‘tomorrow never comes’ wrong. It gives me incentive to show up no matter what. I can always do my best for that day. I was thinking ahead to how to create space for a winter crop in the greenhouse. There is a noticeable difference in the amount and kind of daylight this week.Time is running out. There’s no tomorrows left. It will be September in just a week. The weather has turned cold. I need to act today to get some greens going and get matured enough to survive in the greenhouse hopefully till December.

It is hard to decide where or how to start. Seeing that we no longer need shade in the greenhouse, I took down the Scarlet Runner Beans. I had trimmd them back already but now they are all down. Oh, what a relief! More room and light. I should have done it sooner. But better late than never. It’s a learning curve, this being our first year of growing in a greenhouse.

Next I pruned back the excessive branches and leaves of the Black Krim tomatoes, giving them space for air flow. Now I can see how many of them there are.They’ve been very productive all summer. As you can see, there’s still alot and there’s one right up next to the roof. They are very juicy and sweet. We’ve been eating them since early July.

I’ve cleared up 2 planters of flowers to seed some lettuce and kale. This summer proved to be too hot for nasturtiums and sweet peas in planters so it was not hard to pull them out. I hope that it will not be too cold to germinate the lettuce and kale. They love the cool but I’ve had to turn on the furnace just now. As a precaution I did throw a row cover over them. Tomorrow I will seed more lettuce and spinach in modules inside. Covering all my bases.

JUST TALKING

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August 21 and day 21 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m starting to sound like a broken record. It’s another busy day. I don’t think I can finish this post but I thought starting might give me some inspiration. I’ve been feeling extremely busy and tired. I gave myself a pass from my aerobics class on Wednesday and Friday but I swam this morning. I rarely miss my Saturday morning swim knowing that the water always make me feel better. Most Saturdays I have the pool to myself. I had to share with another today.

Guess what? It is August 22 and day 22 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It is raining in Saskatoon. I feel exquisitely tired, achy and grateful. It is not the best timing for rain for the farmers but I am sure we are all thankful for it. It’s not like we have a say in the when. And the yard and plants look beautiful in grey mist.

I like to stand inside the greenhouse (there is no place to sit) and just breathe in the sweet fragrance of the bitter melon. It’s especially restful on a rainy morning. My tiredness, aches and pains seem to ease in the warmth and breath of this living atmosphere.

I have 3 bitter melons on the grow, the third one just a baby. I hope it grows up. I disturbed the petals while trying to pollinate it. A couple of petals fell off.

Autumn is certainly in the air. Winter will be upon us before I am ready for it. The thermal rock wall is almost finished. It is used to moderate the temperature inside. It will absorb heat from the sun during the day and release it at night. I still have lots of growing things inside that’s taking up space – the tomatoes, peppers, eggplants not to mention the cucumbers which are still very productive. I have to think about finding space for and how to start a winter crop. Maybe tomorrow. And you know what they say about tomorrow. Maybe I can prove them wrong.

MEMORY LANE AND OTHER TRIPS

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August 18 and 18th day the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am aiming to improve a little each day by showing up every day and a little earlier. This summer when it isn’t hot, it is cold. I woke up to 10℃ whereas only a couple of days ago, it was 21℃. I have no control over it. I best adapt as all living species have to. It is a good day to cuddle up to the keyboard. Yesterday I travelled down memory lane and Winnipeg in 1967. I will travel again today down the same highway but maybe to a different year and destination.

As with all trips, it will take time to gather my thoughts, memories and photos. I will have to search through my mental bags, find and sort out my stories. My day has taken me to other directions. Those trips will have to be saved for another day. Instead I will talk about the trip I took today. It is out to Sheba’s old haunt in Furdale, the dog park out by the river. She and I had many happy days there in our younger years. It brought back so many memories and feelings. If it had not been for her, I would not have discovered it or wanted to venture there.

It is August 19 and day 19 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Yesterday got completely away from me. I’m still trying to finish this post. So yesterday the guy and I went out to Furdale. It felt strange to go without a dog. This time we went with ice cream pails. We were hunting for chokecherries to make wine. It did not take long to find them. They were plentiful and we went back today for more. I think we got enough chokecherries to make a batch of wine, some syrup and some to give to our friend who introduced the idea to us.

I hope to show up again tomorrow. I will try my best. There’s a lot of chokecherries to clean and freeze. I’m tackling a bit at a time. I have 2 cookie sheets of chokecherries frozen but there’s alot more to be done.

WHEN I WAS SEVENTEEN

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August 17 and 17th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Time is marching on so I must not tarry. Time waits for no one. I thought I would change my routine and come to my keyboard earlier. Someone asked posed the question “WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU DID SOMETHING FOR THE FIRST TIME?” in her post yesterday. It did get me thinking about how I’ve lived my life. Have I lived it? Was/am I adventuresome or was/am I a stick in the mud?

When I was 17 I certainly did not feel confident or adventuresome. Indeed, I felt very lacking in those areas. Back in Grade 7 and 8, boys asked me to dance at school dances. Grade 9 seemed to be the cutoff date. I became a wallflower so I stopped going to dances. I envied everyone else for their normalcy. I became aware of my differences, my Chinese-ness. Our life was the cafe, school and home. We had none of the travel out of town, to the lake, get-togethers with other people in town except with our cousins.

Thinking back now all these years later, it is a wonder to me that I was sassy enough to invite myself to a penpal, Gail’s home in Winnipeg. We had met on the plane to Japan when both our mothers and us immigrated to Canada. Our mothers had exchanged addresses and kept in touch. In my teenager’s loneliness I started writing to Gail. In 1967 the Pan American Games were being held in Winnipeg. That was my reason to ask for an invite for a visit. I’m not sure if I had any intentions of seeing any of it.

My friend’s grandfather Harry had a restaurant on Main and Portage called Chan’s Cafe. I had the audacity of asking for a summer job which I got. More surprising than anything, my mother agreed to let me go. So I headed out on the Greyhound Bus to Winnipeg. I never did see any of the Pan Am Games. Mostly I waitressed the afternoon to evening shift the whole summer till it was time to come home for school. Gail had the day shift. I never saw much of Winnipeg except the airport. My friend’s father had one of the cooks drive me home after our shifts. Gail’s mother felt responsible for me and didn’t trust me coming home alone on the bus. The cook taught me to drink coffee, smoke and showed me the airport.

I was a very young and innocent 17. I couldn’t get into trouble if I had wanted to. I can’t remember if I worked 6 or 7 days/week. When you are working an afternoon/evening shift, there isn’t too much time to get into trouble. But I had a clandesdine date or two if you can call matinees that. That’s when I saw Clint Eastwood in The Good, Bad and Ugly. The other matinee was with Kirk Douglas. I can’t recall the name but Kirk was butt naked in it.

EVERY OTHER DAY

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August 16 and 16th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It seems I can only show up every other day. Even that is difficult though I have so much good intentions. Now I’m showing up every 3rd day. The heat of this summer is very tiring. I try to do my best to show up where and when it is most important. I was sorely tempted not to show up for my exercise class today. But keeping fit is important for staying active. The class was in the morning and a good way to start the day. It would limber me up for work in the garden after. I bit the bullet, pack my bag and got in my car and went.

Hard things are not quite so hard when you have developed good habits/routines. I have been going to the YWCA for my aerobic class and swimming regularly for years. I know from experience that even though I start off feeling tired and not excited, I end up feeling great after. I have established set grooves which I can slip back into after falling off the wagon. I was glad I made the effort. It was a good class and an opportunity for a bit of socializing, an important thing in these times. It got me out of the house and onward to my day.

I have to admit I have periods of despondency with Covid and climate change. It doesn’t make me feel better knowing that we are all in this together. However, since this is what’s here and there’s nowhere to run, I am facing and accepting. There’s no alternative except to do the things I love and are passionate about. I am a minimalist by nature. I like to ‘make do’ and live frugally. Perhaps it’s from our life in Canada as an immigrant. We didn’t have alot of money. My father had to borrow money to bring my mother, sister and I over from Hong Kong. The money was like an insurance that we would not be a burden on the government.

We/I have always been self sufficient. My mother always had and still have a garden. I got the bug and other things from her. I love experimenting and trying new plants and ways of growing. They are endless. I get tired but I never get bored. I am often excited and awed by the wonder of growing things. It is so rewarding to see some of our harvest.