About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

UNRAVEL MY YEAR

Posted on January 1, 2022 by hafong

Happy New Year! January 1, 2022 and day 1 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. We are having bitterly cold temperatures. It’s conducive to be here in my sunroom, sipping a hot one and tapping on the keyboard. My goal is to show up every day with a post for the month of January. Each year I download Susannah Conway’s workbook, Unravel Your Year, but I’ve seldom finish it. I thought it might be a good project for the January Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ll be killing two birds with one stone.

It has always been rather easy for me to relapse, to fall back into what was. If I am not careful and if I am not in the moment, I could dwell there for a long time. I have more focus now. I’ve relapsed only momentarily, maybe it was a day or two. I’ve climbed out, not savouring living the old, used and not useful. I saw the draw and the harm of it all. I decided that it was not for me any more. I don’t have to stay in the what was. I can make a new beginning. I can start, have a middle and an end.

I’m setting up for my beginning, the first day of the rest of my life. Did I say it’s cold? It is – minus 35℃. It’s good to cuddle up in a warm sweater and with a cup of Ovaltine. It is a good to just sit with it all and watch it like a movie as it plays across the screen of my mind. It’s coming out blank though, with white noise. I cannot remember anything. I will have to access my recorded photographs and watch them as a slide show. Perhaps I can put on Jim Croce’s Photographs and Memories as background music. I will wait for my mind’s eye to warm up.

Last year I did not have to word to guide me. No wonder I have no immediate recollections. I chose FOCUS to help me with 2022. With focus life will be easier. It will help me to find the heart to carry on and finish what I start. Looking back through my photographs and what memories I have of the year past, I spent the winter learning how to cross country ski. We were out almost every day. I slipped, stumbled and fell – uphill, downhill and on flat terrain. I learned that for some things, I don’t give up easily. It was like that for swimming and riding a bicycle. I guess I yearn for physical agility and ability.

The spring, summer and fall were spent in the greenhouse, gardens and yard. I was out of doors alot. I had my physical checkup in May. My doctor phoned and told me my serum vitamin D was almost at the top recommended level. At one time, it was almost at 0. He recommended that I cut back my supplement, at least for the summer. In 2021, I discovered that I really loved the great outdoors and that dust and pollen did not bother me as much. I also discovered that I hang on to things and maladies far too long, way beyond the best past due date. I am happy to let some of it go.

I do not regret hanging onto my love and memories of Sheba. I miss her soft animal body, how she circles and lays down with a grunt near me. I miss the sound of her kibbles falling in her bowl in the morning when the guy feeds her. I miss finding her laid across the bathroom door whenever I come out. Some things you never get over – love. And I don’t want to. I want to hang on to love and affection. They warm the cockles of my heart.

STILL HOPEFUL AFTER ALL THESE YEARS

Posted on December 17, 2021 by hafong

I’ve always been a hopeful person, even when I’m not, even when I’m in the throes of planning my own demise. I’ve often felt like I’m a hoax when I am filling out the forms for counselling. Things don’t add up at the end. That’s what I tell the therapist(s). I tell them the results of those forms – that I am not without hope. What was I doing there? They would laugh and tell me that it is a good thing.

I am still that hopeful person. I look forward to waking up every morning when I can start my day. There’s always something to learn, some new venture beckoning me. I am not the kind of adventurer that you’re probably thinking of. I’m not busting out, wanting to travel to the far corners of the world or outer space. I don’t want to bungee jump off a high rise in Las Vegas. I’m not a high roller at the casino either though I have played the slot machines. My kind of excitement might raise a few bored eyebrows. It’s learning about nematodes, soil health and Dr. Elaine Ingham. Then I stumbled upon Korean natural farming and Chris Trump. Are you yawning yet? These are the kind of things that excite me and give me hope for a greener planet.

I am hopeful but I do have dark days and moods but I am learning how to navigate them more constructively and creatively. I have so many teachers from family, friends, co-workers – all the people that I’ve come in contact with. You have, too. We become the sum of what they’ve impacted upon with, whether they know it or not. So it is important that we choose the right environment. We, like all growing things, need fertile soil to thrive in. I have found a wealth of knowledge and wisdom through books, television and online. I first learn of Caroline Myss on Oprah many years ago. She’s still my first go to source of inspiration and spiritual direction. I believe her when she says that this is the most exciting time in history. It is, don’t you agree?

What gives me hope this morning is watching this episode on Kirsten Dirksen’s YouTube channel. It’s about a simple home built by an architect who had spent his first years in a Japanese internment camp in Idaho. He talked about how that had influence him on his love for simplicity and what is important. Kirsten features many stories like this in different parts of the world. Through them I can see how much talent and abilities we all have. We are not all in this life just to make money and getting more stuff. There are many who care about the planet, sustainability, resilience and the quality of life. Therefore, I am always hopeful when I watch these kinds of programs. They help me change in some small way to contribute to the cause.

TOWARDS WINTER SOLSTICE

Posted on December 15, 2021 by hafong

December 15th. Winter solstice is just a week away. I had good intentions of being here regularly but I’ve only shown up twice. Bad on me! Intentions don’t mean beans when they’re not kept. But I am here now. My moods still can turn on a dime. The difference now is I know the exact instant they do. I pull out my tools and do an inquiry. I’ve read enough of Byron Katie’s The Work. I know to ask the 4 questions:

Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it is true?
How do you react, what happens when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without that thought?

Then there’s Tara Brach’s RAIN. It stands for:

Recognize what is happening.
Allow the experience to be there, just as it is.
Investigate with interest and care.
Nurture with self-compassion.

Recognition of the moment gives me an opportunity to pause and to take note. I don’t have to react and behave in old patterns. I can choose how it is that I want to behave, therefore changing the way I feel. I tell myself that because this is new, I might not feel comfortable or good immediately or even soon. It will take time to gel. I tell myself it is a new adventure, a new skill like learning how to cross country ski, ride a bike, to swim, to make sourdough….

Going toward the shortest day of the year is a grand adventure this year. I’m thinking of the darkness as a warm nest wherein we can rest and sleep. Then we can emerge on the other side, rejuvenated and ready to face the lengthening days as we progress towards spring and all that it promises.

THE MIDDLE WAY

Posted on December 10, 2021 by hafong

Another December morning. It is as dark as can be at 7:42. We are heading head long towards the darkest day of the year. 11 more days and we will come out on the other side. It is my best fall and December wherein I am not blaming the season for my moody blues. I have talked about how my feelings can turn on a dime. It is still true but now I can turn it around just as quickly. I have a self control button as well as auto pilot. I should have check my operation manual sooner. It is nice to know I have a choice of how I want to feel and be.

Mornings are my best time for everything. I always look forward to waking up and starting the day. It’s when I am fresh with a clean slate. No hangovers of toxic emotions and attitudes to weigh me down. I guess that’s why they advocate not watching the news or argue before bedtime. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve gone to bed upset. I am doing something right. Too bad one can’t keep the lid on 24/7. But life and humans are not perfect. I don’t think we can learn and advance if there are no bleeps along the way. I am grateful for each and everyone of them for what they have taught me.

I don’t like to admit it. I do tend to look at things in black and white, right and wrong, yes and no. I didn’t realized it until yesterday. How dumb can I be? I was stuck in a certain mindset. It was only by accident that I skidded out of the track. It was that light bulb moment that I could see there was a middle way. There’s much truth in age old sayings like: There’s more than one way of skinning a cat. All roads lead to Rome. More than one way to cook an egg. I was really surprised by my awakening. I didn’t know I had a hard set mind. I was not as opened minded as I had thought. Life would have been much easier had I known sooner. It is what it is. I wasn’t ready. I am happy to learn that there is grey, somethings are neither right or wrong and that there is a maybe of different strengths.

PROBLEM SOLVING – still a gerbil on a wheel

Posted on December 9, 2021 by hafong

It’s hard to pull up my socks once they’ve fallen down. The struggle is real. Things are piling up on my desk, the dining room table and in my head again. I hope I have caught myself in time before I fall completely down the rabbit hole. I’ve stopped the conversation on the keyboard for just a week. It is hard starting again. I’ll just sit awhile and drink my tea and try to feel out where the difficulty lies. There’s no rush. It’s not going away. It’s waiting for me.

What I’ve learned from this is not to let things come to a grinding halt. It felt good the first day so I did it again the next and the next and so on. And here I am, trying to work myself back into a schedule, a routine of some sort wherein I can feel good and alive – that I am interacting with and a part of the world. I am not happy with persistent languor, hanging out amidst and buried under my unfiled, undelt with and unfinished piles.

When I think of clearing and dealing with it all, I feel overwhelmed and hopeless. I move a few things around and about. I have not made space or homes for anything and everything. It’s not a surprise that I got nowhere and gave up, moving on to familiar, more comfortable activities like watching Inspector Wexford on YouTube. It’s not a bad thing. It’s a British crime series, a Ruth Rendall mystery. The episodes have a story and plot. They are quite unlike a lot of modern American crime shows where the catch is violence, sex and fast car chases. Still, it is a crutch I fall on when it is hard for me to do what I need to be doing.

Talking about movies and distractions, I’ve come to realize that I am addicted to crime genres in movies, TV shows and books as well. I haven’t been always so. I used to like a good story and romance. Now I find them a bit tedious and slow going. My attention span have been shortened by action dramas and crime fiction. I’m trying to work my way back to being not so lazy. I used to read books like Marjorie Morningstar and East of Eden. Now I read Sue Grafton’s alphabet mystery series and such. But I am working on J.R. Rowling’s Casual Vacancy. It’s slow going but she is a very good writer with lots of detailed descriptions. It’s a good exercise for slowing my brain and hopefully help increase my attention span.

I am having a wee bit of success. I’m concentrating on finishing this post. I am taking more time in proof reading and editing. Hopefully I am making more sense. I’ve identified a few of my clutter problems. I need to find homes for my things so that they are not strewn here and there. I need to deal with my mail (electronic and snail) daily. They build up quicker than I can think. Yesterday I deleted hundreds of emails, some from July. I’ve been in this spot more than a few times. I’m still the gerbil on the wheel. The best solution for me is to think things through slowly, identify, have an action plan and follow through.

THE END

Posted on November 30, 2021 by hafong

Day 30 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. The end is here and I am happy to write the finishing post to this enjoyable and productive challenge in November. I was able to retain my purpose of a personal breathing space and yet let in new people and ideas. I was somewhat successful in changing my voice and maybe a story or two. I can’t turn over a new page over night. A little change is better than no change.

I enjoyed the camaraderie, the sharing of stories, coffees, tips, photos, cheering each other on. There’s a diverse amount of knowledge among us. I’ve learned a thing or two. As I had mentioned yesterday I’m more motivated towards decluttering. I’m remembering to restart even if I’ve had stopped. And Florence’s writes on dyslexia helps my wandering mind and concentration. I have to bring it back again and again. Then there’s Tamara’s enthusiasm. She brings light and joy from Switzerland. It rubs off on me. There’s multitudes of gifts from all of you. It would take too long to name everyone. Maybe there was a hassle or two. Those were easily side stepped and forgotten. After all, I choose to show up or not.

Yes, I would do the challenge again in January. But I wonder if our digital maestro have forgotten that he changed it to February last year. Happy birthday, Paul Taubman. Don’t eat too much cake. Thanks for the month.

THE NEXT 90 DAYS

Posted on November 29, 2021 by hafong

Day 29 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Tomorrow is the last day. I’ve had a full day baking bread and doing laundry. Baking bread always seems like a simple thing when I start out in the morning. You add, mix, let it sit, knead, yada yada. The steps and stages add up before you can get the loaves in the oven. By the time I’m finished everything, I felt like I’ve washed everything twice over. The loaves are chilling on the rack. I have yet to bag them and take them down to the freezer. I am feeling a little fatigued. Do I have it in me to talk about what where I’m heading after this challenge?

Since I don’t have a business to promote, I will take a rest from my daily tapping. I’ve had a good run this November. I’ve missed 2 or 3 days. It’s good to be flexible and not to be obsessive. When the going gets tough, it is ok to step off. There is no point in forcing. This is not a race. I am learning a bunch of stuff this month and that is one of them. We have a wealth of knowledge among the group. Mary Elizabeth O’Tool’s posts on minimalism gave me a push to get started. Florence Callender’s posts on dyslexia are a great help and encouragement. I’m working better at slowing down and concentrating. So I will probably be back on my keyboard in January.

December is a good month to slow the pace and hunker down. I am looking forward to joining in Susannah Conways’s December Reflection on Instagram. It’s right up my alley, posting a photo/day to a word prompt. It’s how a see things – words and pictures. It’s a wonderful way of easing into the holidays. It’s probably not a popular thing to say but I don’t do Christmas. It doesn’t work for me anymore. Not that it did before but now I’ve dropped the facade. I don’t miss the rushing around looking for perfect gifts Christmas Eve. And I am not so sure about the meaning and spirit of Christmas. Shouldn’t it be like that all year long – the kindness, generosity, celebrations, family time, friendships, goodwill to all men..?

In January I’m taking an in person watercolour art class. That will give me something to write about. I hope I won’t get too frustrated listening to directions and taking steps on how to’s. Mostly I’ve been winging it. Sometimes I don’t even use a palette. I took a quilt class a long time ago. The instructor was very fussy. You had to cut, sew and iron precisely. I found it quite stressful and had to do some yoga before I went. But I did end up with a beautiful sampler quilt. I’m hoping I’ll paint some beautiful watercolours. I think the class goes into February. By then the days will be getting longer. The greenhouse will be warming up. I’ll be starting seedlings and maybe planting. I won’t be lacking for things to do. I’m also hoping for lots of snow so we can cross country ski all winter long into March.

ADVICE TO MY 16 YEAR OLD SELF

Posted on November 28, 2021 by hafong

Day 28 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. The end is near and what is it that I’ve learned from this challenge?

that I still love words and pictures and the things they tell me
that I still tell some stories over and over and that I need to tell myself new ones
that I am fulfilling my goal of having this writing space – tracing and understanding the archeology of my time on earth.

I don’t know why that it is that I hold on to the negative narratives more than the positives. Why it is that I admire others so much and think so little of myself? Does not having a physical father present in my early years make a difference? And how about being a minority from age 6 to adulthood? I have had a double sense of being invisible and very visible at the same time. I have had the sense of being very small and standing out like a huge sore thumb. I’m using the past tense – have had – because I don’t feel like that anymore. But I am sure that child/young adult still resides in me.

It’s really too late to change my history, my paths through time. But it is not too late to accept and take comfort in that I did the best I could. I can accept that maybe it is the rites of passage. I don’t have to cast blame in any direction, inward or outward. If I could go back in time, I would tell my 16 year old self that being imperfect is part of the human journey. We can’t grow from a perfect end place. Don’t worry too much about making a wrong decision. Life is not black and white. It’s not about right and wrong. Some things/decisions are better than others. Wisdom is learning to make detours and corrections as we go along. Most of all, I would tell my 16 year old self to love herself unconditionally, to think more of herself and less of others. Let go of things that doesn’t serve her. Time and energy are finite.

TRIPS AND MEMORY LANE

Posted on November 27, 2021 by hafong

Day 27 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ve missed a day or two but I’ll just start where I am. Our digital maestro suggested that we write about where we would like to travel. To tell you the truth, right now I have no desire to go anywhere. I’m a bit of a stick-in the-mud. It all stems from how I grew up – an immigrant child in a small town. We were just struggling to earn a living. We had a roof over our head. We never went hungry. We never did anything or went anywhere unless it was to the dentist or optometrist. Then we had to travel to the next big city which is North Battleford. It was where my paternal grandfather and his brother had a laundry business.

Thinking back now, it’s not true that I never went anywhere. And I’m far from a stick-in-the-mud. I’ve had an extraordinary life as I’m sure we all have. I’ve been globe trotting since I was six years old. From my little village to Canton and onward to Hong Kong. I lived there for 2 years, had grade 2 in Chinese. I lost all the Chinese characters living Maidstone, Saskatchewan, Canada for 11-12 years. After I finished high school, my father sold his half of the cafe to his cousin. Our family, except me, moved to New York to be with my mother’s side of the family.

I returned to Saskatoon after a summer in New York to attend university. My uncles could not convince to stay. In hind sight, I wished they had tried harder. Isn’t that how it always is, wishing for what isn’t? But that is water under the bridge. In the end we all ended back here in Canada. We’ve gone back to visit a few times. I liked New York better each time. I wished, too, that we could have taken mom back more often to see her siblings. But it is what it is. We did the best we could.

So this is just a bit of my journeys. I’m kind of stuck on China, Canada and New York. These are my important life travels. Maybe I will touch on my vacation trips in future posts. I’ve made my momentous first trip to A&W for breakfast this morning since Covid. Go ahead, you can laugh out loud. It is my favourite place for breakfast and easy conversation Saturday mornings after my swim at the YWCA. I didn’t swim this morning. I had given up my Y membership. I used the membership fee for new skis instead. I didn’t ski today either but made 3 loops around the park yesterday. I was thinking ahead and working off this morning’s calories. But I did dress up and made up for the occasion. Look – curls and earrings!

ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE

Posted on November 25, 2021 by hafong

Day 24 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m always happy to share another cup of coffee with the community. There’s something so warm and soothing sharing coffee and conversation with someone who’s truly with you in the moment. It’s like being wrapped in a fuzzy blanket. I’ve been a nurse for over 30 years before retiring. I’ve had more than a few cups of coffee, too many for my health. My mug was never empty. It was good while it was good. Now the coffee I do drink is decaf and I always love a cuppa. If you were here with me, what could we talk about today?

I could probably wear your ear off with my chatter. I can get excited about the most mundane things, those very, very ordinary moments of daily life. I am captivated by thoughts and dust mote in sunlight. And if we were sitting at my dining room table, I would tell you about tablecloth that was years in the making. It started out as block building out of my extensive stash of material collecting. I had no destination, no end product in mind. Everything just evolved. I found the material was excellent to paint and embroider on. The blocks were perfect for story telling. Some are sewn together for a rich tapestry. Others are stand alones, each with their own story.

Life is like that, one block building onto another. And then you have history and stories to tell. Coffee and conversation are wonderful, isn’t that so?

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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