Author Archives: hafong

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About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

MIND RITUALS

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It’s snowing again. An expected 2-4cm today. Winter is never far away. It’s a challenge to start the day with a blank canvass and no overwhelm. I have to grab another cup of tea to warm and fortify me. I’m staying with it all, no distractions, no running away. I never believed that there’s an escape route anyways. We take our loads with us, wherever we go. It’s a good day to stay home by the hearth, huddle and sort a few things out.

I have my cup of tea. I wonder what it is about tea that’s so comforting. Is it the warmth and wetness of it, the sweetness of the honey, the cream or is it the act of getting up and tending to myself? It is probably any one and every one of them. I’m cupping the warmth in my hands, savouring the sweet wetness of the Orange Pekoe. I’m thinking to myself, when drinking tea, think only tea. Let the rest of the world fade away. Rest my mind, rest my heart.

I think that’s the ticket to clearing my poor tired clutter mind. When I am doing one thing, think only of that thing. Whenever it wanders, bring it back to it again and again. It’s call mindfulness, what I practice when I meditate. Now I have to practice it in action and not just in thoughts. How slow I am in learning practical applications. Still it is better to be late to the game than never getting to it.

I’ve cleared my mind for the day. Day 19 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

ANTIDOTES FOR EVERYTHING

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Photo by Anna Shvets on Pexels.com

It’s a brand new morning, a brand new day. Rain is in the forecast. I hope the rain will fall. I can’t remember when we’ve had a full day of rain like in the good old days. Where have all the rain gone, long time gone? I’m feeling nostalgic and melancholic for the seemingly good and steadifastness of the past. I wonder if I am deluded. I wonder if it’s my advancing age. Nothing seems safe, steady or predictable any more. I’m feeling a bit weird, unhinged and anxious about our present world. Life has a strange overcast. I feel the disconnect, that sound of one hand clapping.

Instead of just talking about it and drowning myself in a sea of useless words and thoughts, I could sit down and do some real work. I’m going to find some antidotes for those thoughts and feelings. I think our mothers and grandmothers were smarter than us. They believe in the house beautiful and cleanliness is next to holiness. At least my mother did and I’m sure she learned it from her mother. I believe that, too, but somehow I hadn’t acquired their ability and skill. I’m up for the challenge of learning though. It would give me a sense of purpose. It would engage my mind and brain so that they will have less time to wander willy nilly.

There’s no time like the present time to start. I see the way forward each day is to clear my mind, empty it of overwhelm, be a blank canvass. It’s difficult to make a start when it is jam full of stuff. I will have to do it any way that I can – meditating, solving a wordle puzzle, do my daily drawing…and work from there. This morning I’m working on putting things away after I’ve used them. Having done my drawing, I’ve put my pencils and erasers back in their case instead of leaving them lying around on the table. If I do this habit enough times, it will become automatic in time.

REASONS, PLANS AND DESTINATIONS

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April 17th. The month is more than half over. I have yet to think of tackling my tax return. I’m a procrastinator but I will tend to it when I hit the deadline. It is the best motivator so I shall not waste time feeling bad/guilty/whatever about how I am. Life feels so busy and I have no plans at all, let alone best laid ones. I think it could be one reason why I feels so lost and in a puddle. I really should get my shit together, pull up my socks, get organized and make a plan. Who am I kidding though? How long have I talked about this? And has it happened yet?

I could get depressed about this. I think I am a little. I am thinking, instead of feeling down in my boots, I should make a list of things to tend to in these funky blue moods. I could just choose one little item, do it and cross it off. I’m sure it would give my morale/mood a boost. I don’t have a list yet, but I do push myself to do something – even when I feel least like it. For instance, I did finish transplanting my leggy snapdragons this morning. This afternoon, I put in 20 minutes transplanting the purple petunias. Little bits here and there add up. Even if I wasn’t feeling better, I felt no worse.

I went for a walk after lunch. It’s been a long while since my daily walks with Sheba. It’ll be 3 years middle of May. Funny how hard it is to walk without a dog. Sometimes I feel a little lost without Sheba. I need a reason and a destination. Exercise is a very good reason. I walked to the Dollar Store for oven mitts and pot holders. Then it was to the quilt shop to buy some bobbins for my Bernina sewing machine. I’m sure Sheba was tagging along. I could feel her at my heels.

OUR/MY STORY

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April 15th. The month is half gone. It felt like it’s just started. I’m showing up in this writing space for the Ultimate Blog Challenge even though I’m feeling melancholic. I hope it is not catchy. I don’t want to pass it on. I can blame it on the time of day. It’s 6:31pm. They say that after 3 pm our energy and mood goes south. It’s true for me. I’m a morning person now after years of being a night owl. The sun has set for me though the weather app says sunset is at 8 pm. Try to tell that to my body and mind.

I’m not ecstatic that I’m such a somber person. I would really like to have a different temperament. I envy those bouncy, bubbly life-of-the-party gals. But I just can’t make myself into one, or make myself like parties. I guess the next best thing is to accept myself as is and learn to like it/me. I’ve been drawing my life in the 100 day project challenge. I’m getting to know the lines and curves of mine and my family’s faces. I feel the stories of our lives through the drawings. Sometimes it makes me happy. Sometimes it makes me sad. It depends on the story.

The drawings evoke the loneliness of an immigrant family living in a small community. I’m speaking only from my own viewpoint. I’m feeling it more as a very matured adult. I don’t think I felt it when I was growing up and going to school. I remember vividly my first inkling. It was after the summer of Grade 12. Our family had moved to New York to be with my mother’s family. I decided to come back by myself to attend university in Saskatoon. My father was still in our town to sell our house. I went to some town celebrations at the fair grounds with a friend. It was there that I felt my first experience of not belonging, of not being noticed. That feeling comes and goes. I like to think that I was wrong but I’m not. Many years later, in the fair recent present, I have been back to my home town a few times. The people that I knew, except for a few classmates, do not know me or who my father was.

Every once in awhile a memory would arise and evoke a feeling. It is not lethal. It is good to remember my place and who I was/am in this world. I remember and I feel strong and happy to be the person I’ve been and the person I’ve become. It’s been and is a very good life.

I STILL GOT IT

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Yesterday I turned on my Bernina sewing maching with trepidation. It’s been a long while since the last time. Would I still remember how to use it? It’s not a simple sewing machine. It has almost all the bells and whistles and a memory. Would my memory be up for the task? Lately, I’ve been troubled trying to come up with names for faces that pop up in my mind. I know those faces, but what are the names? I get into a breathless panic when I can’t come up with the answers. I wonder if this is the beginning of that big A.

My Bernina 790 is complicated. I get a headache just looking at it. It was a great relief just to find the power button and exhilarating to remember how to use the self threader. That was the hardest part when I first got it in December 2017. It was a Christmas present to myself. I had to watch the instructions on YouTube over and over. Now that the re-acquainted, getting to know each other is over, I have to make a habit of using it regularly. For some things that saying, If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it applies. Lucky for me, I didn’t need to dig out the manual as I only needed the basics to do some mending. The next step is for me to clean and lubricate it. I still have my log cabin quilt to finish. I have no time for moods and restlessness. I need to buckle down, pull up my socks and put my mind to it.

I still got it. I’m still in the game. I’m up for what challenges that comes up. I don’t have to do/win big. I’m happy with small. So another short post/chat for the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

APRIL LOVES – patience and Fortitude

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It’s still April and I’m still in the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ve missed a few days but have shown up most of the time as best as I could. It has been a hard month and spring, not knowing whether it’s winter or spring from day to day. But there’s always those moments and days when you least expect it, you feel that life is still so beautiful and so worth to put in your full effort. That’s where I’m at right now. Much of my loves have lost their zest, their appeal. They’re not working as well. The words, the photos and the art aren’t quite the same. But I still tap, click and push the pens, pencils and paint around on the page. Though these things have lost their glow, they still soothe and smooth me. I’m always surprised at the end of each process that they still please if not thrill me.

The morning is not a warm one. The sky is cloudy, steely grey. I feel the chill looking at it. But at last the sun is pushing through. The birds are still chirping. It is 1℃ and 11.8℃ in the greenhouse. I’ve already made my morning walk to the greenhouse with some more seedlings. They’re getting leggy in the house. Our little 10×10 greenhouse is getting rather full. Hoping for steady warm weather ahead to heat up the raised beds to take up some of the burden. Gardening will certainly be a challenge given the temperamental weather, me and life. Hoping for patience and fortitude – being steady like the mountains in rain or shine.

I am rather pleased at how my morning has gone. I got my draw/paint and photo challenge done for today. I’m putting the finishing touches on this post. Not spectacular accomplishments but they’re my best for today.

RESTLESS, SHIFTING

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I suppose everyone has heard Patsy Cline singing, Have you ever been lonely, have you ever been blue. What I’ve been feeling lately is restlessness and things shifting. I don’t like it. Nothing is the same and I’m out of sync. It’s nothing new. I’ve been here before. What is new is that I’m trying to stay the course and not freak out, looking for an out. I don’t think there are any escape hatches. I might as well buckle down and see how I can benefit from these periods from hell.

I think the universe is always listening and offers answers. It threw me a podcast on the very subject. I was paying attention this time and heard. I offer you this transcript on The Gift of Restlessness by Casey Tygrett, a spiritual director. I have to read it again for myself to digest it. Restlessness surely is uncomfortable. It is hard for me to define though it is an often enough visitor. Do you get these feelings? And if yes, how do you deal with it? I like to get rid of it as soon as possible. Sometimes I try to distract myself by calling someone but often no one is home. That tells me that it is a problem for me to solve and not run away from. But a fast escape is my natural instinct.

Now I do try to sit with it all, feeling all the unpleasantness, fear. I’m letting them all rip through me. Nothing happens. They’re not lethal. I’m still here, tap, tapping, watching the words and sentences march across the screen. There’s a relief that comes from saying/writing it out loud. I’m out of the closet. I’m a mess inside out. I’m cleaning and tidying inside and outside. It might take me a long while. There’s pleasure in finding out. There’s pleasure in fixing/mending one small thing at a time. That’s what I need to do the next time these feelings come a-knocking. Mothers and grandmothers always knew the value of good housecleaning inside out.

MY DAILY STUFF/CUPS OF TEA

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Sometimes I feel that I’m up to my eyeballs with stuff, that I am biting off more than what I can chew with my daily challenges of #the100dayproject, April Love -posting a photo/day in April, and writing a blog post daily for April’s Ultimate Blog Challenge. But when I get down to it, it is not really so much. There are many things that we have to do daily to have a healthy and good life. We have to sleep every day, get up in the morning, wash our face, brush our teeth, eat, go to the bathroom, bathe, move, go to work and exercise. Those are the basics. How much and how well we participate in those activities depend on how well we want our lives to be.

I’ve been having different light bulb moments lately in my present life stage. I’m more acutely aware of defining moments. It’s a good thing because my moments are decreasing each day. I want more value from them. I do not want to waste time on things that don’t matter or things I can’t change. My daily challenges/projects help to sharpen my awareness. Sometimes they make me sad before I get glad. I am learning to change and make detours. I am learning to be still, listen and wait before reacting because things have a way of correcting by themselves without interence from me.

I’m rather glad/fortunate to have all these challenges. They give me purpose and rhythm to my day. I have a list of things to do when I wake up in the morning. It’s like having a cup of tea, meditating, doing Wordle, looking at my world to find a photo, finding something to draw, finding words to write a post… They’re the kind of things that won’t give you a rush like jumping out of an airplane, but they excite me.

BELIEFS and DISBELIEFS

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So it’s Easter Sunday. The sun is shining brightly. The snow is slowly melting away. The nights are a bit warmer. I no longer have to board up and cover in the greenhouse. It saves some time and energy. I’m feeling a little crunched these days, not being able to show up here daily and reading others’ post in this month of the Ultimate Blog Challenge as planned. As they say, the best laid plans often go awry. I do the best I can. With my limitations, I choose carefully to do the musts and what I truly love.

Those quiet, magical early morning moments are gone from me now. I hope they will return. Things and life change. I have to roll along with tide. What hasn’t changed is that life is always full of challenges, no matter what life stage. It is not true that I’m not getting older. It’s true that I’m getting better at navigating what life throws at me. It is resilience from experience. The valuable thing I’ve learned is that it is not good to feel another’s pain. It weakens and renders me useless. It does no one good. Each of us has our own cross to bear. We can help but cannot carry each other. Maybe we can carry one another over a short period but not forever. It’s like Caroline Myss says, If you are the life guard, you save the person from drowning. But you don’t take him home after.

What does that mean for me? I guess I don’t believe that Jesus die on the cross for us. He did it for himself. That thought just came to me. I’m open to other thoughts. Happy Easter.

WHO THE HELL CARES?

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Photo by mohamed abdelghaffar on Pexels.com

April 5. I’m missing my daily ski – being in the great outdoors, the sky, the sun and clouds. I’m feeling the beginning of my moody blues. It’s not that I’m idle or lacking things to do. In the midst of doing, the question of what’s the point/purpose comes up. I’m lacking that joie de vivre, the joy of accomplishment. Maybe I’m just tired. Maybe it’s the weather. And then there’s the who the hell cares. I wonder if this kind of feelings drives people to drinks, drugs, affairs….Anyways, they don’t appeal to me. Not even snacking. Am I in trouble or what?

I can be happy that tonight is the last cold night I have to worry about for the greenhouse. And today was a very sunny day. It is nicely heated up for the night. It is still 18.6℃ at 6:30. The shade cloth is down and the front vents are covered with cardboard to mininize cold drafts. Even with the little electric heater, it still went down to 3.4℃ last night. But it’s suppose to go down to only -20℃ tonight. We’re almost home free now.

Well, I am feeling a bit better. Supper is almost ready. I can smell the sweetness of the Sweet Mama Squash roasting in the oven. I got a little carried away last year with how many I planted. I still have 5 down in the basement. I’ve been busy cooking, mashing and freezing them for pies and muffins. It is April and they’re getting close to their best by date. Guess what I will be doing tomorrow? They do freeze nicely in my silicone muffin pan. They pop out easy, too.