Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.
No matter the kind of day, I like to start it with a visit to the greenhouse and a walk around the garden and yard. It’s gets me off on the right foot. And if I trip and fall during the day, it softens the landing. I’ve been stumbling and tripping more lately. This is a difficult leg of the journey of life. I’m trying to prepare, strengthen and wise up a bit.
The garden is a good place to start according to this article from the Saskatchewan Blue Cross. I heartedly agree. The garden is never a sure thing. There are so many variables – the weather, pests, diseases and other things. They all try a gardener’s patience. You learn to roll with it all, learning acceptance and that you do not call all the shots. When something works and I have more salad greens than you can eat, I get such a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction. The garden is my place to go to when I want to quiet my busy, buzzing mind. When I weed the garden beds, I’m also weeding my mind. It’s peaceful restoring order within and without.
I don’t feel guilty when I don’t go to my exercise class because I’m mucking in the soil. I’m moving all my body parts. I’m restoring my equilibrium. Sometimes it is good to be with just myself in the garden. There’s always a host of feathered friends close by.
A cloudy windy day after a short burst of morning sunshine. I am happy to be out and about in the greenhouse and garden early this morning. Moving my body and getting things done is good therapy for a restless body and mind. I think I fell into a deep dark well of despair and helplessness the other day. Life is full of surprises. So many quirks, obstacles and unplanned detours. I thought I had a good grasp of the threads of life. But you know what they say about the best laid plans. They crumble into many pieces. I grieve for all past losses and the ones yet to come.
The grief I felt was so deep and emcompassing because in those moments I saw the truth of what is really important in our lives. I grieve because I saw the mistakes I/all of us have made and still making. I wonder why we couldn’t have/still can’t do better. Why are we so damn human? The knowing is such a deep pain with nowhere to go. I felt breathless with it. I could feel myself curling into fetal position in my mind’s eye. I did not want to be so physically and mentally locked in by my thoughts and emotions. So I started moving, just moving, doing my mobility routine and stretches.
You wouldn’t think that it would be much help. It wasn’t at first except to relieve some of the muscle tension caused by holding myself in so tight. Movement begats movement and I went on to bigger ones. It’s surprising how much I got done once I started moving. Yesterday I gathered some of my old shoes that was hanging around a long time but not worn. They’re in a garbage bag along with some other similiar items. I’m weeding my physical space, pulling out the obnoxious and clearing space so I can breathe. Feeling good from the inside out. What is outside is also on the inside.
I’m feeling better today despite the wind and clouds. But I have to wonder whether the weather change had precipitated and increased my moodiness. I have always felt I’m super sensitive to the weather. But then I also wonder if I’m using it as an excuse for my shortcomings. I should have more faith and trust in myself. I do have that sensitivity. It is not a bad thing. I suffer some but I also gain some insight from these occasions. What I’ve learned this time is that ruminating thoughts are the worse thing. Being able to stop them is the best. The best tool for that is movement.
It’s the jolly month of May. The sun is shining. The birds are chirping. Everything is greening. Yet instead of jolly, I feel the beginning of a moody blue, a sense of foreboding, a dull ache behind my eyes. I like to close my eyes and dive into bed and hide beneath the covers. But I do not. My head is filled with swirling debris of useless thoughts going nowhere.
Unable to clear and dust my inner space, I started to do so to my outer world. I gathered up my ski pants, mitts, gloves, scarves, hats and headband. They’re washed and hanging up to dry and another load of various items are swirling in the washer. The kitchen floor is swept. The makings of a stirfry are prepped, waiting for me to throw them into the frying pan. I’m sipping a cuppa decaf. I crave a cuppa of anything when thus. I’m trying to stay on the narrow low caffeine path. I might stray today.
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I did not stray too badly yesterday, having only an extra cup of decaf. I can rationalize that I’ve earned it, having taken my 90 plus mother for another medical appointment. It seems we’ve travelled a long and rocky medical path. Now we are on the last stage. I should be grateful that it is a much smoother and pleasant experience. I am and yet I can’t help but wondered why it wasn’t so before. I thought I had reconciled that I/we did the best I could. And whatever happened, I/we did alright. My mother will be turning 92 this July. She and my father are still living in their house on their own with minimal help from us.
I should have stayed with those thoughts but I’m not always in control. Bad thoughts and questions filtered through. Could I have done better as an advocate for my mother? Why didn’t I insist on this and that? Why didn’t I do this or that? If I had, maybe their health would be better today. So those thoughts go round and round inside. They immobilized my being. I’ve felt responsible for my parents’ lives most of my life. That’s what happened when I’m an immigrant child of immigrant parents. They do not understand or speak English well. I’m been their appointment taker and translator. It’s hard to be objective and not feel guilt.
So this is where I’m at in this jolly month of May. It’s 6:30 in my morning. I’ve been up since 5:15, unable to sleep more despite a little sleep aid last night. I’ve had my cuppa Orange Pekoe. I do want another but I’ll try a dandelion tea instead. I’m making a concerted effort not to let my strong emotions control me. I can. I can. The sun is beaming in agreement. I’ve tapped out my stored stagnant energy. I can breathe and move again to live another day.
The last day of April. The last day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I have to show up to wrap up though I don’t know where or how to begin. I am feeling the overwhelm of too many loose threads. My mind is far from being a clean slate, a blank canvas upon which I can paint/write the life I want. Instead it is a muddy eddy of scattered thoughts and memories. What are/were my goals, my wants and loves? They are not necessaily the same things.
I’m always eager and engaged at the beginning of any new endeavor. I feel focused and pumped. However, it doesn’t take long before my burst of enthusiasm develops a slow leak. I lose sight of the whole enchilada. I tread water, don’t show up, and/or write the same damn thing day in and day out. Sometimes I pride myself in just showing up/trying. I guess you can say I am beating myself up. That’s not it though. I’m giving myself a pep talk.
April and any given month is a hard month. And so are any given day. If I am being repetitive, so is life. There is a tediousness to almost everything. I/everyone have to work through that part. No one is exempt. How do you work through that? I heave and sigh alot. I make a cup of tea. Lately I had to change up on my cup size and kind of tea. I was getting too much caffeine. My heart was skipping a little too much and my lymph nodes swelling up. The change has been good but I still get cravings of my endless cup of Orange Pekoe tea. Listening to Caroline Myss on the Addict Archtype and Tara Brach on Letting Go helped alot. Writing about the tedium opens up the way out of it, too.
I’m not as morose as I sound. Really, I am not. It’s my way of working through hard spots and hard times. I’m not protesting too much. A friend reading my posts once offered me help and sanctuary because she thought I needed help. It was such a lovely and generous gesture. It’s a beautiful memory I have of her. Both she and her father were such a help to us when we first came to Canada. She walked me to school every morning and took me to Sunday school till I outgrew the need. I hope she still keeps an eye on me from Heaven.
These days I feel as unsettled as the weather. Maybe it is the stage in my life. Everything feels uncertain. The ground is ever shifting. No firm foundation underfoot. But at least I am feeling some peace in the quiet of the night. I’m tapping out a few words before I head off to bed. They will escape me if I don’t. It is soothing and comforting to tidy up a few things at the end of the day. Somehow that brings order and peace in my mind.
The humidifier has been soaking for a day or two, waiting for me to clean and put away till next winter. There’s never a better time than the present. It’s cleaned and to be put away tomorrow. Now I’m ready to get ready for bed. If I do too much, I will get too alert for sleep. Till the morning, then.
That was a few nights ago. The weather is still unsettled. What started out as a sunny warm day didn’t stay. It became cool and cloudy. No weather for a picnic. However, it didn’t prevent me from planting 3 more Roma tomatoes under Kozy Coats in the raised bed. I still 3 more to do but that will have to wait until I get more Kozy Coats. Things being what there are, it could still snow. But here’s hoping it will only rain from now on.
I am a little more settled, feeling safe in my sking. But it’s still touch and go. It’s a job keeping my mind and head clear. Debris have a habit of creeping in. Today I got distracted by a new toy – an iPad and games you can play. I’ve only uploaded solitaire but it’s bad enough. I spent too much time on a hard hand. It grabbed me and wouldn’t easily let go. I haven’t solved it yet but I did finally unhook myself to come to this space to finish what I had started.
Life is like that, you know. I have to say I’ve been doing pretty well. Not perfect but I am getting things done and all that. I’m not a machine. Being human, I can be led down a few stray paths. I have to cut myself some slack and just enjoy what comes along, even the weeds along the way. I have not a show every day for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. And I am not participating in the usual sense. This month of writing is mostly for myself – a workbook of a sort.
I’m not so successful clearing my mind this morning so I did a little clearing of my table. What is without is within. I’m heading out to my exercise class in a few minutes. I’m making a few marks here to get the words and thoughts flowing for later. Mark making is an important step in getting started. Later, baby, as they say.
This is the later I spoke of this morning. I’m afraid this is one of those time that the words will not flow. I will have to work for them. Talking about making marks, I don’t think I’ve made even a dent, never mind a mark in the world. I feel a bit sad and inadequate. I don’t really want to be a big splash but I like to think that I’ve made a difference, that I matter. It’s what we all want. I hate being human and vulnerable, don’t you?
The day has sped by. It is not a warm one. I’m warming up with a cuppa Ovaltine. I’m learning to change up my drinks as not to get addicted to any one. Ovaltine was a favourite when I was a child in Hong Kong. My mother and I had moved there from mainland China when I was 6. That was also when we were introduced to Red Rose Orange Pekoe Tea and toast. It was all so new and tasted so good. That’s what I have to remember – to change up often. Not only with drinks and food but with everything in life. I remember the delight of discovering and learning new things and tastes. Too much of one thing deadens and dulls the senses. It’s my lightbulb moment from my thoughts for the 24th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.
I’m feeling a little stuck this morning. Can’t decide what to draw for #the100day project. I’m itching for some colour after a stretch of graphite and charcoal. I don’t want to stay in frustration and in indecision. I moved onto a bit of dusting our bedroom. How fast dust accumulates. It didn’t take long to take care of it. It is surprising sometimes how I can get so stuck in the feelings of not wanting to do it. The action of dusting is not hard. Overcoming the feeling of not wanting to do is. Human beings are so complex and hard to figure out. It’s not worth the time to ponder on it but knowing what is what is good enough. It’s confusing. I know it.
I was having cravings for my bottomless cup of tea this morning. I woke up thinking about it. I didn’t cave in though. I just had one literal cup and I was good. That is till we had our Sunday morning breakfast of sourdough pancakes, bacon and eggs with maple syrup. The sweet maple syrup set up a want of a cuppa. Being in a bit of a dither on what to draw also stirred an urge of having a cuppa. So I made a cuppa – chocolate mint tea with no sweetener. It quelched my yen for more of. But I think I will grab another cuppa. It is refreshing with little calories and no caffeine. Incidentally, my heart still skips now and then. It’s quiet when I’m relaxed and engaged. I have strong thoughts and feelings. I have to let go of everything more and say, It’s good enough.
The day is almost over. It is supper time. I’ve done the dreaded Tax Return but I’m not ready to push the SUBMIT button yet. The hard part is done. It was a good exercise for my brain. I have a few more days to fret over having to pay. I guess I should be thankful because it means I have money. The bonus to the day was finding something colourful to draw – my high school grad. It turned out more colourful than I intended. It was more than good enough.
April 20th. Another new dawn. Another new day. The sun is gracing us with its presence. We are joyous. I’ve been in the greenhouse, raised the shade and removed the cardboards from the windows. The nights are still cool, dipping into the minus. Every little bit of heat I can help retain is worth the effort. I harvested some brokali greens for a stir fry for lunch and did a little weeding. They don’t need much sun or heat to thrive. If I don’t take care, they will take over. That’s what happened with my garden within. I haven’t paid attention and the weeds have invaded my head space. Now comes the painful but needed task of weeding within.
The important thing is to create a clean canvass each morning. Put up boundaries so overwhelm cannot come in. In this case, I’m fencing out intrusive and negative thoughts, trashy tidbits from the world wide web and any distractions clamoring for my attention. It is important that I think of only the thing I’m doing/working on at the moment. When I’m writing, I should be thinking only of what I am writing. It is a hard task since I’ve set my brain on autopilot for so long. Now I have to work to take back control. It can be done. First, I need to have a plan. I need to know where the trouble plots are in the garden of my mind. I need to know what weeds are growing in each plot and then to find the right solution.
It’s late afternoon. I’ve come back to this plot to work on the weeds. I have just a little more to do and then I will call it quits for today. I must not bite off too much all at once. Working in small squares add up. I’m staying on track with set goals and intentions. I have not over indulged on my cuppas, having one Orange Pekoe in the morning and a decaf in the afternoon. I noticed that I really would like another after the decaf. I think it’s the sugar and cream calling me. The pumpkin chocolate chip muffin added its voice. I resisted their calls. A good ending for this 22nd day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am pleased.
Here’s that time again to write something for the Ultimate Blog Challenge and myself. It’s not so easy this time around. I struggle with it every day. Yesterday I started to down size my cup of tea, making it a literal cup – one in the morning and one in the afternoon. So far so good but I am feeling some difficulties. Before when I feel stuck about anything, I would make myself a cup of tea. I guess it’s really a procrastinating tactic. I’m putting off, buying some time. Now I can’t do that. I have to stay stuck with those feelings. It doesn’t feel great.
Since it is only day 2, I can’t give up yet. I have to stay with these stuck feelings. Besides, my heart still skips, though less. It’s worth it. I tell myself to stay. The treat will be a healthy steady heart. I tell myself to breathe, sit tall and breathe out slowly. Stay the course. I am realizing how little tolerance I have with feelings of discomfort, be it uncertainty, boredom, anxiety…. I want distraction, cover ups, any escape route that is possible. Of course, I know in my heart there is no escape. We have to face/deal with whatever it is eventually.
So here I am at the end of the day. I have survived. I have had just one cup of Orange Pekoe tea and one cup of decaf. Not really truly missing or suffering the decrease. What is bothersome is that now there is not the ritual of making a cuppa to delay whatever I’m dreading or reluctant to do. Now I have to do something else in its place. Today I got the bathroom and kitchen floors washed. I walked to the bank and fixed a problem. They are not hard things to do but these days, they are in with many other things I don’t like to do. I think technology and all our gadgets have made me lazy and changed my brain somehow. I’m much more comfortable just living in my thoughts. And I know that’s not really living and it is not healthy. I have to move and do.
Well, this is the end. Not a great post. It’s really me problem solving by putting out/down my thoughts. It’s hard to hold them inside. They go round and round in my head with no resolution. They had to come out.
It’s a hard task to keep my mind weeded and clear of debris. Thoughts and information, useful and useless crowded in as soon as I wake and open my eyes. I have to admit I got distracted more than usual this morning. I’m having a time to clear my head/mind to that blank canvass. Until then it is hard to focus and work. I do have an intention formed from yesterday. And that is I want to down size everything, starting with my mug. I do love my tea but more isn’t always better. The sizes of things, including cups/mugs seems to have increased expotentially without my conscious awareness.
When I have a cup of tea, I’m actually having 2 cups of tea. So in a day, I drink 4 literal cups of Orange Pekoe tea and 4 literal cups of decaffineinated coffee. All in all, I’m not sure how much caffeine I’m consuming. My heart seems to be protesting lately by skipping a beat. I’ve had these episodes before so am not too worried. I will cut back caffeine by using a smaller cup. It’s come to my attention that the more I have of something, the more I want it. Even though I don’t enjoy the taste any more, I still crave it. That’s the case with my Orange Pekoe tea. I wonder if it’s the repetitive habit of having a cup of tea when I’m not sure of anything, in doubt or un-ease, created the addiction. While routines and habits can be helpful, I have to be watchful and change them up so they do not get addictive and cause harm.
Mug on left holds 2 cups. Mug on right holds 1 cup.
It’s afternoon. We’ve just come back from lunch. The sun is trying to shine. It’s starting to snow again. We do need the moisture. I’m all out of words. It’s a good time to start sorting my papers for my Tax Return. So ends this post for the 20th day of the Ultimate Challenge.
onethousandandtwo 