It’s too hot for words today and my mind is totally toasted. Here’s what happiness is for me this morning. In the heat of the afternoon, I’m not feeling cool and content like my laughing buddha.
But a glass of rhubarb wine can greatly reduce my distress. I’m feeling a bit more mellow.
I’m looking at my garden with a happier eye. How can I ask for anything more?
Summer time and the living is not quite so easy, not even on a Sunday. Not for me anyways. Seems like as I grow older, life gets busier. Maybe that is because I am moving slower and I can’t keep pace. But what’s the haste, eh? That kind of attitude will get me nowhere fast.
I’ve learned to move early and often to compensate for my slowness. I’m up early almost at the crack of dawn. It’s easy when the sun is an early bird and lights the way. I always enjoy my first cup of tea immensely in the quiet of early morning. It’s always wonderful on the deck if weather permits.
After, I like to do a tour of my outdoor space before breakfast. You might say it’s my walking meditation. It clears my head and mind of useless debris, the toxins that can poison my very thoughts. The greenhouse is good place to wander in. It is still relatively cool and filled with the scent of bitter melon blossoms. This year has been odd with the weather just getting warm this past week. It is not a jungle of bitter melon vines and tomatoes of other summers. But they will come. Look! A cucumber ready for the picking.
It’s hard to stay still and put my feet up even in the heat of the afternoon. Things need to be done. This afternoon found me in our community garden. There’s weeds to be pulled, mulch to be laid and everything needs to be watered. So I sweated but it’s a good sweat. Time keeps marching on. The growing season is short. It is work I enjoy. It is much easier than clearing and cleaning house.
So another post for day 7 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Whew! I thought I couldn’t do it.
The morning is bright and sunny. I’m still irritably irked. It is a double whammy alright. Unfortunately, my nature is such that once something has got a hold of me, it is hard for me to let it go. I’m like Sheba with a bone. I miss her. If she was here, she could always make me feel better. But she’s not. I have to do it myself.
I’m not moving fast, weighed down by my miserable nature. But the day is started. I’ve dugged out another small patch in my flower bed. It is a little harder this morning, the soil being dryer. But it is very satisfying to get all those damn creeping bellflower roots up and out. When I see the network of carrot like tubers and fine fibers attached, it is no wonder they’re so difficult to get rid off. I am careful not to overdo. A little dab at a time will do it. Mission completed.
That is the approach I will have to take when the going gets tough. My brain is a bit foggy when I’m moody. I have to push a little harder through the mist to find the words and thoughts. I can think of it as aerobics for my mind. My vision can be clouded by my feelings. I can be wrong about many things in this state. It is better to do less rather than more. It is better for me to be slower than faster.
I have a tea to attend at Hues Art Supply this afternoon. It’s where I have been taking my art classes. For the month of July and August, they are displaying the students’ art. So two of my paintings are showing for the month of July.
It’s the 5th of July and and our temperatures are heating up. I’m hot and bothered and sweating a bucket. I’ll try to cool off before heading off to bed. I’ve been working hard today though feeling not getting much done. So I’m feeling a bit restless and not satisfied. Life is hard and the hardest thing I’m struggling with is to understand and being understood. Then there’s the don’t take things personally.
I’m irked, therefore trying to tap out instead of act out my angst. And it is the 5th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Though I am tired and would rather watch Miss Marple, I’m making an effort to put my words out. I always have an intention to do this in the morning but intentions don’t count when I don’t act on them. Every day I have plans to tidy and clean up. There surely is a lot of clutter and dust. But I just haven’t done it either.
One thing that has been acted upon is my crusade against those bloody creeping, creepy bellflowers. I’ve been tackling them early each morning. I mean business, wanting to get them under control by end of summer. The job of digging them out is not as formidable in reality as it was in my head. Once I started, everything falls into place, one small patch at a time. There’s a rhythm to it, much like the tapping on the keyboard. I can see success in my head. It will happen.
I’m getting sleepy. I’m closing down. Be back tomorrow.
It’s the 4th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I know it’s not going to be an easy going. My eyes are already glazed over with sleepiness and not one thought in my brain. So what am I going to do besides sweating and falling asleep? This is what could happen when you don’t have a product or business to peddle.
I really admire sales people but I can’t imagine being one. I hate the idea of selling but once I was pumped up with the idea that I could. So anything is possible. I tried. The honeymoon didn’t last long though. I failed. That was long ago. I’ve had more failures since but none the worse for it. I hope I can succeed in writing this post. It is not easy. The words are stuck and I just can’t shake them loose.
Oh well, some days are like that. I might as well pack it up. Tomorrow is another day. It is not do or die. There are always a silver lining to everything, including failure. I just can’t think what it is at the moment.
Thank God for Wordless Wednesdays! Today is super challenging and here I am, enrolled in all these volunteered challenges. For one thing, today feels super hot after endless grey, rainy and cool weather. I should be jumping up and down with joy BUT…I’m feeling lackadasical. I don’t think I can find myself out of a wet paper bag.
But I have to show up somehow. I mean, I can’t just fold up and hide away. Well, I suppose I could but what would that say about me? Hmmm. I muttered to myself and went out in the world anyways. What can I say when my mother asks me to get her 2 cans of chicken broth? I went and got her 2 cans of chicken broth and some other goodies. The outing did cheered me somewhat. And so did painting 2 little index cards for my Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge. They’re not great art but they are cheery.
Looks like I’m not wordless after all. The other challenge I have is much harder. It is getting rid of those damned creeping bellflowers that is all over my front year. And to think I did it to myself because someone said they’re good groundcover and have pretty blue flowers. The downside is they choke out everything and very, very hard to eliminate. Have a look. Some failures. Some success. Like everything in life. But this is the year. The first photo is of an area loaded with bellflowers. Subsequent photos of small areas I’ve cleared most of them. Of course they do come back, especially after a rain. I try to keep on top.
Well, this was very wordy. I guess I had to get it out.
I surely miss wakening up to those early sundrenched mornings of past summers. I have taken so many things for granted – that they will always be here. Now comes the hard lesson. It isn’t so and they’ve never been. I’m realizing the value and the pleasure of those simple/ not so simple ordinary/not so ordinary things. So far this summer I’m still waking up in darkness in July and slipping into my warm fuzzy housecoat. What I now know is, nothing is for sure.
Let me not cry my blues and whine about the weather like I usually do. I want and am leaning towards it. Let me see if I can change my thoughts and words. It’s another day and the beat goes on. It is what it is. I have to join the band. How I play in it is my choice, but at least I’m participating, being actively involved. I’m doing the best I can. It’s all I can ask of myself.
I’ve always found words magical and healing. I inhale and exhale words and thoughts. They’re oxygen and medicine for my heart and soul. They soothe and smooth me. They can help me find the way out of the deep dark woods of my thoughts. It’s a good reason for me to show up here daily. It’s a good mental health practice, similar to brushing our teeth. Both benefit our physical and mental well being.
Today is the second day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Having broke the ice yesterday, it isn’t quite as difficult coming to my keyboard. The effort yesterday gave me a little extra gas for catching up on daisy yellow index-card-a-day challenge. I was stuck at day 27 and had no desire to go on. I was able to push myself to do a few more cards – day 28 – 30. I’m almost caught up. Halfway through the index card challenge.
So it is July 1, Canada Day, signifying 157 years since the passing of the Confederation Act, and the country’s formal creation. This day is supposed to be filled with celebrations – parades, fireworks, picnics, concerts, etc. As one whose nature is not bent towards being celebratory, I’ve never looked forward to all this but have felt obligated to participate and enjoy. But at long last, I’m okay to annouce that I have no plans for this long weekend of Canada Day celebrations.
Today is also the first day of July’s Ultimate Blog Challenge. The rules are simple. You write a post a day, publish it on your own website, then share on the UBC page. If you decide to participate on the daily thread, you read and comment on the 2 posts immediately above yours. It’s a great way of meeting other bloggers and getting new knowledge and ideas. It’s a good way of building community. I’ve been participating in the UBC for quite a few years now. I have always been eager to start but I’m feeling a bit stuck this time around. However, I will give it my best shot.
The beginning of anything is diffcult. Bringing myself to the chair in front of my keyboard was a huge effort but I am here. My reasons for writing have always been for the pleasure it gives me since I don’t have a business or anything else to promote. Now thinking about it, I also write to be heard and seen. This time I’m writing to cheer myself up and to motivate myself in putting one foot in front of the other and carry on. Maybe it can help me to finish my other projects that I have dropped by the wayside.
What I now know for sure is that later never comes, I can’t do/have everything and that I can never get on top of things. After years and years of trying and talking about it, I’ve finally come to my senses and let life evolve as it will. Of course, I still want to have a little foresight, put in some effort to minimize chaos and as much damage as I can. But things can go all to hell despite all my best efforts. I’ve learned not to blame myself, knowing that I’ve done my best. If I could have done better, I would have. Who wouldn’t?
I’m reading Four Thousand Weeks, Time Management for Mortals by Oliver Burkeman. It’s not the usual self-help book on how to get more done. Quite the opposite! It’s from this book that I’ve realized it’s impossible to get on top of everything and that I can’t do/have it all. I have to choose how to spend the 4,000 weeks of my life if I was to live to 80. How stupid of me to keep bashing myself all these years, failing and yet not stopping. And so I keep reading and taking courses that tells me the same damn things over and over. Didn’t someone say that it’s dumb to expect different results from doing the same things? I’m always the slow and late learner.
It’s good that you can teach an old dog new tricks. I can’t really say I’ve turned over a new leaf, not all my leaves anyways. Learning new ways, learning to stop the not so good/wise ways is not easy. Changing is tiring. So a little each day with lots of rest and relaxation in between. And lots of TLC for myself.
I’m held hostage still by my unrelenting ruminating thoughts. I’ve been there many times in the past. I’ve had not much success in finding a cure so I will stay the course and let them go round and round till they peter out. Maybe something will trigger the jukebox in my head and I can hear a different tune.
The thing not to do is to berate myself for ruminating. If I could stop, surely I would. It is distressing and no fun at all. And if I could stop, why wouldn’t I? I am chilled with the stress. I put on my soft cotton sweater. It is a strange pale lime colour, not at all compatible with my Asian complexion. But it is amazingly comforting. I’m practicing what the Danish call haygge. I’m experiencing some ease in ‘talking‘ about my distress here. I seldom find it in verbal exchange with someone in real time. Often, there’s misunderstanding, mishearing or no hearing at all. That can cause playback over and over, like an echo chamber.
Here, I can tap out my thoughts, distress. There’s no talk back, no judgement and no why did/didn’t you do that? Thinking back/still, I know I did the best I could at the time. If I could have done better, I would have. Working out these thoughts on the page is more effective than trying to convince/gain another’s approval of my actions. Doing so only causes me to doubt myself resulting in more distress. Was it Rudyard Kipling that advises on keeping one’s own counsel in his poem IF?
The poem IF by Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don’t deal in lies,
Or, being hated, don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;
If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with triumph and disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: “Hold on”;
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings—nor lose the common touch;
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you;
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run—
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,
And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!
onethousandandtwo 