About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

Willy Nilly

Posted on August 27, 2024 by hafong

I’m still procrastinating but I’m also still trying to overcome. It’s not easy while I’m surrounded by gizmos for distraction. I’m no better than the kids. If there’s a button to push or scroll, I will do it. After many minutes, I wonder what my purpose was. Is there a pot of gold/knoweledge/wisdom at the end? No. So after all that I’m tapping on my keyboard to find my own wisdom.

I’m finding that my concentration power is ever decreasing. It’s difficult and painful to sit and read every word of a post/article. That’s one valuable thing I’ve learned this morning. Though I try to concentrate, my eyes and mind cannot be still. They flit ahead to the next sentence and paragraph willy nilly. It’s not good. I have no order in my surroundings or in my mind. I have/want to get my mind back. I have/want to stop pushing/scrolling willy nilly. My life time is getting shorter. I don’t want to be a robot.

Pirouettes by Mark Nepo

Some days, the simplest tasks
seem weighty and endless:
make the bed, tuck in the sheet,
make the coffee, stir, and drink,
find the bills, pay the bills.

Some weeks, the days blur:
get on the plane, get off the plane,
get in the car, get out of the car,
sign in here, sign out there.

Then, I got your email saying:
Isn’t this all a blessing?

We get to make the bed
and tuck in the sheet.
We get to make the coffee
and stir it and drink.

I emailed you back:
What’s the difference?

You called me up and said:
“Oh my friend, if we can just
keep falling down and getting up,
it all becomes a dance.”

Of course, I’m still procrastinating. I’ve written the above words many days ago. Never finished. Never published. I could have, should have. All the could haves and should haves don’t mean beans. I talk about a new plan. I really don’t have one. I’m still going at it willy nilly. I can’t help but feel a little down-in-a-hole-I can’t get-out-of.

It’s another day. I’m still working on this piece. I have to remember that it’s end of August. It’s still dark at 6 in the morning. I feel the darkness in my bones. It’s part of my nature. There’s nothing to do but keep moving, breathing in and out and keep on tapping on my keyboard. I am sure I am not alone in this.

My New Plan

Posted on August 18, 2024 by hafong

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

In my last post, I talked about making a new plan on stopping procrastination. I’ve been procrastinating and there’s no plan, new or old yet. No surprise there. I haven’t been sitting on my ass. I’ve been busy with gardening, fall harvest, blanching and freezing peas and beans. I am busy all day, most days. When it comes to keeping things in order, my mind and brain clouds over in fatigue and pain. I can’t seem to deal with it and make a start.

I walk away. I go outside. It seems easier to weed, water, harvest. I find those things soothing. But, of course, there’s all those things left unattended niggling at the back of my mind. They weigh and eat away at my peace of mind. The plan is I must make a move, pick up something, throw away something, dust something, just do any one thing to get some momentum. The first move is damn hard! It is painful! But it eases off once made.

My first move yesterday was taking the hand vacuum to the sunroom floor. It’s hard to understand but getting started was so hard that it brought tears to my eyes. The floor has many days of dropped crumbs, dust and what-have-yous. There were obstacles in my path, so I had to do some pick up and moving. Since I had the vacuum in my hands and I noticed that the window screen was dirty, I gave it some suction. It didn’t do a good job. A wipe with a damp cloth was much better. All that didn’t seem so hard after. It didn’t kill me. The clean floor and window screen made me feel better.

But I was faced with the same difficulty this morning. But it was easier getting over the fatigue and pain of getting started. I’m here. I’m tapping. I’ve dealt with one piece of paper. Don’t laugh. That’s a big deal for me! Let me try for a few more and then call it quits. Tomorrow is another day.

50 Ways of Leaving

Posted on August 13, 2024 by hafong

Paul Simon’s 50 Ways of Leaving Your Lover has been playing in my head lately. It’s August and I’m moody again, or still. It is one of the things I like to leave behind. But Simon does not really give you 50 ways of leaving. I counted only 3. What a liar.

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free
Ooh, slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
You just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

It is possible to leave a lover but unfortunately it is not so easy to leave myself. I yam who I yam, says Dr. Seus. But I could make a new plan. I’ve been trying to do that for how long now? Procrastination is another thing that I want to leave. The thing is I’ve been slipping out the back and hopping on the bus for a long time. Now I have to stop and make a new plan. How often have I said that already? It’s hard to believe myself. I am getting quite angry over it plus other things I don’t want to bring to light.

Anger can be a good catalyst to blast me out of my moodiness and procrastination. It got me out the door and tackled the creeping bellflower problem in my front yard. It is amazing how much energy it gave me. In less than an hour, I pulled a few of those creepy bellflowers and poured a bag of last year’s leaves and a bag of smelly grass clippings over the bad areas. Now it is looking like this. Not too bad, eh?

I’ve found a good article on how to stop procrastination. Not that I haven’t read anything on the subject before, but….At least I’ve written this post. Have been trying for days. I have paid insurance policy on the house and registered for an online class – President’s Lecture Series: Curing the World’s Diseases. These are a few things I’ve done to feel good about. I’m not totally stagnant.

Life is Difficult

Posted on August 8, 2024 by hafong

M. Scott Peck wasn’t kidding with his first line in The Road Less Travelled. Life is difficult. I have found that it’s never perfect and seldom smooth. Some days I’m falling asleep in early evening watching my favourite crime show. Other nights, like last night, I could not sleep past 2 am. Not too many days ago, we were sweltering in +30℃, sleeping with all the windows wide opened. Now all the windows are closed and I’m snuggling in my old pink fuzzy housecoat.

Talking about M. Scott Peck, he wasn’t so perfect either. Checking him out, I found that his first wife was Lily Ho Chinese. From an article in the Guardian “He spent much of his life immersed in cheap gin, chain-smoking cigarettes and inhaling cannabis, and being persistently unfaithful to his wife, who eventually divorced him. He also went through estrangement with two of his three children.” He sounds like a scoundrel. I wonder why he and his book were so successful. I have to read it again. It’s on my bookshelf.

I do wonder if I have been reading the wrong books, worshipping the wrong heroes and tripping down the wrong paths. How is one to know though? Having arrived here at this point in my life, I think it wiser to choose the easier and well trodden path first. It would be easier going and retreating. It would save time and energy to begin anew. It is hind sight and too late for me. It’s what I would advise if I was asked but who listens to advice. Not me.

So here I am, not exactly stuck and not doing terribly. I am just tapping and bitching. It helps me in the process of letting go. It’s never easy for me. I hang on and hang on. Thoughts and feelings swirling around like a snow globe. It is how I am. I can learn to a little better but it is my nature. It does me less harm if I tap it out rather than forcing myself into being perfect and never stray off the path.

When the Going Got Tough

Posted on August 5, 2024 by hafong

Just like that our heat is gone – for now. The nights are mornings are cool. This morning the sky is overcast. I feel autumn in the air. I also feel a dip in my mood and energy. It is not restful but such is life, the ups and downs. I’m on my third cup of tea/coffee. When feeling in doubt/restlessness, I drink. Good thing it is not alcohol or else I’ll be in trouble.

This July’s Ultimate Blog Challenge has been my worse showing. I’ve only shown up 13 days out of 31, a little more than a third. When the going got tough, I left. I don’t feel bad about it. I’m finally learning to ‘let go’ and not strive and strive like my old self. I would have liked to have done better but taking care of myself was more important. It was a conscious decision. But it is good to come back and do some kind of finishing and wrapping up.

Thanks to Paul for organizing the challenges and all of us who participates. I will in all likelihood join in the next one. It’s good practice for the brain and community.

Wordless Thursday – the Garden, Greenhouse & Beyond

Posted on July 25, 2024 by hafong

I was wordless and photo-less on Wednesday. I thought I would try for a few words with photos for today. It’s better late than never. Our heat wave continues but we did have a coolish day on Tuesday. It gave the house a chance to cool off. The smoke from forest fires are higher up so there’s not the smell. Still the morning was under a heavy gloom. It indeed felt like the end of the world.

The way it is, it could very well happen. So there’s nothing that I can do but live the best I can. That means still doing the things that give meaning to my life – gardening and doodling the best I can/know how.

The slow cool spring and summer heat are affecting how the garden at home and in the community garden as well as how things are in the greenhouse. It shows how vulnerable we and our food supply are. Nothing is for sure. If this isn’t our wakeup call, I don’t know what is. However, we are still ok. We are still getting a good enough though different crop. But what about next year?

I keep trudging along, one foot in front of the other. It’s a hard year but it’s teaching me stamina and staying positive. I’m learning to take better care of myself. I’m learning from Mary Sarton to rest and not do, do all the time. From May Sarton’s Journal of a Solitude:

[18th January 1971]

“A strange empty day. I did not feel well, lay around, looked at daffodils against the white walls, and twice thought I must be having hallucinations because of their extraordinary scent that goes from room to room. I always forget how important the empty days are, how important it may be sometimes not to expect to produce anything, even a few lines in a journal. I am still pursued by a neurosis about work inherited from my father. A day where one has not pushed oneself to the limit seems a damaged damaging day, a sinful day. Not so! The most valuable thing we can do for the psyche, occasionally, is to let it rest, wander, live in the changing light of a room, not try to be or do anything whatever. Tonight I do feel in a state of grace, limbered up, less strained. Before supper I was able to begin to sort out poems of the last two years … there is quite a bunch. For my sixtieth birthday I intend to publish sixty new poems and, as I see it now, it will be a book of chiefly love poems. Sixty at Sixty, I call it, for fun.”

My little index card art is my journal. These are part of the 61 days of Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge. When I tried too hard and follow the narrow road, I got stuck and couldn’t create. I was almost 20 days behind. So I gave up trying to follow themes and prompts and just doodled. I got these 5 card in the last 2 days. And they were fun to do. The lesson – relax and have fun.

PS. I’m not a political animal at all but the time seems ripe to pay more attention, learn and be more involved. Thus the 3 portraits.

The Heat Keeps On

Posted on July 22, 2024 by hafong

It’s July 22 and day 22 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. We are still sizzling in our heat wave. For the last couple of days, we are also enveloped in smoke from forest fires. The smoke have completely blocked out the sun but not the heat. My world has an eery feeling as if we’re on the very abyss of destruction.

It hasn’t been a good environment for me to thrive and be creative. My energy and desires have also sizzled and turned into ashes in this climate. I’ve been a no show here and in the Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge. I think sometimes it’s good not to fight so hard. It’s ok to let go a little and just be. Perhaps I’m justifying my brain’s laziness and my physical inertia. But it’s a healthy justification. We need rest for body and mind.

Now that I’ve found these few words here, I hope I can work through my malaise and make a little card also. There’s cooler weather on Friday to look forward to.

Wordless Wednesday – the garden

Posted on July 17, 2024 by hafong

It’s a hot one today and the rest of the week and beyond. It’s good to have a wordless day when I have been a no show and am struggling for words.

Summer Heat & Memories

Posted on July 12, 2024 by hafong

Another warm day but not the 34℃ of yesterday. 27℃ is plenty warm enough. The sun is somewhat hazy and there’s smoke in the air. I’m not feeling in a super mood. I’m trying to work through it. It’s a good thing that I have the Ultimate Blog Challenge to explore all this.

Have I ever mentioned that I have never loved summer? It goes way back to my childhood days growing up in Maidstone. We were one of maybe 3 Chinese families in town. We didn’t socialize much with the rest of the community being new immigrants. Our cafe was opened every day except Sunday, all year long. We never went anywhere except maybe North Battleford (an hour’s drive away) once in a blue moon for dentist, optometrist and maybe a little shopping.

Summer time the town seemed dead. The farmers were out farming. School was over. Seemed like everyone went to the lake or on holidays except us. I ordered books from the library which came on the Greyhound bus. I read alot of Laura Ingalls Wilder books, Trixie Beldon books, Hardy Boys books and alot of Superman comics and movie star magazines. I drew portraits of Elvis, Fabian and Ricky Nelson. I can’t remember what else I did during those long hot summers.

Another reason I did not care for summers was being hot, I couldn’t wear long sleeves or sweaters to hide the scar on my left arm. I got the scar when I was 2 years old. We were still in China then. I was scalded by a bowl of hot sweet syrup. It was winter and I had long sleeved top on. It was difficult to get it off. Doctors were not the common thing then. My burn would not heal for a long time. Someone advise taking me to a doctor. My arm healed, resulting in a large scar but I have full function. I didnot lose any range of motion but I did get teased.

I was very sensitive about it for a long time. I tried to imagine what it would feel like unscarred. I couldn’t since I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have the scar. I finally got over it when I became a nurse. All the uniforms were short sleeved. I was by then at the ripe age of 27/28. Took a long time to get over it. You can see dumb I was in this photo – how I turned my left arm in to hide the scar. I was not holding it naturally like my aunt behind me.

All these were long ago but feelings and memories linger still. They feel like part of my biology. But at least I understand the where, when and how. And I have this space to tap it onto the page. Then I don’t feel so bad.

Our House

Posted on July 11, 2024 by hafong

It is another hot, hot day. Not a good day for creative thoughts or writing. I’ve fallen behind in my painting for the Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day challenge. Cooler weather is coming tomorrow. Perhaps I can do some catching up then. Meanwhile, I’ve been enjoying an afternoon siesta. It’s a wise thing to do when it is 34°C outside.
But now it is time to wake up and write a post for day 11 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

My cousin from Boston had made a recent trip back to China. He sent a couple of photos of our house. My paternal grandfather had saved the money to have it built shortly before my father was born. So it is over 93 years old. It was a beautiful 2 story, 2 family home for my grandfather’s family and for his youngest brother’s family.

The main floor held 2 kitchens and living areas. The bedrooms on the 2nd floor. It has a flat roof with a cupola, for lack of a better word. I remember playing up there on the roof. It was where I had my first encounter with ‘ghosts’. I think I felt them rather than ‘saw’ them. My mother told me they were our ancestor and nothing to be afraid of.

When we left China, our family had intentions of returning. We have not made a return trip. Not even once. But the house has always been occupied by our cousins. Sadly, it hasn’t been maintained and looking quite neglected. And during Mao’s time, the government had taken all the steel that was part of the house – all the metal window shutters, the big main door and gate. Happily, the Boston cousin has the means to renovate it. He is going to have it restored to as when my grandfather had it built.

The cousin is the youngest son of my grandfather’s brother. He knows our families’ history. He knows that my grandfather had supported his family. He is grateful and wants good fend shui. No leaky roof over our ancestors’ heads.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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