About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

LIES WE TELL OURSELVES

Posted on September 1, 2017 by hafong

I hate this time of the day. It’s no lie. Lunch is over and the cleanup done. I’m left with this down in my boots feeling. How to rise again. I really could use Wonder Woman’s boots. Better yet, I wish I am her. I could be doing wonders instead of sitting at keyboard, trying with nothing coming. No ideas, no songs, nothing important to say. Maybe I can sit and rest awhile. Is there a need for idle chatter? Can we just sit together, breathe and be? Wait, I’m going to make a cup of tea.

I’m back with my tea. While I was waiting for the kettle to boil, I damp mopped the kitchen floor. It led to most of the floors. I’m training myself to use moments to pick up, mop up and whatever-else. The I-will-do-it-later/tomorrow sometimes never happens. Then I will have to spend a difficult whole day digging out of the piles and messes. I try not to tell myself that do-it-later lie any more. Let’s see how I do.

I am thinking of another lie we say a lot. You are not getting older. You’re getting better. I don’t think it would make the older person feel any better. I don’t tell anyone that. I’m thinking of my mother. I had tea with her yesterday. I don’t think she would say she is getting better when she is losing physical strength and stamina. What she does say is that she is not useful anymore. It is how she feels and I am not one to disregard her feelings. I just listen. I try to help her maximize what she has. Of course, my mother is smarter than me and tells me so. She doesn’t need much help from me. She uses her brain to compensate for her deteriorating physical health. She is still doing awesome. I sit and listen to her. That’s my biggest help.

I don’t believe that I can overcome depression forever either. That’s another lie I will not tell myself anymore. Being human is being susceptible to all those emotions in the flux of life. How can I not feel bad when bad things happen? Conversely, how can I be sad when good things happen? Some of us are luckier than others, having cheerier and easier dispositions. I am not one of them. I have been in dark places, on medication and on the couch. It is not where I am now. Learning and understanding my nature and life experience have been the key. And equally, so is exercise. I remind myself that I am not a robot. I feel. I screw up sometimes. Life is not perfect. I am allowed to be depress from time to time.

How about you? How are you doing and what lies do you tell yourself?

NO WHAM BANG, THANK YOU MA’AM

Posted on August 31, 2017 by hafong

I don’t often write movie reviews. Actually I’ve never written one. This isn’t a review. Last night the mister was stepping out to a book reading at Turning the Tide Bookstore on Arthur Manual’s book Unsettling Canada: A National Wake-Up Call. A worthy event but I’ve had enough serious and heavy stuff. I went to the movies instead, a rare occasion nowadays for me. It was a good practice to step out on my own and in the evening. I wonder if it’s a sign of aging that I like to huddle at home once the sun sets. I vow to step out more if it proved to be a success.

The movie I chose was The Hero, starring Sam Elliot. I checked out the trailer. Seemed interesting and engaging. Starts at 7:05 pm. Length 90 minutes. Seems pretty good to me. I would get home at a decent time approximately same time as the guy.

Sam Elliot was good to look at, even at 73. He was himself, charming, deep voiced, silver haired and moustached. Not every part of the story hinged together well. It was so much like real life. I didn’t try to understand it. There was romance, the May – December kind but no heated sex scenes. There was none of that wham bang thank you ma’am. No violence. No fast car crashes. But there was Folger’s coffee the next morning.

I did scratch my head at the end wondering is this all? It ended with the same scene as it began. But all in all I did enjoy myself. I stepped out of my everyday evening and was entertained with a gentler story and humour. Though the hero was dying of cancer, there was no dramatic or traumatic death scenes. He didn’t ride off in the sunset either. Sam Elliot was the movie as stated by the review on rogerebert.com. “Elliott could sell us anything, or course—barbecue sauce, whatever—just by showing up and being his formidable, glorious self. But he could use some meatier material.”

ACTIVE HOPE

Posted on August 30, 2017 by hafong

So here I am, in my new/old .com space. I have more space but what do I have to say? The sky is overcast. The air smell of smoke. We are burning up on our West Coast while they are drowning in Texas. Then there’s the monsoon in India, killing over 1,000 people. But we don’t get much coverage of that. It’s still on the other side of the world. Texas isn’t within our vision range either but it’s in our livingroom every evening. So many terrible things are in our livingroom these evenings. If we don’t watch the news, does not knowing/seeing change anything?

The winds are blowing, bringing more smoke from the forest fires. Our planet and we are between a rock and hard place, I would say. What can we do? What can I do besides hope? Hope is an inert noun. We can hope, want and yearn all we want, but without action it is nothing. It’s just like the song says:

Wishin’ and hopin’ and thinkin’ and prayin’
Plannin’ and dreamin’ each night of his charms
That won’t get you into his arms
So if you’re lookin’ to find love you can share
All you gotta do is hold him and kiss him and love him
And show him that you care

So then, how do we show that we care about this world of ours? Where can we start? Try reading Active Hope by Joanna Macy and Chris Johnson. I have the book. Now I need to READ it. Really I do. The need comes up more frequently now. Reminding me to read, to do. At least I recognize it. I see the picture. I see the need. I’m talking about it. And we are bringing some hope for a greener life in the rainwater we catch for the garden, in the growing of our vegetables in the summer and in the solar power we’re catching with the panels. Not a lot in the grand scheme of things. But it is a start. Where are you at? How are you coping?

PUSHING FOR UPGRADE

Posted on August 29, 2017 by hafong

We are such creatures of habit. Any little change takes so much effort. At least it is so for me. I don’t agonize but I do fret and hesitate too much over small things. I’m happy to report my hesitation period is shorter and shorter. My finger pushed the UPGRADE bottom on my tapping space and I’ve come into my own. I am now standing tall – onethousandandtwo.com without leaning on .wordpress. However, you can still access my space that way.

Why upgrade? I ran out of media space. I’ve done well on the free plan since 2012. I started with one photo per blog. Then the photos multiplied. I’m a woman who sees life in snapshots and words. They give me much pleasure. The media content grew and grew. I’ve ran out of free space. So here I am today – happy as a clam for pushing that button. Well, not quite that happy after learning I have added space but limited. The before free space counted as a part of upgrade. The space does not renew every year though payment does. There is always a catch, isn’t there? However, there is interactive online help. I will make use of that to learn. Already I’m learning to deal with disappointment and to ask before and not after the fact. But from the tech help, I also learn about Dropbox , It probably costs. There are no free rides. Time for a coffee before I can go on.

I’m back from my coffee break and having a peak at dropbox. I will be patient and take my time. I have trouble with focusing. No need for added stress. I will practice being more judicious with media content here. It’s another learning opportunity. I’m still happy that I’ve pushed UPGRADE. No buyer’s regret.

FOUL WEATHER STRATEGIES

Posted on August 27, 2017 by hafong

Sunday morning. The first time in a long while the sun came out at 6:30. It makes such a difference to my well being. But as we all know, not all days are sunny. I have to/want live well in all weather. I have to be like the postman – deliver no matter sun or cloud/rain. Nowadays they have little cars to drive around their areas with shorter distances to walk. I will have to be innovative on my foul weather days.

I can get a start on difficult things in the mornings. I have more energy then. I had designated Saturday as my HOUSE DAY – to clean and organize. I was good on my word. I tackled the most necessary, the fridge. The reality is that everything always takes longer than you think. I knew that ahead of time. I was not surprised that it took all morning to clean and organize just the freezer compartment. I was surprised that it held so much. There were freezer-bitten chicken breast and a buffalo burger, numerous bags of sunberries, dried grapes and other fruits and veggies. I paid the price for mindlessly throwing stuff in for a year. The rest of the fridge had to wait until after lunch. It’s looking good now. I wonder how long the result will last.

Here’s what I know for sure. Things take longer than I anticipate. I don’t like housework. I’m not good at it. I’m slow, a tortoise. I lack energy and concentration. I have too many foul weather days. What to do?

I’m taking a big breath, slowing my thoughts, learning to be patient. Though the sun is shining, I’m feeling yucky, my stomach upset, cramping and twisting. I’m feeling it all the way up to my head. I’m having a lot of sympathies for people with chronic colitis problems. How do they manage? Lesson number 1 for me – don’t eat fruit with my breakfast. Have it later in the morning. Simple. Let’s see how that works. Pay attention to what happens.

The thing for me to do, since I’m slow anyways, is to be like the tortoise – slow AND steady at it. I have to tend regularly, not once a year. That’s it for today. I’ve used up my attention span. Feeling a bit frazzled. I’m getting better though. I’m focusing to edit my words so they make sense. My head spins faster than I can type. I.am.thinking.and typing.in.sync.more.

DIGRESSING, WHAT IS KNOWN AS PROCRASTINATION

Posted on August 25, 2017 by hafong

I’m not very good at prioritizing and making lists. I try to do it all in my head. It doesn’t really work all that well any more. My attention span and memory were nothing to brag about. Now, they’re even worse. It is almost 5 pm and I’m breathless thinking about stuff to do. The list is a mess, a jumble in my head. Oh, corrections! I do get the bills paid on time. It’s the housework that causes me grief. I do go on about it, don’t I? I think it’s because I’m no good at it and I avoid it. I should sing a different tune. I’m even annoying myself.

I have a plan as I sit here tap, tapping away. I am going to dedicate Saturday as HOUSE DAY. It was on Saturdays that I had to do the dusting when I was a kid. We lived in a little rented house back of the cafe with an outdoor toilet. We had a potbelly wood/coal stove. The linoleum was peeling and we had no running water. The water man came with his truck every week and filled our water tank. Life was different. I didn’t know what to think. I was eight years old and had just immigrated to Canada from Hong Kong.

I do digress but sometimes it’s good to look back to see how far we’ve travelled. I’m looking way, way back. I’m probably practicing procrastination and avoidance. Oh, I’ll just indulge today. Tomorrow is Saturday and I’ll do my housework. I’m good on my word once I’ve said it.

You know what? I had not one word of English when I started Grade 1 in Canada. I remember my teacher’s name was Miss Woodall. She had long reddish hair and wore sweater sets with pleated skirts, the style of the day. She was very kind but kept me in at recess. That was so that I could work on my English. I remember having a hard time pronoucing ‘roof ‘. The word stuck to the roof of my mouth. I couldn’t quite get it out.

Enough digressing! Time’s flying and the dog needs walking yet, plus a myriad of other things. You know what I mean. I’m not very smooth or coherent with my words today. My mind is like a dryer drum spinning and spinning.

CLEARING

Posted on August 24, 2017 by hafong

It’s another log- rolling out of bed, achy and crusty-eyed morning. Almost 7 and it is dark. The sun has not risen. Still, I am a happy camper. I’m minus that yucky, sense of dread in the body feeling. Have you ever had it? Sometimes I wake with it for whatever reason. I do not chase it. I let it be. It is a feeling to be felt like any other. That is it.

Though achy, stiff and plodding, I am full of joie de vivre inside. I am excited by too many ideas. My mind is splintered in all directions. I had to stop its thoughts and take some slow deep breaths. Waiting for kettle to boil, I stand erect, aligning all my chakras one on top of another. I close my eyes, my mind is cleared. I see the white light going through the center of my head all the way down to my toes. I’ve cleared the clutter. I’ve emptied my mind. My pathways are swept clean. The day begins.

The sun has come out. It is another beautiful August morning. A little cool and windy, but perfect nevertheless. There’s soup to be made, garden to tend, harvest to reap, art to be made….What is on for your day?

GETTING MY SHIT TOGETHER

Posted on August 23, 2017 by hafong

I surely struggle with consistency and energy. I suppose you do, too. It’s always good to have company. It’s my words I’m struggling with now. But I’ve come to my space. The keyboard is on my lap, my cup of tea nearby. Across the back alley, the roofers are tap, tap,tapping with their hammers. They sound like woodpeckers. A crow caws nearby.

It’s a perfect August day. The sun shining. The petunias and nasturiums nodding their heads in the breeze. I shall just sit here and not worry so much about accomplishing and doing. It is trying that I can’t quite get my shit together. But really, what does that mean anyways? Oh brother, Sheba is next to me. She’s just let go some of her metal-melting farts. Phew!

I’m feeling like hell in the mornings, waking with aching in every possible joint – down to the toes. I just know that autumn is in the air even if I didn’t know what month it is. Changes are coming. Changes are here. Some of it’s scary. A lot of it is frightening – neo-Nazis, White Supremacists, Donald Trump, neighbours… The list is long. It’s good to ventilate, even if it is just listing. At least I’ve identified some of the things nagging at me. I’m not just whistling in the dark.

I have pushed my way through the wet paper bag. I’ve broken free. Despite my fatigue, I’ve trimmed off the dead raspberry canes, gathered up some other garden wastes and deposited them all in the Green Bin. The City truck has kindly come by. I’ve dumped a bag of peat moss in the front flower bed. I hope that will give the petunias there a much needed boost.

The hammering is getting more insistent – and annoying. It’s not conducive to my tapping any more. It’s giving me a headache. It’s a sign to close shop. I think I work best in short spurts. I just need to have more spurts in a day.

IN MY LIFE

Posted on August 21, 2017 by hafong

I’m in my apres- lunch malaise. It is after 3 pm. No time to tarry as they say. I’m in this space, tapping the keyboard, talking with my fingers, singing my songs. I hear Killing Me Softly with His Song in my head. I’ll try not to use killing words. I’m not about pain and despair. I hate suffering. I rather walk on the sunny side of the street. And you know what? I missed the solar eclipse today. I was in total sunshine. There was not not even a hint of a shadow. That’s new for me. Sometimes all I feel are clouds.

I’m trying to know myself in my life – to detach myself and really observe my place in the world and in my life. It is difficult to take out the personal feelings, all the me, myself and I, and look at myself as somebody else. Who am I? How am I? What are my values? How do I behave. How do I treat other people? Am I as honourable, fair, loving as I thought of myself? It’s a hard exercise to do. I think it’s well worth the effort. It would test my true grit.

Byron Katie’s The Work has been a great resource for me. I ask myself these four questions about any given situation:

Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without the thought?

Learning to be has been a very slow process. Life surely is a journey and not a destination. When you get there, you find that there is no there. What I can say is that I am becoming a more content person with less anger, turmoil and depression. I hesitate to use the word happy because what is happy? What I know for sure is I love learning and changing. I love pursuing excellence.

CRAVINGS, SPACES, LOVES

Posted on August 19, 2017 by hafong

It’s Saturday morning. Cloudy and breezy upon wakening. I had toast with cherry jam. Thought I would treat myself royally today. Sheba is not the only queen in the house. I can sit here forever with my tea, my book and my thoughts. Sometimes it’s not so good to stay in my head long. It is full of paranoia and false stories. The sun is out. I must not tarry. I shall gather the forementioned queen. we can saunter down to our community garden and see how it is doing. Perhaps I can gather some greens for lunch. Be back in awhile.

I’m back. It’s more than awhile. It’s noon. I’ll try not to think of time slipping away but time well spent and enjoyed. It was. I killed several birds with one stone. Sheba and I had a mindful walk to the community garden. We took time to smell the flowers and chew some grass. It was quite wonderful that our footsteps and heartbeats were synchronized. We walked as one together and in rhythm. We got exercised. Home now with our harvest. Happy and pooped. For Sheba, it’s literal. I can sit now with my coffee and keyboard for awhile. Then lunch. What more could I ask for?

I know. There’s a whole world out there. There’s Folk Fest. There’s this. There’s that. I almost could feel the urge to do, to join, to be part of everything. When I had, I didn’t feel any more of. part. belonging. happier. satisfied. When I had been in the midst of it all, I was still searching. Where is it? What is it? Is this it? That’s all? Now, I tried to accept that I will get this feeling of need or craving for ‘the more, the thing that will make me happy ever after’. There’s no such thing. There’s no such place.

There is no point in trying to fill that longing space within or searching for happiness. I know it’s our human nature, this yearning for more. Instead, I will try to fill my stomach and appetite. I will get to know myself better in my life, my likes, dislikes, values, what works, what doesn’t. I will make it my adventure. It’s a continual journey. It requires me getting up, dressing up and showing up. I do every day. I love that slogan/ act. I love tap, tap, tapping on the keyboard, I love making index card art, I love, I love… What do you love?

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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