Monthly Archives: September 2024

God Does Blink

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I’ve been a fan of Regina Brett for a long time now. I love her 50 Lessons from God Never Blinks. I love all the 50 lessons even though I do think God does blink. He, along with the rest of us, are human after all. That’s what I believe. We can’t be awake, alert and vigilant, unblinking 24/7. We all need some shut eye, even God. Here’s my take on some of the 50 lessons.

I do believe that life isn’t fair, but it is still good.

When I am in doubt, I move a little slower. Life is too short but I am human enough to hate someone sometimes. I try to cut it short though.

It’s hard not to take myself seriously. I am a serious person. I do know that my voice does not carry much weight with others. So I do need to take myself seriously.

I am very good at paying off my credit card every month. I do forget some months. That’s the human in me.

I don’t argue very much since my voice lacks weight. I just try to listen and not say much.

I seldom cry alone, never mind cry with someone. That’ll be another lesson for me to learn.

Yes, I get angry. I’m sure I’ve been angry with God. He’s not exempt from my wrath. Anger is very cathartic for me. It releases pent up anxiety and other bad energy. It helps me to rant about the worse case scenerio. And that could be: The sky is falling smothering us all. Or the earth can open up and swallow us up. In both cases, life ceases, pain ceases. End of problems. When I see that, somehow I feel calmer and can see clearer. I think, so what’s the problem here? God never promised us a rose garden or life forever.

Well, that’s enough ranting for one day. Maybe to be continued tomorrow.

I’ve Come Undone

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I never did get all my tomatoes or beans picked yesterday but most of them are down. To tell the truth, I’m a little sick of harvesting and processing and preserving. I know for sure I will be glad in winter that I’ve done the work. And I will be happily start the process of starting everything by February. I will hang in, breathe and take little steps here and there.

I must admit defeat where my kitchen sink is concern. After dumping this and that potion down its mouth, pouring hot boiling water and running the tap for eons, the water is not rushing pell mell down the drain. But I was drained, coming undone at the seams. Tomorrow morning I will call the plumber to come in the afternoon. My energy is better spent elsewhere. Better save my water and electric bill to pay the plumber.

Though defeated, not all was lost. I saw the folly of my efforts. I also saw the clutter and mess of my physical surroundings. It made my head ache and my vision blur. I think it’s what you would call brain fog. While the tap was running at a small trickle and the kettles were boiling, I washed the floors slowly and painfully. I sorted a few things to keep and others to throw out. So that’s where I am at today.

Interestingly I am reading Wally Lamb’s She’s Come Undone. Seems like such a good title for my post. It’s been on my Libby App for quite a few days. I’ve just opened it with only 8 days left to read it. It’s very good. I’ve read 8% this morning. If I read 15%, I can get it done. Here’s hoping. Meanwhile on with the day. To the tomatoes and beans next.

One/Some Day Soon

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It’s another day. Not too many dollars but the sun is out this morning. But then it is almost 9 am. So, no hurrahs. I’m sounding grouchy. I should be more grateful. It is almost October and no hints of imminent frost. I still have tomatoes, zucchinis and pumpkins on the vine. The purple beans are still producing, though not madly now. My raised bed of peppers are heavily laden with peppers. I have new lettuce and Swiss Chard and possibly more cabbage.

I am full of gratitude for my garden bounty. Still, I’m irked. My kitchen sink is not draining well. My upstairs landline for the phone is not working. Seems like a long hike to the basement phone when it rings. And it is in the laundry room. The technician is coming Monday. Maybe it is time to rid of it if the problem has to do with the wiring of the house and not the Sasktel line. But it is hard to let go of an old established security blanket/line.

Maybe I should call a plumber one/some day soon. But not yet. It is still draining. I’ve poured vinegar and kettles full of hot boiling water. I shall have my cup of tea, mutter and procrastinate. I just know that I will have to make that call. But not yet. In the meantime I’ve poured down more vinegar. Let it sit. Wouldn’t it be a delightful surprise if it does the trick?

I’m trying to curb my procrastation ways and stop saying phrases like One/Some day I will…. Those days never come. So while the sun is shining I am going to tackle putting my garden spaces to rest. Today all the tomatoes will be harvested. And the beans as well. I’ve had enough beans. They’re coming down. I see that there’s a -1 forecast for Friday. If time permits, I will harvest the carrots in the community garden today or tomorrow. I’m looking after life’s little and big jobs now. I’m not waiting for spring. Another motto is live by – don’t wait for spring.

Hurray, I’ve written a post in the morning. Consistent practice makes for better. I’m warming up for the October Ultimate Blog Challenge.

The Things I Can’t Change

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I’m still mumbling and stumbling but unfortunately not towards ecstasy. My mind has been like scrambled eggs, unable to be calm. Therefore, I am often lost or at a lost. I thought I would take the day off, lounge, do nothing and rest. It seem like a hard thing to do now. I wake up, get up, dress up and show up and there’s things to do.

I like to step out of the door to get my natural dose of Vitamin D. Pretty soon I find a pail in my hand and a pair of clippers in my other hand. Then I clip a tomato here and there, pick those evergrowing purple pole beans. I wander into the front yard and clip those bush tomatoes in the raised bed. Next I’m pulling some red onions in the next bed. One thing leads to another. It always happen.

I’m not complaining. It’s good to be out in the morning light. It’s good to be moving. But it would be good, too, if I can be still and rest. I have lost the knack of just being. I’m in constant thought, thinking, worrying, fretting, moving. There are many things that I can’t change but somehow I still feel responsible. I still fret, mumble and stumble through my day, wondering what can I do.

So I came here, to put my frantic and nervous thoughts onto the page. Perhaps that will take wind out of them. A therapist once told me that I am not all that powerful. I am not God. I am not responsible for everything and everyone. So I am remembering that now and thinking about the many things I have no power over.

I cannot change my nature. I am a fretter and worrier. Perhaps accepting that part of myself will help me find healthier ways of behaviour. I cannot change how another sees and treats me. It is not my problem and it does not define me. I cannot stop time. I cannot change the weather. I can learn to prepare to work around for the things I cannot change. I guess I am not that powerless, after all. I do have power over how I think. And that is good enough.

Just Show up

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Whenever I have a poor night’s sleep for whatever reason, I feel mournful, as if someone had died. I mope around in slow motion, dragging my feet. I suppose my body is mourning its loss of rest. I’m not at all joyful, though not sad either. However I feel, I get up, dress up and show up. That has been my motto for many years. I adopted it from Regina Brett’s God Never Blinks, 50 Life Lessons for Life’s Little Detours. It’s lesson #46. It works for me.

I was wondering how I was going to navigate the day. The day took care of itself once I got up, dressed up, washed my face and brushed my teeth. I like to start my day with a cuppa of Orange Pekoe tea, play Wordle and Spelling Bee. Then there is breakfast, the dishes, followed by roasting golden beets and sweet peppers. The tomatoes were calling to be sauced. That generated more things to wash. But the beets and peppers were so delicious to add to yesterday’s leftover quesadilla from McNally Robinson. It made for a very yummy lunch.

Now the tomatoes are sauced. I wondered how the heck I was going to write this post. Then I remembered today’s email from CBC Literary Prizes. Today’s advice on how to get your writing done was to show up. So here I am. It works! If I want to succeed, I have to show up and tap. At least my fingers are happy today, dancing across the keyboard. Not too much stuttering or stumbling. I am tired but a happy camper. I shall call this a day.

On Why I Write

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I’ve written a few times on why I write. It’s a topic well worth writing again. I do tend to dwell on things. Though it is a source of pleasure, sometimes it is a struggle as I am presently finding. It is all very well to say that I am going to write every day. It is a hard task to carry out. Life always happen and interferes daily. But I am finally here today.

I was inspire to write on this topic by George Orwell’s essay on “Why I Write.” Like him, I think it is in my nature. I was also lonely as a child, spending much time reading. I had an idea when I was in grade 9, that I want to write a book. I still have that desire but books are not my nature. Rather, I just like to mutter and utter solliloquies. I like how words sound and how they are put together. It’s a pleasure for me. I don’t aspire to be a Shakespeare.

I have no egoism like Orwell but I do like to be clever in putting words together. I have no desire to be published or famous. I am tickled if I get a reader or two. I do like to share my experiences. Maybe that’s a form of egoism, thinking others would be interested. But mostly I write to please myself. It’s a way of easing physical and mental discomfort. The rhythmic tapping of the keys soothes and smooths me.

Sometimes I do like the struggle of putting thoughts into words and sentences. It helps to organize my brain. It’s a bit like opening a box I got from Amazon. I would look at the gadget I had ordered and wonder why the hell I did that. I want to close the box, feeling overwhelmed by the complexity of putting the gizmo together. I would calm down after awhile and start the arduous task of reading directions and putting it together. Now we have the Instant Air Fryer Vortex together to make supper with. We can can air fry, roast, broil, bake, reheat, dehydrate, and rotisserie. I hope it lives up to the rave review.

To tell the truth, it was the guy who read the instructions and assembled it. He is also going to cook supper. But I am a good dishwasher. Doing the dishes can also be like writing. On an iffy day, I get overwhelmed by the pile of dishes, pots and pans, not knowing where to start. After a mental struggle, I just start – anywhere.

Changing of the Season

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I hate starting anything except the beginning of the day. That, I look forward to especially now we are in the dark. I miss the brightness of the sun and the heat of the summer. I miss waking up to daylight at 5 am and a promise of a sunny day. I miss the physical labour in the yard and garden. I miss the fatigue at the end of the day when I can drop off to sleep when I hit the bed.

I remind myself that I am adjusting to the changing of the season, to the waning of sunbeams. I am responding by increasing my vitamin D dosage. I am still taking my daily morning tour in the yard/garden and greenhouse even if it is raining. Even on this grey and drizzling morning, there’s still a lot of light and colour to cheer me. I am not afraid of getting wet.

Now it is late afternoon. The sun came out. The muffins I intended to bake yesterday are baked today. All is well.

Rainy Day Blues

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I took the weekend off from my daily writes and look at what happened. Two days turned into 4 days. Now I’m having a time getting back into words. Forget about intentions. They don’t seem to work. So many of my intentions are laying by the wayside. My intentions of making muffins today never came to be. That should teach me not to waste time on talking about and setting intentions. Let me move on.

Moving on is easier said than done. I am weighed down by the gloom of the day. I want to sit, close my eyes and drift on nothingness. You can’t really blame me. It’s hard to be positive and energized without the sun. Our present day world doesn’t make it easy either. What kind of world are we in where a man drugs his wife and recruits men to rape her for 10 years? What horrible thing will be in the news tonight?

My weakness is that I am so permeable to all the vibes around me. It’s not good but what can I do if it is my makeup? So what I do is I come here and mumble and lament, voicing my grievances and discomfort. It’s good to have an outlet. It’s much better than letting them swirl within me.

Gratitude

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We live in such a catastrophic world today where a 14 year old can shoot up a school in Georgia and another 14 year old can set a fellow student on fire. In light of that my own difficulties are just minor skirmishes. In thinking and writing about catastrophes these last few days, I’ve realized that I’ve been blessed.

I have no real catastrophes and nothing to complain about. I’m in good health, have a roof over my head, food in my pantry, clothes on my back and in the closet and a comfortable bank account. I have a multitude of interests and hobbies. I’m still keen on learning. I’m looking forward to the start of my online class on Curing the World’s Diseases next week. At the moment I am enjoying the Healing Kitchen series from Sacred Science. So many things to learn about food and healing.

It has been a dreary drizzling day but the sun just came out and lit my world. I hope it stays longer than a few minutes. But it is enough to lift the gloom from my mood. On with the rest of my afternoon.

Full Catastrophe Living

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I’m scratching my head to remember another catastrophe to write about. Life has been fairly calm the last few years. I’m hard pressed to come up with another episode. The distance of old memory takes the bite out the catastrophes of younger years. For instance, the fact that my father tossed my 2 year old butt out on the doorstep in a fit of bad mood does not bring tears to my eyes. I do not have any recollection of it except the ‘aunties’ often loved to tell that story. They also loved telling me that I inherited his temper. Because of that and my scarred arm, I would have trouble finding a husband.

The husband part is true but I’m not sure about the reasons. Those repeated stories could have traumatized me. Who knows, eh? Maybe I have been damaged. But I’m not going that route. I don’t like the blame game. I have felt the blame for everything and everybody for many years. I don’t wish that on anyone. I’ve felt responsibility for everything that’s gone wrong. Really, I’ve realized that I’m not that powerful. Slowly I’ve let that go. Life is full of good, bad, joy, sorrow, successes, tragedies and catastrophes. It’s not all on me. That’s how a full life is. I’ve learned to embrace it all.