Monthly Archives: April 2018

STICKING MY HEAD IN THE TOILET

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It’s 10:30 in the morning. Already my mind is frazzled, splintered into little pieces here and there. My thoughts are darting everywhere, trying to synchronize my day, my life. Many what ifs are popping into my awareness. I recogize that I’m catastrophizing. I’m tapping to put a stop to the flow.concentrating.on.one.word.at.a.time. I’m not giving it space to grow.

The sun is casting its cool weak beams over the dreariness of our landscape. A scatter of fine snow made a brief appearance. It is a late spring. I’m slowly tending to my seedlings. The rest of the kohlrabi are transplanted. I’m starting on the broccoli. The tomatoes, peppers, cukes, squash and the petunias are growing like weeds. They don’t make too much demands – just a little water and maybe a touch of 20-20-20 fertilizer now and then. As to what kind of spring and summer we will have, it is out of my control. I will adjust as best as I can. There is no point in hoping. Hoping without doing is useless.

My mind is less chaotic, slowing down with each tap and a sip of tea in between. I breathe, sip, and tap. I will stop my flow of thoughts now and listen to a bit of Caroline Myss. I’ll let her whip me into shape. She’ll tell me to stop and put my head in the toilet for 7 minutes. That’ll cool it off.

Hooray, I’m back, calmer and cooler! I’ve had lunch, too. That helps alot, especially since it’s leftover turkey. Turkey is supposed to contains lots of tryptophan which in turn boosts your serotonin level to make you happy. I hear that it’s a myth, but I still like to believe it. I have my present mood as a proof. Doing things one at a time also slows my frenetic brain. I’m learning to respect my body and mind. I can’t take on many tasks, issues, activities, people. The list goes on and on. I’m made to live a small life, a life on an index card,  in a one-inch frame, a life in the present moment. I am happy with that. It fills my plate.

STOP! LET ME THINK

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I am not making any better time today but at least I am not making more clutter. I dealt swiftly with the incoming mail. I just have to repeat it every day. So many things are calling my name. Some things will have to wait. I will make a list of things to tend to for tomorrow. I will use my small index cards. Got the idea from Kinsey Millhone, the private detective character from Sue Grafton’s alphabet series. She jots important notes on index cards and files them after. Mine can go into the recycling bin after.

My flow of words seemed to have dried up! Maybe I need my glass of wine now. Goes to show how exciting my life is. I started back with my aerobic classes after a few absent sessions due to physical ailments and the Easter weekend. It feels like it’s been a long while. I’m feeling out of shape already and my enthusiasm waning. There is danger of dropping out hanging in air. This spring has been hard. I said that about winter, too, didn’t I?

I’ve been using the word too much lately. I can hear my mother admonishing me in my head. She’s a great storyteller. She used to talk to me about our family and ancestors. She admires my grandfather’s brother and recounts numerous things that he has told her. One of which is never think of anything as being hard. Make a start and things will follow to resolution. In a difficult situation he would say, Stop! Let me think. They’re very good stategies. A pause is often fruitful whereas rash reactions could lead to more problems.

I’m working on my glass of wine now. Feeling mellow. Enjoying the pause. Tomorrow is another day.

ENOUGH CRAP SAID

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When I show up late, it is difficult to find those first words. I flounder around, trying this and that. My mind is full of cobwebs. This afternoon I finally made a start clearing this very desk I’m sitting on. It was full of paper crap and dust. I was on hold to Sasktel and looking at it all. How long am I going to take before I attend to it? I started wiping a bit here and there. Got one area dusted before the Sasktel person got back to me. Another billing hitch worked out again.

It all goes to remind me how much of our lives are caught up in paper, whether it’s on hard copy or virtual. I have trouble dealing with either form. The truth is I don’t deal with it at all till absolutely necessary. It is THE reason why everything is so hard. I really want somebody else to take care of – EVERYTHING for me. Of course, that never happens nor is it possible. Everyone is responsible for their own shit and should take care of it themselves. Of course, we know that is not always the case. I decided I might as well get my head out of the sand and deal with the truth.

The truth is my shit includes some of others’. Acknowledging and accepting that will lift the emotional part of the burden. I have to look at it in an impersonal and impassionate way. I see it. That’s half the battle. Life is short and shorter when you’re in the retirement age bracket. I do not want to tap forever about my dust, paper crap and other angst. My plan for this month is to clear all the crap. It needs a deadline.

I’m not thinking too clearly now that I’ve had my glass of wine. But here’s the plan. Whatever I come across that doesn’t have a use and can’t be recycled will be tossed into the garbage. I have already tossed numerous post-it-note, memo and other pads into the recycle bin. How many pads or scrap paper do I need? How many lists do I make – none. There are several heavy outdated textbooks in the bin also. School is over. So is work. I’ve shredded a bundle of old bills and receipts. I have to let go of hanging onto every scrap of paper as security or proof of my worth. I have to hang on to my life instead.

Enough crap said. I’ve laid bare my soul. Tormorrow is another day.

 

MOVES AND GROOVES

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Why are the things we need to do the most prove to be the most difficult? Is it mental or physical? Most likely it’s a combination of both. Nothing is clear cut however much we long for simplicity. My body was clearly crying out for relief this morning. My neck and other body parts were stiff and sore from sleeping crooked. My mind must have been, too. It wasn’t commanding enough to make the body get down on the floor for my stretching routine.

Instead, I did the qigong routine from the DVD QIQONG for beginners by Francesco Garripoli and Daisy Lee. I have done it often enough that I know the 18 exercises without the dvd. It’s a good standby when mind and body are tired and out of sync. The moves are stronger than their gentleness imply. Their glue is long lasting. After all this time, I still have the moves. I will let them ease the aches and pains. Let them coax me into some productivity today. When I can’t get down, I do standing up. There’s always an alternative. When you can’t do more, do a little less. Less is always more than none.

I haven’t been looking forward to walks with Sheba these days. We went anyways. It was sunny but chilly. The streets and alleys are still a nightmare. They’re icy and slippery with puddles of water in between. In the back alleys, it is like walking on glass shards in places. I was happy to have my walking stick with me. I’m delighted to be back sipping my cuppa tea and eating one of my sister’s Easter buns. I feel like another but I must restrain myself. Let the first one digest and fill my tummy. I have to learn how to make them myself now that I’ve mastered breadmaking. Expand my horizon, why don’t I?

I must finish my tea, fold some laundry and put them away. I’m catching on to the fad of dealing with things and not letting them pile up. It’s working quite well. After Easter supper with the family last night, we cleaned and put everything away. The table cloths got whipped off and laundered with the dishcloths. The table leaves taken out and put away along with the extra chairs. It’s best not to think too much and just do.

I’m tickled that I got enough muster to start my tapping. It’s the second day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It was too much of a challenge yesterday to write. I was caught up in cooking the Easter turkey according to Chef John. I thought I should concentrate on making it a success seeing as 7 other people were coming for supper. I must confess that it turned out quite well. It helped that it was a Butterball turkey. Did you know that a Butterball turkey does not contain butter inside? It’s just a brand name. Perhaps it’s best not to google for too much information. Somewhere in my google, I came across info maybe their turkey is not ethically raised. So I must stop here and go fold the laundry.