FOREVER IN GLOOM – AugustMoon Day 3

Posted on August 17, 2015 by hafong

AugustMoon – Day 3 photo prompt

I have been telling myself forever and a day now that I have SAD (seasonal affective disorder. It has been so long that I believe it. How can I not? It’s just lately I’m questioning the validity of it all. Is it true? Maybe it was a gloomy day, or perhaps it just felt that way because I did. Even so, does that mean I have a disorder?

You know how the song goes – Into each life some rain must fall
But too much is falling in mine
Into each heart some tears must fall
But some day the sun will shine.

And that, my dear, is how life is – light and shadow, the yin and the yang, what goes up must come down….It does not mean I have SAD, even though I am sad some gloomy and rainy days. On other such days, I’m restful, creative – baking, cleaning, sewing, reading, writing up a storm. We all have our moments. It’s how we are wired. Let me not label myself in disorders. Let me accept and revel in the kaleidscope of my emotions.

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY FEARS – August Moon, Day 2

Posted on August 16, 2015 by hafong

AugustMoon Day 2 photo prompt

Let me tell you what I am afraid of – everything and nothing. How can that be? How can I explain?

Going out with Sheba for our morning walk, I worried that I might be cold. I put on warmer clothes. On second thought, I worried about being overdressed. I pared down. How cold can it be when the tomatoes are still ripening on the vine? Heading out the door, I worried about sunglasses. The sun might come out after all.

Life has been thus for me lately. I feel much like the photo prompt – hung up by the horns, steeped in fear, going nowhere. I am grateful to Alana Wolf for providing this space for reflection on this. Perhaps, solutions will arise from putting fears into words.

The walk was uneventful. I was dressed just right. I was not cold nor hot. The sun did come out. I did fine without sunglasses. The leaves and grass were that much greener after yesterday’s rain and without any tinted filter. The flowers were brilliant in their colours. The sun was glorious and life giving.

I wonder about my fears of nothing and everything. What I am most afraid of is the taste of fear. Have you ever had the occasion – of falling through space, your heart dropping down the elevator shute, goose bumps on your skin, your mouth dry as sand……

Thinking on these, I’ve never had a hard landing. My heart is always where it is. Goose bumps go away. I can always put on a sweater and have a glass of water or cup of tea. Perhaps I dwell on and fight the fear of fear too much. I’m very much like a dog with a bone about everything – getting to the bottom of things and fix them. Once and for all!

I see that it might be helpful if I can relax a little. Let Sheba have the bone. She is the dog after all. There’s other pleasures for me – a cup of tea, a square or two of dark chocolate, a good book of fiction, a leisurely swim, a hug or two or three……

IN DARKNESS

Posted on August 15, 2015 by hafong

#AugustMoon Day 1 prompt

It is true we all begin our journey in the darkness, in the womb of our mothers. We leave its safety and burst forth into the light and the world with a grand wailing. I am feeling it is how we enter each new venture. It is with trepidation and delight – like a child screaming going down a water slide. Oh the fear and exhilaration! Let me not lose either.

I feel the safety wrapped in the arms of darkness, feeling the closeness of my neighbours’ prescence around the campfire. The stars come one by one. The flames crackle and leap. The wine is poured. The conversations begin. Slowly the barriers recede. We recognize each other. I look up into the night sky. It is alive with stars winking and twinkling down upon us.

SIT AND STAY IN THE MOMENT

Posted on August 12, 2015 by hafong

In our present mindset, there will never be enough time or the right moment for the right thing. We are forever pulled away from ourselves. There is always something else, somewhere else and something else. Here and now are never good enough. We yearn for better and other times. At least, that is how I ~~was~~ am. I am trying for better. Well, here I go again – for better instead of accepting what is.

What is, is that moments are fleeting. They are like dreams, evaporating with wakefulness and like dewdrops in morning sunlight. There will always be things to do – dishes to wash and put away, floors to sweep and wash, things to pick up, the Internet to surf, those addicting games to play…..

Be careful of seducers, vying for your attention. Can you be still and quiet long enough to hear what pulls your heart? The morning sun will come through these trees just so in this moment. It will make the tabletop shine like golden custard in this moment. Shadows will fall in the next.

I am sitting here in nature’s backdrop. Bees and flies are buzzing around. Sheba is ever watchful, trying to catch them with a snap of her jaws. The sun is before and behind me. I feel the soft movement of air on my neck. A spruce branch stir in the breeze. I have nothing to do and nowhere to go. For this moment I sit and stay.

GROUNDING

Posted on August 9, 2015 by hafong

Sometimes you have to get lost to find yourself. That is so with me. Before that, I never knew how cocooned and protected – how lucky I was. I was in a fool’s paradise. You can just imagine my distress when I lost myself – adrift in the universe.

I’ve been lost all my life without my knowing it. I’ve been navigating at life’s wheel without a map, compass or a GPS. I thought I could just guess, estimate and give it stab and get there. Well, guess what? Big surprise – I CAN’T.

At least I know THAT much now – a step in the right direction as they say. I’m awake and aware, my feet planted solidly on the ground like my sunflowers. I’m standing tall and erect. I know where the sun rises. Look east, young woman, look east. See which way those yellow heads are facing. Take heed. Now that you know, do not keep on trucking down the same wrong road. Try a different path. Remember to do that for the rest of your life. It’s a hard task, I know. But it’s worth your effort.

LIGHT AND SHADOWS

Posted on August 8, 2015 by hafong

Saturday, the sun comes and goes – light and shadows all day long. This is how life is. I elate with the sun. I shiver with the darkness. This is how I am. I write to dispel the darkness and usher in the light. We need the light to see our shadows. We need to acknowledge our dark side to know ourselves. Otherwise, we have no dimensions.

Saturday is a good day to bake bread – to see the dough rising, spilling over the edge not quite like the sunrise spilling its light over the earth. It delights me nonetheless. I love sinking my hands into the doughy mass, feeling its softness and springiness. This is how I would like to be – soft and resilient. Though I may stumble and fall in the dark, I can rise again to meet another day.

A SECOND CUP OF TEA

Posted on August 4, 2015 by hafong

When grey paints the sky and the dry winds blow, my energy and spirit sag. I’m like limp noodle, dragging and sighing through the day. I’m grateful to have friends like a second cup of tea and my Roomba to help me through those times. A second cup gives me a little extra time and space to breathe and find my start button. Some days are like that and I do the best I can. I know there is no hurry, no rush. Life starts right here in the moment. There is no other place to go to and nothing else to do.

The start button is pushed. I can hear the Roomba whirling around in the kitchen, picking up bread crumbs, dog hair and what-alls. Robots are wonderful. They never sag if you keep them charged. They are not perfect, however, and they can fail. Hopefully those are the times I am charged and can take over.

The skies are greyer and raindrops are falling. I hope it pours. The earth is thirsty. So am I. A third cup of tea is needed.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Monthly Archives: August 2015