Life is Difficult

Posted on August 8, 2024 by hafong

M. Scott Peck wasn’t kidding with his first line in The Road Less Travelled. Life is difficult. I have found that it’s never perfect and seldom smooth. Some days I’m falling asleep in early evening watching my favourite crime show. Other nights, like last night, I could not sleep past 2 am. Not too many days ago, we were sweltering in +30℃, sleeping with all the windows wide opened. Now all the windows are closed and I’m snuggling in my old pink fuzzy housecoat.

Talking about M. Scott Peck, he wasn’t so perfect either. Checking him out, I found that his first wife was Lily Ho Chinese. From an article in the Guardian “He spent much of his life immersed in cheap gin, chain-smoking cigarettes and inhaling cannabis, and being persistently unfaithful to his wife, who eventually divorced him. He also went through estrangement with two of his three children.” He sounds like a scoundrel. I wonder why he and his book were so successful. I have to read it again. It’s on my bookshelf.

I do wonder if I have been reading the wrong books, worshipping the wrong heroes and tripping down the wrong paths. How is one to know though? Having arrived here at this point in my life, I think it wiser to choose the easier and well trodden path first. It would be easier going and retreating. It would save time and energy to begin anew. It is hind sight and too late for me. It’s what I would advise if I was asked but who listens to advice. Not me.

So here I am, not exactly stuck and not doing terribly. I am just tapping and bitching. It helps me in the process of letting go. It’s never easy for me. I hang on and hang on. Thoughts and feelings swirling around like a snow globe. It is how I am. I can learn to a little better but it is my nature. It does me less harm if I tap it out rather than forcing myself into being perfect and never stray off the path.

When the Going Got Tough

Posted on August 5, 2024 by hafong

Just like that our heat is gone – for now. The nights are mornings are cool. This morning the sky is overcast. I feel autumn in the air. I also feel a dip in my mood and energy. It is not restful but such is life, the ups and downs. I’m on my third cup of tea/coffee. When feeling in doubt/restlessness, I drink. Good thing it is not alcohol or else I’ll be in trouble.

This July’s Ultimate Blog Challenge has been my worse showing. I’ve only shown up 13 days out of 31, a little more than a third. When the going got tough, I left. I don’t feel bad about it. I’m finally learning to ‘let go’ and not strive and strive like my old self. I would have liked to have done better but taking care of myself was more important. It was a conscious decision. But it is good to come back and do some kind of finishing and wrapping up.

Thanks to Paul for organizing the challenges and all of us who participates. I will in all likelihood join in the next one. It’s good practice for the brain and community.

Wordless Thursday – the Garden, Greenhouse & Beyond

Posted on July 25, 2024 by hafong

I was wordless and photo-less on Wednesday. I thought I would try for a few words with photos for today. It’s better late than never. Our heat wave continues but we did have a coolish day on Tuesday. It gave the house a chance to cool off. The smoke from forest fires are higher up so there’s not the smell. Still the morning was under a heavy gloom. It indeed felt like the end of the world.

The way it is, it could very well happen. So there’s nothing that I can do but live the best I can. That means still doing the things that give meaning to my life – gardening and doodling the best I can/know how.

The slow cool spring and summer heat are affecting how the garden at home and in the community garden as well as how things are in the greenhouse. It shows how vulnerable we and our food supply are. Nothing is for sure. If this isn’t our wakeup call, I don’t know what is. However, we are still ok. We are still getting a good enough though different crop. But what about next year?

I keep trudging along, one foot in front of the other. It’s a hard year but it’s teaching me stamina and staying positive. I’m learning to take better care of myself. I’m learning from Mary Sarton to rest and not do, do all the time. From May Sarton’s Journal of a Solitude:

[18th January 1971]

“A strange empty day. I did not feel well, lay around, looked at daffodils against the white walls, and twice thought I must be having hallucinations because of their extraordinary scent that goes from room to room. I always forget how important the empty days are, how important it may be sometimes not to expect to produce anything, even a few lines in a journal. I am still pursued by a neurosis about work inherited from my father. A day where one has not pushed oneself to the limit seems a damaged damaging day, a sinful day. Not so! The most valuable thing we can do for the psyche, occasionally, is to let it rest, wander, live in the changing light of a room, not try to be or do anything whatever. Tonight I do feel in a state of grace, limbered up, less strained. Before supper I was able to begin to sort out poems of the last two years … there is quite a bunch. For my sixtieth birthday I intend to publish sixty new poems and, as I see it now, it will be a book of chiefly love poems. Sixty at Sixty, I call it, for fun.”

My little index card art is my journal. These are part of the 61 days of Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge. When I tried too hard and follow the narrow road, I got stuck and couldn’t create. I was almost 20 days behind. So I gave up trying to follow themes and prompts and just doodled. I got these 5 card in the last 2 days. And they were fun to do. The lesson – relax and have fun.

PS. I’m not a political animal at all but the time seems ripe to pay more attention, learn and be more involved. Thus the 3 portraits.

The Heat Keeps On

Posted on July 22, 2024 by hafong

It’s July 22 and day 22 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. We are still sizzling in our heat wave. For the last couple of days, we are also enveloped in smoke from forest fires. The smoke have completely blocked out the sun but not the heat. My world has an eery feeling as if we’re on the very abyss of destruction.

It hasn’t been a good environment for me to thrive and be creative. My energy and desires have also sizzled and turned into ashes in this climate. I’ve been a no show here and in the Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day Challenge. I think sometimes it’s good not to fight so hard. It’s ok to let go a little and just be. Perhaps I’m justifying my brain’s laziness and my physical inertia. But it’s a healthy justification. We need rest for body and mind.

Now that I’ve found these few words here, I hope I can work through my malaise and make a little card also. There’s cooler weather on Friday to look forward to.

Wordless Wednesday – the garden

Posted on July 17, 2024 by hafong

It’s a hot one today and the rest of the week and beyond. It’s good to have a wordless day when I have been a no show and am struggling for words.

Summer Heat & Memories

Posted on July 12, 2024 by hafong

Another warm day but not the 34℃ of yesterday. 27℃ is plenty warm enough. The sun is somewhat hazy and there’s smoke in the air. I’m not feeling in a super mood. I’m trying to work through it. It’s a good thing that I have the Ultimate Blog Challenge to explore all this.

Have I ever mentioned that I have never loved summer? It goes way back to my childhood days growing up in Maidstone. We were one of maybe 3 Chinese families in town. We didn’t socialize much with the rest of the community being new immigrants. Our cafe was opened every day except Sunday, all year long. We never went anywhere except maybe North Battleford (an hour’s drive away) once in a blue moon for dentist, optometrist and maybe a little shopping.

Summer time the town seemed dead. The farmers were out farming. School was over. Seemed like everyone went to the lake or on holidays except us. I ordered books from the library which came on the Greyhound bus. I read alot of Laura Ingalls Wilder books, Trixie Beldon books, Hardy Boys books and alot of Superman comics and movie star magazines. I drew portraits of Elvis, Fabian and Ricky Nelson. I can’t remember what else I did during those long hot summers.

Another reason I did not care for summers was being hot, I couldn’t wear long sleeves or sweaters to hide the scar on my left arm. I got the scar when I was 2 years old. We were still in China then. I was scalded by a bowl of hot sweet syrup. It was winter and I had long sleeved top on. It was difficult to get it off. Doctors were not the common thing then. My burn would not heal for a long time. Someone advise taking me to a doctor. My arm healed, resulting in a large scar but I have full function. I didnot lose any range of motion but I did get teased.

I was very sensitive about it for a long time. I tried to imagine what it would feel like unscarred. I couldn’t since I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have the scar. I finally got over it when I became a nurse. All the uniforms were short sleeved. I was by then at the ripe age of 27/28. Took a long time to get over it. You can see dumb I was in this photo – how I turned my left arm in to hide the scar. I was not holding it naturally like my aunt behind me.

All these were long ago but feelings and memories linger still. They feel like part of my biology. But at least I understand the where, when and how. And I have this space to tap it onto the page. Then I don’t feel so bad.

Our House

Posted on July 11, 2024 by hafong

It is another hot, hot day. Not a good day for creative thoughts or writing. I’ve fallen behind in my painting for the Daisy Yellow Index Card a Day challenge. Cooler weather is coming tomorrow. Perhaps I can do some catching up then. Meanwhile, I’ve been enjoying an afternoon siesta. It’s a wise thing to do when it is 34°C outside.
But now it is time to wake up and write a post for day 11 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

My cousin from Boston had made a recent trip back to China. He sent a couple of photos of our house. My paternal grandfather had saved the money to have it built shortly before my father was born. So it is over 93 years old. It was a beautiful 2 story, 2 family home for my grandfather’s family and for his youngest brother’s family.

The main floor held 2 kitchens and living areas. The bedrooms on the 2nd floor. It has a flat roof with a cupola, for lack of a better word. I remember playing up there on the roof. It was where I had my first encounter with ‘ghosts’. I think I felt them rather than ‘saw’ them. My mother told me they were our ancestor and nothing to be afraid of.

When we left China, our family had intentions of returning. We have not made a return trip. Not even once. But the house has always been occupied by our cousins. Sadly, it hasn’t been maintained and looking quite neglected. And during Mao’s time, the government had taken all the steel that was part of the house – all the metal window shutters, the big main door and gate. Happily, the Boston cousin has the means to renovate it. He is going to have it restored to as when my grandfather had it built.

The cousin is the youngest son of my grandfather’s brother. He knows our families’ history. He knows that my grandfather had supported his family. He is grateful and wants good fend shui. No leaky roof over our ancestors’ heads.

Wordless Wednesday

Posted on July 10, 2024 by hafong

It’s too hot for words today and my mind is totally toasted. Here’s what happiness is for me this morning. In the heat of the afternoon, I’m not feeling cool and content like my laughing buddha.

But a glass of rhubarb wine can greatly reduce my distress. I’m feeling a bit more mellow.

I’m looking at my garden with a happier eye. How can I ask for anything more?

No Nevers on a Sunday

Posted on July 7, 2024 by hafong

Summer time and the living is not quite so easy, not even on a Sunday. Not for me anyways. Seems like as I grow older, life gets busier. Maybe that is because I am moving slower and I can’t keep pace. But what’s the haste, eh? That kind of attitude will get me nowhere fast.

I’ve learned to move early and often to compensate for my slowness. I’m up early almost at the crack of dawn. It’s easy when the sun is an early bird and lights the way. I always enjoy my first cup of tea immensely in the quiet of early morning. It’s always wonderful on the deck if weather permits.

After, I like to do a tour of my outdoor space before breakfast. You might say it’s my walking meditation. It clears my head and mind of useless debris, the toxins that can poison my very thoughts. The greenhouse is good place to wander in. It is still relatively cool and filled with the scent of bitter melon blossoms. This year has been odd with the weather just getting warm this past week. It is not a jungle of bitter melon vines and tomatoes of other summers. But they will come. Look! A cucumber ready for the picking.

It’s hard to stay still and put my feet up even in the heat of the afternoon. Things need to be done. This afternoon found me in our community garden. There’s weeds to be pulled, mulch to be laid and everything needs to be watered. So I sweated but it’s a good sweat. Time keeps marching on. The growing season is short. It is work I enjoy. It is much easier than clearing and cleaning house.

So another post for day 7 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Whew! I thought I couldn’t do it.

Mission Completed

Posted on July 6, 2024 by hafong

The morning is bright and sunny. I’m still irritably irked. It is a double whammy alright. Unfortunately, my nature is such that once something has got a hold of me, it is hard for me to let it go. I’m like Sheba with a bone. I miss her. If she was here, she could always make me feel better. But she’s not. I have to do it myself.

I’m not moving fast, weighed down by my miserable nature. But the day is started. I’ve dugged out another small patch in my flower bed. It is a little harder this morning, the soil being dryer. But it is very satisfying to get all those damn creeping bellflower roots up and out. When I see the network of carrot like tubers and fine fibers attached, it is no wonder they’re so difficult to get rid off. I am careful not to overdo. A little dab at a time will do it. Mission completed.

That is the approach I will have to take when the going gets tough. My brain is a bit foggy when I’m moody. I have to push a little harder through the mist to find the words and thoughts. I can think of it as aerobics for my mind. My vision can be clouded by my feelings. I can be wrong about many things in this state. It is better to do less rather than more. It is better for me to be slower than faster.

I have a tea to attend at Hues Art Supply this afternoon. It’s where I have been taking my art classes. For the month of July and August, they are displaying the students’ art. So two of my paintings are showing for the month of July.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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