August 1, the morning after the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am enjoying the cool of the morning. We had breakfast on the deck, the first time in a long while. I enjoyed my omelette and toast, followed by a sweet sliced apricot. So what now, after the July writing challenge is over?
Yesterday, I was profoundly numbed, sad and mad. I guess I was overcome by heat and the stress of tending to my elderly father. I was sorely disappointed by his thoughtless and selfish behaviour. All this atop of the politics of the world. Then there’s our premier, Scott Moe, who attended Lindsey Graham’s funeral in the U.S. on the taxpayers’ dollar. It adds to my distress that many Saskatchewan citizens supported his action and Graham.
In the evening we watched the movie In the Land of Blood and Honey about the Bosnian war. Why is it that women always get raped in wars? Watching a scene of a soldier raping a womon in front of other captured women, sparked a thought I never had before. Was my grandmother raped when she was imprisoned by the communists? I will never know. My mother and most of her siblings are gone. There is no one to ask except my youngest uncle. I will not ask that question. My grandmother has been gone for over 50 years now.
I think I’ve gotten over feeling mad and angry about where I find myself in life. I have a partner late in life. I do not have children and of course, no grandchildren. No legacy. It seemed my lot was to tend to others and that’s what it’s been. I remember the times when I felt it was more bearable to shoulder the burden myself than watch others suffer. And so I have suffered. Those times have come to an end. That doesn’t mean that I will become it is all about me. I don’t have that in me. In reality it will be a very slow transition in taking care of myself as well as others.
I think that is what’s next. I will start by doing what I love and what makes me feel good. I love words. I love how they march across my screen. I love how they can ease my heart. I love the smell of the bitter melons in the greenhouse in the morning. I love my garden spaces. I love the cool morning breeze, the silence and a slow cup to tea.That’s it. That’s all for now.
Each morning brings a new beginning, a new page, a new story. I get to choose how I see the world. Isn’t it wonderful that it is July – the sun is shining and my petunias are in full bloom? I am marking my calendar. July 23rd is my Happy New Year.
I never did put makeup on yesterday. I did today. So here I am – in makeup AND earrings! I even put my eyebrows on for the occasion. It is important to set my intention of doing something new for the day. That special space in time when my head and mind is clear and pure is very short. Life crowds in with its many intrusive thoughts. I feel my heart clutching itself with the onslaught of false impressions and feelings. I pause in the moment, letting the feelings come. They are real even if they are from false thoughts. In Byron Katie’s words, I ask myself: Is it true? I will file that for later.
This morning breakfast mattered. Instead of my usual toast, I had steel cut porridge with blueberries. Making the decision to do something new every day opened up my senses. Yesterday, when the rain came, I realized how much I love watching and listening to the rain. I rushed out to the deck to watch and listen to nature’s beauty. I’m making a list of my loves as they come to me. I’m not a list maker either. I store everything in my head. No wonder it hurts. It’s crammed and overflowing with too much. We have to go and sort, discard and file. Till tomorrow.
