Tag Archives: the things I can’t change

The Things I Can’t Change

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I’m still mumbling and stumbling but unfortunately not towards ecstasy. My mind has been like scrambled eggs, unable to be calm. Therefore, I am often lost or at a lost. I thought I would take the day off, lounge, do nothing and rest. It seem like a hard thing to do now. I wake up, get up, dress up and show up and there’s things to do.

I like to step out of the door to get my natural dose of Vitamin D. Pretty soon I find a pail in my hand and a pair of clippers in my other hand. Then I clip a tomato here and there, pick those evergrowing purple pole beans. I wander into the front yard and clip those bush tomatoes in the raised bed. Next I’m pulling some red onions in the next bed. One thing leads to another. It always happen.

I’m not complaining. It’s good to be out in the morning light. It’s good to be moving. But it would be good, too, if I can be still and rest. I have lost the knack of just being. I’m in constant thought, thinking, worrying, fretting, moving. There are many things that I can’t change but somehow I still feel responsible. I still fret, mumble and stumble through my day, wondering what can I do.

So I came here, to put my frantic and nervous thoughts onto the page. Perhaps that will take wind out of them. A therapist once told me that I am not all that powerful. I am not God. I am not responsible for everything and everyone. So I am remembering that now and thinking about the many things I have no power over.

I cannot change my nature. I am a fretter and worrier. Perhaps accepting that part of myself will help me find healthier ways of behaviour. I cannot change how another sees and treats me. It is not my problem and it does not define me. I cannot stop time. I cannot change the weather. I can learn to prepare to work around for the things I cannot change. I guess I am not that powerless, after all. I do have power over how I think. And that is good enough.

THE THINGS I CAN’T CHANGE

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I believe that when we are hit with an ‘aha’ moment we should give it due respect and pay attention.

The other day my mother phoned.  Could I make a doctor’s appointment for her.  My father had tried a couple of times but got a recording that says that you have to do it online.  I found it peculiar since not everyone, especially seniors have computers or have the know hows.  I phoned and the recording does say you have the option of making appointments online but if you press 0 or just hang on, you can speak to the receptionist.

bigstock-hand-making-a-stop-signal-sign-162901311I felt a bubble of irritation starting up at my father.  How could he not understand that since he got the online part?  In the same moment, I saw the flashing STOP sign in my head, telling me that this is how my father has been for many, many years.  Though he came to Canada as a young man in his early 20’s, he does not know the English language well at all.  He had made no provision for my mother to learn.

Sometimes I think he knows more than he lets on.  But he rather have somebody else do all these things so he doesn’t.  I have been the interpreter, making and taking them to appointments since I was about 9 years old. It has made me feel responsible for their health, happiness and total being.  No one can be responsible for somebody else’s all.  I have felt guilt and anger.

What are the chances that he would change now at 83?  None.  So why waste my energy getting angry and then feel like a very bad person/daughter?  I squashed that ugly bubble and made the appointment.  I told my mother how they can get through to the receptionist the next time.  I’m feeling grateful that he is still able to drive and be independent otherwise.  I am grateful that there are Chinese physicians here so that they can see their doctor on their own most of the time.  I am grateful that I can help my parents to be as independent as they are able to.

I am fortunate that I finally recognize that there are the things I can’t change.  I can now stop fretting, stressing, fuming, insisting that yes, things can change.  Some things cannot.  I can stop getting, being and staying in anger.  Having seen the light/stop sign, I can ease up, let go a bit and move on.  There will be, of course, days when I will fall back on old ways.  I will get righteous and indignant, insisting that other person change and behave the way I want.  I hope those occasions will come less and less.  Let there be patience and love.