I have this tune running in my head for several days now. It’s very upbeat, not my usual kind of thing. But it keeps playing on and on. The only words I hear is electric company. It’s nothing I can find on YouTube though there is a show with a theme song called Electric Company. Maybe I wrote it up myself – in my head. I have to turn it off and move on with my words and day.

I am cranky though nothing is wrong. I attribute it to the cold, the layers of clothes I have to ply on, scrunching up my shoulders to ward off the chill, and my naturally sour disposition. Whatever else I do, I do not let myself off the hook. I am like that. One time I turned myself in to my manager for swearing at a staff in the presence of a patient. It did not matter that the patient was confused and probably never heard, or that I abbreviated the oath. What I said was, “F off, Jack.” Jack peed me off because I asked for help and he was too busy visiting.

What followed was a bit of a circus. Because I reported it in a written note, my manager said she had to go through all the channels. I was to get my union rep. Jack was to get his union rep. A date was appointed and we were to meet with some official. I had some instructions from my rep, a lady who would never say any bad words. She told me if I felt like crying in the course of the interview, don’t hold back. Cry, let it out. She also asked me if I felt Jack was racially discriminatory. I said no though I hated how he always sing my name. Lily, Billy, Kabilly, etc. Even if I felt it was racial, I did not want to go there.

The day came for the meeting. The official was a man. He was gruff and curt, asking why I needed help. By the time I had finished explaining that I was doing Jack’s job while he was visiting with another staff and wouldn’t come to my assistance, I was crying. I sobbed that I was angry and huffed out, ” F off, Jack.” My union rep chimed in. “Lily said f off. She did not say fuck off.”

Needless to say, I was speechless with mouth opened along with everyone else. The official man said, “She said f off? We’re done.” Everyone packed up their briefcases and went home. No further mention of more meetings or rehab.

I am cranky today but I did not swear at anyone. I was edgy and irritable. I felt like walking out of my step aerobics this morning but I didn’t. I let electric company played in my head. I wondered why I was feeling like that. Was it the bright lights in the gym, having to gather all the equipment, the violent yucky movie from last night? I don’t know what it was but I talked myself out of behaving badly. That’s the main thing.