I have this tune running in my head for several days now. It’s very upbeat, not my usual kind of thing. But it keeps playing on and on. The only words I hear is electric company. It’s nothing I can find on YouTube though there is a show with a theme song called Electric Company. Maybe I wrote it up myself – in my head. I have to turn it off and move on with my words and day.

I am cranky though nothing is wrong. I attribute it to the cold, the layers of clothes I have to ply on, scrunching up my shoulders to ward off the chill, and my naturally sour disposition. Whatever else I do, I do not let myself off the hook. I am like that. One time I turned myself in to my manager for swearing at a staff in the presence of a patient. It did not matter that the patient was confused and probably never heard, or that I abbreviated the oath. What I said was, “F off, Jack.” Jack peed me off because I asked for help and he was too busy visiting.

What followed was a bit of a circus. Because I reported it in a written note, my manager said she had to go through all the channels. I was to get my union rep. Jack was to get his union rep. A date was appointed and we were to meet with some official. I had some instructions from my rep, a lady who would never say any bad words. She told me if I felt like crying in the course of the interview, don’t hold back. Cry, let it out. She also asked me if I felt Jack was racially discriminatory. I said no though I hated how he always sing my name. Lily, Billy, Kabilly, etc. Even if I felt it was racial, I did not want to go there.

The day came for the meeting. The official was a man. He was gruff and curt, asking why I needed help. By the time I had finished explaining that I was doing Jack’s job while he was visiting with another staff and wouldn’t come to my assistance, I was crying. I sobbed that I was angry and huffed out, ” F off, Jack.” My union rep chimed in. “Lily said f off. She did not say fuck off.”

Needless to say, I was speechless with mouth opened along with everyone else. The official man said, “She said f off? We’re done.” Everyone packed up their briefcases and went home. No further mention of more meetings or rehab.

I am cranky today but I did not swear at anyone. I was edgy and irritable. I felt like walking out of my step aerobics this morning but I didn’t. I let electric company played in my head. I wondered why I was feeling like that. Was it the bright lights in the gym, having to gather all the equipment, the violent yucky movie from last night? I don’t know what it was but I talked myself out of behaving badly. That’s the main thing.


About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.
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  1. Des says:

    Well Honest Lil, at least you managed to be good today! I’m enjoying reading your self-assessments. Your posts inspire me because they are honest, sometimes brutally so, in examining what you perceive as your own shortcomings. Just as much, I feel relieved when you share your more upbeat thoughts, when you think are making progress. I find it all (the honesty, I guess) very refreshing!

    • hafong says:

      Oh, thank you very much! I do feel I could lighten up and take it easier on myself and others. I’ve been told by professionals that I have high standards and hold everybody to them. 🙂 I’m working on it.


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