Tag Archives: spaces

CRAVINGS, SPACES, LOVES

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It’s Saturday morning. Cloudy and breezy upon wakening. I had toast with cherry jam. Thought I would treat myself royally today. Sheba is not the only queen in the house. I can sit here forever with my tea, my book and my thoughts. Sometimes it’s not so good to stay in my head long. It is full of paranoia and false stories. The sun is out. I must not tarry. I shall gather the forementioned queen. we can saunter down to our community garden and see how it is doing. Perhaps I can gather some greens for lunch. Be back in awhile.

I’m back. It’s more than awhile. It’s noon. I’ll try not to think of time slipping away but time well spent and enjoyed. It was. I killed several birds with one stone. Sheba and I had a mindful walk to the community garden. We took time to smell the flowers and chew some grass. It was quite wonderful that our footsteps and heartbeats were synchronized. We walked as one together and in rhythm. We got exercised. Home now with our harvest. Happy and pooped. For Sheba, it’s literal. I can sit now with my coffee and keyboard for awhile. Then lunch. What more could I ask for?

I know. There’s a whole world out there. There’s Folk Fest. There’s this. There’s that. I almost could feel the urge to do, to join, to be part of everything. When I had, I didn’t feel any more of. part. belonging. happier. satisfied. When I had been in the midst of it all, I was still searching. Where is it? What is it? Is this it? That’s all? Now, I tried to accept that I will get this feeling of need or craving for ‘the more, the thing that will make me happy ever after’. There’s no such thing. There’s no such place.

There is no point in trying to fill that longing space within or searching for happiness. I know it’s our human nature, this yearning for more. Instead, I will try to fill my stomach and appetite. I will get to know myself better in my life, my likes, dislikes, values, what works, what doesn’t. I will make it my adventure. It’s a continual journey. It requires me getting up, dressing up and showing up. I do every day. I love that slogan/ act. I love tap, tap, tapping on the keyboard, I love making index card art, I love, I love… What do you love?

 

EVERY DAY HAS ITS CLOUD

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IMG_0866The clouds can get to me.  Their shifting shadows feel ominous, giving me a sense of impending doom.  It feels as if someone is walking on my grave. I’m waiting for the shoe to drop.  It never has.

I’ve learned to live with this holding my breath, waiting for the shoe to drop – waiting to wake up from my free fall through space and hitting the ground.  I never have.  And so, I’m braver now.  I have wings and I can almost fly.  No heavy landing for me, thank you very much.

IMG_0876Still, the clouds can make my heart skip a beat at times.  But that is okay.  I flutter my wings a bit to calm it and carry on.  There’s early bike rides with Sheba trotting by my side.  She needs someone ahead to chase after or else she digs her heels in and say, No!  We ride when the sun shines or not.  I feel like a postman.

The sun is shining now.  It has been playing hide and seek with the clouds all day.  I am playing along with both of them.  Whatever works! The rain has made the ground nice and soft to dig.  It is a good opportunity to clean up my much neglected and overgrown perennial beds.

I’m hoping they will look better in a month or two.  Digging and clearing is good therapy.  I’m cleaning my inner space along with my outer space.

SUCCESSES, FAILURES, AND IN BETWEEN

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What is success?  What is failure?  I tend to think in black and white.  Sometimes I see in black and white in times of stress – life in Kodak moments.  But that is not how life is.  There are many shades of grey in between.  There are other spaces between success and failure.

You would think, looking at the picture above, that I’m a successful gardener.  And you would be right.  I am successful for that much, but as for the rest of the garden….We hope to do better next year.  It is in the other spaces in between success and failure that give rise to our better selves, where we are motivated to do not perfect, but BETTER.  There are no spaces in perfect, no room to grow.

My teachers in high school had such high hopes for me.  They pushed me to go to university, when all I want at the time was to be a secretary.  So I went to university.  I succeeded in finishing two years, but not in getting a degree.  I dreamed of being an artist and a writer.  I did not become such, though I dappled in both.  But I did end up being a secretary for awhile, until my heart became discontented.

I became a nurse then, not because I want to serve mankind or such noble causes.  I was bored and felt unfulfilled.  I wanted to be an executive secretary, but I did not have that kind of persona.  I could not move up.  I was a failure!  And so I moved on.  I became a nurse….now for more than 30 years.

I’m still trying to write.  Now it is purely for my own pleasure, for my own growth.  I started this blog with an intention of a thousand words every day.  But I am falling quite short of a thousand words!  But I am writing.  I am still working towards my goals.  Maybe I will have to change my goal to a thousand posts a year.