Tag Archives: smoke

Smoke, Despair and Frustrations

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Photo by Trinity Kubassek on Pexels.com

A very grey and smoky morning. It is dark in the house. It is a day of multiple cups of tea/coffee. I am not fighting it. I am taking care not to fall into despair though it does look like we’re on the edge of destruction. I am comforting myself that we are doing the best we can to lighten the burden on our planet. We have installed solar panels first on the house and then on the garage. We have many catchments for rainwater harvesting. We do not use chemicals in our food growing endeavours or in maintaining our yard.

Rather than sitting frozen with all my worries and fears, I decided to tackle living as best as I can. I changed out of my pjs, sat here, tapped out a few words for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Then I decided I should do a couple of necessary things like booking for my physical and paying my auto insurance. The doctor’s appointment made online caused no problems. Just waiting for confirmation. The auto insurance was stressful. Nowadays getting to talk to a real person on the phone is like trying to break into Fort Knox. I leave a voice message. I get a call back. Then I had to leave another voice message for another person.

All that didn’t do any wonders for my unsteady nerves. It’s taken care of and now I can let it go. I did a few things like doing a load of laundry and dishes while waiting for return phone calls. It’s best to put that energy into something useful instead of stewing in frustration. I might take a tylenol for my headache or I got chocolate cake which might work better.

Ranting

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The smoke certainly has thrown a monkey wrench into my plans for this week. I had decided to take this time off from the gym and work out in the yard and the gardens. There’s more than plenty to do. The front yard is a disaster with those creeping bellflowers taking over again. I put in alot of sweat and tears last summer digging and digging – to no avail. They’re still coming and coming. I’m not going to put myself out there, fighting them or anything else, in the smoke.

It is very frustrating to wake up again in this smoky haze. It is the middle of July and it is cool and grey. I am somewhat angry that we’re in all this. There’s still many who are denying and not talking about the climate change even those in power. We need to recognize this and talk about what needs to be done. It is, of course, easier to pretend nothing is wrong even though we are on fire. Grrrrr!

I could not handle being hampered and hemmed in and full of wrath. Not regarding what I said about the smoke, I went to the community garden with my masks. I harvested a bag of snowpeas, weeded a bit and watered our plots. After an early lunch, I drove out to the allotment garden with my masks and gloves. The gloves are for squishing potato beetles. And there were some. The potato leaves were not a pretty sight.

By now the air quality index is better but you can still smell the smoke and the sky is still grey. But the rant is out of me for this 15th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Tomorrow I shall tackle those creeping bellflowers.

potatoes
corn
beets
beans
peas

I’VE LOST MY MOJOS

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I have somehow lost my mojo for words. Imagine that! It’s been that kind of summer. It’s a marker, that’s for damn sure. Life will never be the same again. Can’t you feel it? It’s a roller coaster weather wise, too. If this doesn’t convince you we have climate change, nothing will. It has been a scorcher the last few days. PLUS we’re enveloped in smoke from forest fires on the west coast.

When I see my world enveloped in smokey haze for days, I have this feeling we are coming to our end faster than predicted. The world seemed to be on fire, literally. Then there’s the figuratively. There’s no good news. Bombings, shootings and more shootings. I do not have a positive slant on life right now.

I have lost my mojos for everything. Maybe it’s the heat. It’s taken the energy out of me. I say tomorrow I will do this and that. Tomorrow does come. It becomes today. And I say the same thing. Maybe tomorrow. What a sad sack I’ve become! Well, life hasn’t been easy. I’m not one to suffer in silence. I’m not blaming anyone or anything. Just saying as they say. I am sure that I am not alone in the difficulties of living. At least I shoot off my mouth instead of a gun.

I should call it a day and go to bed but I have this restlessness inside. How could one be at ease these days? I find it distressing having to draw the blinds to keep the heat out day after day. I feel as if I am in hiding from some unknown enemy. The forecast for the next few days is cooler temperatures. I can open the blinds at least. And maybe the windows if the smoke dissipates. There’s always hope. That’s what they say.

STUFF THAT DREAMS ARE MADE OF

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Last night I dreamed that I cut my hair during my coffee break.  It took me almost two hours and I hadn’t done my back yet.  By that time my shift was over.  I had wondered, in my dream, who was covering for me.  Then I woke up.

I remembered it because I wrote it up in my dream journal right away.  Otherwise it would have disappeared like the morning dew on a sunny summer morning.  I wanted to remember my dreams, every single one of them.

Perhaps it is a foolish thing, grasping onto will ‘o wisps.  It’s like holding onto smoke.  It reminds me of the time when I was a young woman and still living at home.  When my mother walked into my bedroom as I was having a cigarette, I instinctively put my hand over the ashtray.   The smoke curls out and up between my fingers.

We watched the smoke curling through my fingers in silence, my mother and I.  We did not speak.  I realized how foolish I was in that moment – as if I can hide something from my mother.  It would have been better if we could have talked.  Living up to what I thought was her ‘standards’ was very hard.  Life could have been easier if we knew what the other was thinking.  I would not have to always fight life so hard.

Here I go again with the ‘ifs’, ‘ would haves’, etc.  One thing I know for sure is that we can’t go backwards.  No time traveling to the past nor the future is possible.  Can I say YET?  Well, whatever!  Life itself is but a dream.  You can grab it, hold onto it with all your might, and squeeze the hell out it all you want, but it will go on.  It is an inane phrase but life goes on.

I guess I should not waste any more valuable time.  The thing to do is to honour and respect this life of mine.  I know I have a purpose.  I want to fulfill those ‘dreams’ of mine, however elusive they are.  To steal the words of my hero, Martin Luther King, I have a dream…

  • to write my novel
  • to lose 10 pounds
  • to live in the present moment
  • to learn compassion
  • to learn forgiveness

These are five big dreams.  They will keep me pretty busy.  Any help will be accepted.