Tag Archives: patience and fortitude

APRIL LOVES – patience and Fortitude

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It’s still April and I’m still in the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ve missed a few days but have shown up most of the time as best as I could. It has been a hard month and spring, not knowing whether it’s winter or spring from day to day. But there’s always those moments and days when you least expect it, you feel that life is still so beautiful and so worth to put in your full effort. That’s where I’m at right now. Much of my loves have lost their zest, their appeal. They’re not working as well. The words, the photos and the art aren’t quite the same. But I still tap, click and push the pens, pencils and paint around on the page. Though these things have lost their glow, they still soothe and smooth me. I’m always surprised at the end of each process that they still please if not thrill me.

The morning is not a warm one. The sky is cloudy, steely grey. I feel the chill looking at it. But at last the sun is pushing through. The birds are still chirping. It is 1℃ and 11.8℃ in the greenhouse. I’ve already made my morning walk to the greenhouse with some more seedlings. They’re getting leggy in the house. Our little 10×10 greenhouse is getting rather full. Hoping for steady warm weather ahead to heat up the raised beds to take up some of the burden. Gardening will certainly be a challenge given the temperamental weather, me and life. Hoping for patience and fortitude – being steady like the mountains in rain or shine.

I am rather pleased at how my morning has gone. I got my draw/paint and photo challenge done for today. I’m putting the finishing touches on this post. Not spectacular accomplishments but they’re my best for today.

MY MONKEY MIND

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Friday

I’m experiencing restless brain syndrome today. My monkey mind is taking me here and there, nowhere that is restful. That, too, is best to accept and not try frantically to rid of. Trying to escape would only creates more frantic. I have a headache and a pain in my left jaw from clenching and crunching. I’ve taken a Tylenol. I’m trying to relax everything. My rhythmic tapping on the keyboard is soothing me. I do my 4-7-8 breathing exercise.

“Patience” and “Fortitude”, the “Library Lion” statues, in the snowstorm of Dec. 1948 from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/New_York_Public_Library

It’s a beautiful day with a nice cooling breeze. I’m trying to enjoy the good and bad of our weather. They are both beautiful, each in their own ways. They keep me on my toes, awake to my senses and my surroundings. They remind me not to fret about things I have no control of. Be like the willow. Bend with the wind so I will not snap. I’m also reminded to be strong like a mountain, sitting firmly through all the seasons. I think of Patience and Fortitude, the two marble lions at the entrance of the New York Public Library. They’re qualities I would like to have.

Saturday

My mind is still not at rest, not allowing me to settle in a calm state. Sheba is of the same ilk. She is staring and whining/panting at me. We are each influenced by each other’s energy. I have to ignore her. She has been fed, watered and personal needs taken care of. There’s nothing to be done. There always have been days like these, to tolerate and weather as best as I can.

Saturdays are my favourite days and it was a beautiful sunny summer morning with a cool breeze. It was easy getting out the door to do my Saturday morning swim. I swam 26 lengths last week. It felt easy and effortless but no two Saturdays and two swims are the same. I was tired and I didn’t get my lane next to the edge of the pool. Someone beat me to it. Funny how that one little thing can throw me off. But it did, having to deal with a rope on each side. I worry about crashing into them. Then I obsess about my technique doing the backstroke. It made for not an optimum relaxing swim. Still it was my best. I didn’t best the week’s before 26 lengths. But I got in 24.

We are now in the heat of the afternoon – 31 degrees Celsius. Sheba has settled on the cool of the hardwood floor. I was a no show Thursday for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I struggle Friday and today here. I am trying to put my best foot forward though my fingers are somewhat stiff and achy. I wonder why the heat affects the joints that way.

I am still keen in completing the month even though I feel tired and sluggish. These periods where I stutter and stumble are not bad. I think they are necessary rest periods. I need to slow down so I can see and evaluate the distance I’ve come. What have I accomplished? What have I learned? I’ll see if I can answer those questions tomorrow.

 

 

ON THE YELLOW BRICK ROAD

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Sometimes ill winds blow even on sunny days. There is nothing I can do. I have learned over time to stand/sit tall and let them blow over me. I try to emulate Patience and Fortitude, the lions in front of the New York Public Library. I must with patience and fortitude retain the core of myself through all kinds of weather – sunshine or rain. Whatever comes my way, I’m ready. Bring it on! Amazing the power of words and self-talk! I love Mary Sarton’s words, her self talk.

“Keep busy with survival. Imitate the trees. Learn to lose in order to recover, and remember that nothing stays the same for long, not even pain, psychic pain. Sit it out. Let it all pass. Let it go.”

It is hard for me to let go. I tend to hang on with tooth and nail. My grip is loosening with age. The truth is I’ve worn my nails to the quick. Sometimes there is no choice but to let go. I have to confess I have lost some parts of myself on this life journey. I’m walking my own Camino Road to retrieve them. I’m much like Dorothy and her companions going down the Yellow Brick Road. The Scarecrow searching for a brain, the Tin Man a heart and the Lion courage. I’m searching for all three. There is happy ending for Dorothy and her friends. I believe there is one for me, too, though I wouldn’t call it ‘ending’.

I much prefer beginnings. I like the idea of waking every morning to a new day and another crack at things. I get to re-program myself. I would delete the stuff that didn’t work and try something new and different. Who wants to wake up to the same old, same old like Bill Murray in Groundhog Day? No one but I have been without knowing it. I’m grateful to my ‘bad’ days. They tell me that I’m not having such a good time and things are not ticking along. My ducks are all out of alignment. It’s time to take a different path or pull over and take a rest.

Maybe, just maybe, I have all the stuff I’m looking for. Maybe I should search within myself. I could have been barking up the wrong tree, going down the wrong garden path all this time. Gee whiz, why don’t I watch where I am going?

 

‘PATIENCE AND FORTITUDE’

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If wishes were horses, I would wish for more hours in a day.  But what is the use?  It is not possible.  And the wise say it’s not the number of hours but what you do with them that matters.

Well, then I wish I have more patience and fortitude.  What does it take to have those qualities?  Googling, I find that PATIENCE is the quality or habit of enduring without complaint. FORTITUDE is:  Strength of mind to meet or endure unfalteringly pain, adversity or peril; patient and constant courage.

Looking further, I find that they are the names of two lions flanking The New York Public Library.  They are perfect personas of patience and fortitude – sitting, waiting and enduring through thick and thin.  I remember my cousin Edmund taking me there once upon a time.  I had taken out Herman Wouk’s Marjorie Morningstar.  It is still one of my favourite books.

Can I hope for these qualities?  My name certainly is not PATIENCE.  I complain a lot – vocally and in print.  I can feel my agitation stirring and neck veins bulging just thinking about it.  I have to stop and take a breath, relaxing my shoulders, relaxing my face and smiling to ease the stress.  My furry baby is better, BUT….In the evening, she starts her insistent whimpering and she is my own personal magnet. Yes, I need more patience – and discipline for Sheba.

I had an extra egg for breakfast this morning – more protein to build FORTITUDE.  I am very good at rationalizing.  I am grouchy.  Protein is good for smoothing my edges.  I am in month 4 of healthy eating and life style changes and week 7 of Dr. Jon -Kabat-Zinn’s stress reduction method.  I haven’t fallen off the wagon yet but I am grouchy and complaining.  I am not perfect but I have lost a few pounds and a bit off my midriff.  I have fortitude.

Let life carry me forth.  The sun is shining brightly.  My Income Tax Return and filing are awaiting me.  The delivery man have just come to the door with my seed order. Meanwhile, the petunias are crying for some attention.  And of course, Sheba is waiting patiently for her walk.

Soon we will have green grass and flowers growing among my own Patience and Fortitude. They sit day in and day out, watching silently over me, giving me their patience and fortitude.

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