Tag Archives: missing my mother

Having Faith

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Photo by Ketut Subiyanto on Pexels.com

February 8th. Cloudy, 0℃, freezing rain warning and snow forecasted. For far, so good. No rain nor snow. I’m still recovering from my cold or whatever I’m afflicted with. My cough is less and looser. So my self ministering works. I’ve been drinking almost nonstop for a couple of days – tea, decaf, herbal tea, hot water. So much sometimes I don’t quite make it to the bathroom in time. Then there’s the tylenol and neti pot saline rinses. I tried to stop this cold but even when I felt it coming, I couldn’t stop it. It had to have its day. It was like trying to stop a charging bull, a speeding train or a tsumani. Though I couldn’t stop it, I’ve lessened the impact.

Now that I have the momentum, I’m still tapping on the keyboard. It keeps me sane. It’s enough reason to keep going. I feel like I have someone to talk to, someone who understands, doesn’t judge and doesn’t talk back. There’s nothing that could make me feel worse than someone trying to make me see sense, see ‘the other side’. It’s something that I need to do for myself. What I need is to have the faith, trust in my feelings and intuition, lay low, stay quiet and let things be.

Though technically we are connected 24/7, I don’t feel we are connected emotionally at all. There’s this distance and emptiness. It’s difficult to have the faith. I’m working on it. I’m lonely without it. I miss my mother. I miss how things used to be. I can’t understand anything any more. Perhaps I shouldn’t try so hard to understand but it is surprising to find Dr. Phil showing up at ICE Raids. And why all the fury on immigrants? Aren’t we all immigrants here in North America except for the aboriginals? Aren’t we all human inhabitants of the planet? Doesn’t it belong to all of us?

Why are we killing each other? It’s making me furious. I feel like we’re experiencing a global autoimmune disorder. We are attacking each other. We are each other’s enemy. For this, I need to find and keep the faith that we can do better. I am tired. I need to just shut up and believe and be strong.

Another Teacup but No Tomatoes Today

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There’s no tomato planting for me today. Not even one. Instead, I planted 4 celery seedlings in the front yard raised bed. It was easier. I am super tired. It is ok to scale back and do less. Not that I have done less. Once I start moving, I don’t know how to stop. I do try to do easier things but they still add up.

I consider not writing today but I have the momentum. Stopping could lead to stopping. So here I am, tapping out a few words. I am feeling a tad sad besides tired. My father and I had a short walk this afternoon. It was a beautiful sunny day. He did well using his cane instead of a walker. After our walk, I weeded my mother’s flower beds while he sat on the front steps. There’s an abundance of snapdragons popping up in both beds. They have self seeded. I watered the beds to help the marigolds and petunias to show themselves, too. We had left last year’s growth on the beds the way my mother did so they would seed themselves. They always do. I’m missing my mother.

My words are not flowing. It happens. I do not stress it. I am not writing a literary masterpiece. I am just easing my mind and keeping up a good habit of showing up. I feel good that I am able to do so. I feel good about my teacup for today’s #the100dayproject. I’m on day 85. 15 more days to go. The series of teacups are turning out better than I expected. Someone asked if she could buy a few of them. It made me super happy even though I could not sell her any. My teacups are drawn and painted in my journal, not a format for sales. Still, it’s a good reason to celebrate.