Tag Archives: love

PURPOSE, PROJECTS AND FOLLOW THROUGH

Posted on by
4

The day/life is much easier with purpose. It gives you structure and a starting point. It’s the catalyst that pushes me through the starting gate and onward to the finish line. I’m in a better frame of mind. It’s reassuring that I am not always pooling in my puddles. It only seems so. Once more the sun is shining on me, literally. I have to take off my sweater. It’s that warm.

The words feel more fluid in the warmth. They are flowing with ease from my fingertips. I am at ease in this moment with Sheba sleeping beside me. The sun feels so warm, the tea so good. I close my eyes, inhaling, exhaling..living. I give thanks of gratitude to the wisdom of people like Viktor Frankl, Caroline Myss and Professor Guy McPherson. McPherson, a biology professor believes that climate change from our heavy footprint is destroying our planet beyond repair. Even so, we should not despair. He advises:

 “I encourage people to pursue excellence, to pursue love, to pursue what they love to do. I don’t think these are crazy ideas, actually – and I also encourage people to remain calm because nothing is under control, certainly not under our control anyway.”

Those words resonate with me. I am in pursuit of those goals the best I can. They are my torch on gloomy days, beckoning onward or to sit and rest awhile. I need heroes and cheerleaders to coach me along the way. It’s one thing to get started and another to follow through to the end. I’ve had a bit of practice. It’s easier every day. I get up, dress up and show up the best I can. Some best are better than others. That’s how it is.

What are my pursuits in concrete language? The biggy right now is mastering my new Bernina computerized sewing machine. It would have been wise to do some checking. Too bad I didn’t read this blog before. No matter. I have no buyer’s regret. I have a vision of using it as another medium for my artwork. I was inspired by images of free motion embroidery. They popped into my head one day. I can do that, I said to myself. I trust my instincts and ‘feelings’. So off to the Sewing Machine Store I went.

I’m not off and running yet but it is out of the box. After hours of watching tutorils on YouTube, I’ve bobbined and manually threaded the needle. Haven’t mastered the automatic threader yet. I can turn it on, off, navigate some of computer screen and use the straight and zigzag stitches. Not exactly flying or embroidering but still pretty awesome. I think I’ll go and hem my pants now. Be back tomorrow with more progress – I hope.

 

THE PLACE CALL HOME

Posted on by
6

I think too much. Today, I’m thinking about the place call home. Where is it for me – the China where I was born, Maidstone, Saskatchewan where I took grade 1-12 or here, in Saskatoon, where I have lived since?

Was it Thomas Wolfe who said you can never go home again?  It’s true. On a trip to Hong Kong, I tried to speak Chinese to the store merchants while shopping for souvenirs. They could not understand me. My travel mates told me to speak English for heaven’s sake. I was crushed. On another trip to China, I tried to find my way back to my home village. No luck for various reasons. On my return home, my mother informed me that our cousin laughed about my clumsy Chinese when I tried to talk to her on the phone. More crushing. It’s not for lack of trying but lack of appreciation by others that I couldn’t find home.

Is home a place then? I spent most of my formative years (12) in Maidstone. I always refer it as my hometown. But is it home? We owned the house we lived in. My father and his cousin owned the Rex Cafe they operated together. I knew the teachers and most of the kids in school. The year I finished grade 12, my family moved to NYC. But even before the move, I sensed that we were really not part of the fabric. We were one of the 3 Chinese families in town. We had the cafe.

My parents didn’t belong/participate in any community groups or activities. My mother had only a spattering of English. I had never felt the aloneness and separation of homelessness till that end of that summer. I came back to Maidstone to pack up for going to university in Saskatoon. We had not yet all moved. My father was still in the process of finalizing the sale of the house and cafe. My grandparents were still in the house. But already I was feeling gone and invisible. It was as if the town had shifted and filled in the spaces we once occupied.

For me then, home is not so much a place as the warmth of feelings, the rushing arms of a welcoming. Home is the moment that Sheba runs out the door, tail wagging and squealing with delight after just a couple of days away. She gallops back and forth, unable to contain her happiness at seeing us. We watch her antics, misty-eyed and hearts full – owners and dog sitter. We were all home in the moment of pure love.

SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU

Posted on by
1

We should all be like our pet dogs. We were gone for just 2 days. It could have been weeks. When we got back to pick up Sheba at the sitter’s, she was beside herself with happiness. She ran out the door and galloped around Carol’s front yard. Back and forth she ran, kicking up her heels like a donkey, squealing with delight. She let us know that she was so happy to see us.

Why can’t we be like that, not afraid to show our feelings. If you care about someone, don’t hide and be coy about it. Show your appreciation. We might say  and do all the right/polite things, but our body language gives us away. Let me tell you, there’s no mistaking Sheba’s body language. She loves us and she’s not afraid to show it.

Sheba has taught me much in our lives together. Love transcend many boundaries. You cannot measure love in the dollars or sense. Love touches you in that special space inside. And she surely has touched us there.

SOME KIND OF CHANGE

Posted on by
Reply

A change of pace, a change of scene is always good for the soul. It breaks up the routine. It breaks up thoughts. You can’t rely on the same old, same old. You are forced to see something different if not differently.

So here we are in another city, in a hotel. In recent days we’ve experienced the loss of family members. That alone has changed our lives forever. Our days are somehow never going to be the same. The thought makes the losses unbearable and the memories all the more precious.

I see those moments frozen in time. It is as if I could reach out my hand and touch those people. I can almost hear their voices and laughter. So I have not lost them really. I still have had the experience of them in my being. They are still part of who I am.

I am a little sad but I’m also full of their love and my love for them. So really I am happy after all.

IN PURSUIT OF EXCELLENCE

Posted on by
Reply

The thing is beginnings are always hard. You know that. You circle and circle, filling in, wasting and passing time. Then you get sick of the nagging, weighty thing dragging your butt down and down. So you sit down and begin. So here I go with my tap, tapping for the day.

 

 

 

Arriving at acceptance of things as they are – that the earth has 10 years less 2 days to survive, have set me free – maybe not completely but a bit more. Why? There’s no time to lose/waste/mope. I saw my purpose which is to enjoy the time left. Thanks to Professor Guy McPherson’s advice, I’ve decided that excellence, love and what I love to do are worthy goals to pursue. I was already on that pursuit with my year of doing different, but now I have a clearer vision of it.

In the presence of our recent dramatic climate change, it is difficult to ignore impermanence, that our earth will not be here in another 10 years – less 2 days now. Given that premise, nothing matters anymore and everything matters still. A contradiction I know, but for me it holds much truth, wisdom and comfort.

The nothings that don’t matter are the things outside of me, the things that I have no control of – what others think and do, keeping up with the Jones and Smiths, etc. etc. etc. The things that matter are the things within me, the things that I CAN control – how I speak, how I behave, how I choose. I choose to make my life matter, to take an interest, to find what makes me smile. I choose to live in a way I give back to the earth as well as harvest from it. I choose to pursue excellence in body, mind and spirit. 10 years less 2 days is still worth pursuing.

 

 

 

APRIL/SELF LOVE

Posted on by
6

It’s another morning, another day.  Snow has fallen during the night.  The yard is bathed in white and sunlight.  The night has been good for all of us.  Our bodies and minds are rested.  This morning the egg does not look so lonely on my plate. Our stomachs are sated. We are content.

It is not a bad thing to acknowledge our bad times.  It is not a bad thing to vent.  It is not showing our weaknesses, our failures but showing our humanity.  If I can share my vulnerabilities, maybe you can share yours.  We can learn from each other and build a bridge between us.  Our planet can be a lonely place these days.  We hide behind our fences and facades.  We dare not trespass on each other’s backyard.  It’s yours.  It’s mine. Can we make it ours?

April is a good month to extend yourself by reaching out or within.  It is the month of spring, the greening of the earth.  It is a time for germination of seeds and ideas.  How can we love ourselves and each other more?  How can we plant more seeds for love?

 

ON TOP OF THE WORLD

Posted on by
4

IMG_0508

“I’m on the top of the world lookin’ down on creation
And the only explanation I can find
Is the love that I’ve found ever since you’ve been around
Your love’s put me at the top of the world”

Funny how photos trigger words and snatches of songs in my mind.  That’s how I’m feeling looking at this picture of Sheba – on top of the world.  The Carpenters got it perfectly.  Sheba exemplifies perfect love.

No matter how long or short I’ve been gone, she is always exuberantly happy to see me on my return.  She is never cross with me, except when I try to trim her nails, clean her ears or brush her undercarriage.  But she forgets when it is over and never holds a grudge.  With love like that, how can I not be on top of the world?

IMG_0485So what if I’m greeted by snow and grey skies first thing this morning?  They will pass as all things do.  So I am not feeling quite perky and ready to conquer the world but this, too shall pass.  In the meantime, it makes a good excuse to cuddle up with my tea and book and just enjoy the slowness.  Wars and battles can wait for another day.  For today, I am happy sitting on top of my world watching Sheba IMG_0479play.

FOR LOVE OF SHEBA

Posted on by
8

Sheba WaitingI am not a dog person by nature.  When this unexpected visitor came, I did not expect that we would have such a long love affair.  Seven  years later, we are still going strong.

She taught me about unconditional love.  She showed me I had a heart.  She was such a beautiful baby that I could not give her up, no matter how hard and tough the going was.

So we muddled through the years – the cold and snow in winter, the slush and mud in spring, the dirt in summer and colours of autumn, the season of her birth.

STRUGGLES

Posted on by
Reply

IMG_1030

The day has broken.  I struggle out of bed and struggle through my qigong  routines.  Such is life.  How many mornings have I gotten out of bed now?  And how many times have I done my qigong exercises?  You think I would have perfected both that I could do them in my sleep!

But surprise and no surprise, it isn’t so.  We never reach that perfection point of no struggle…while we are still breathing.  Perhaps it is a good thing.  Otherwise, we would stop reaching for the moon, the stars, for something better or just different.  We would stop growing and developing into new possibilities.

And so I sigh and sip my coffee and suffer my little discomforts.  I massage my sore tight spots.  I breathe out my angst and inhale the goodness of the universe.  I let go of my judgements and let in the love.

If I am to live in this world, I have to be of this world.  We are all the same.  We are the dancers.  Our struggle is the dance.  It matters how we dance.  Let my dance be the tango.

COFFEE WITH MY MOTHER

Posted on by
Reply

26021_380506100886_3080317_n

What really matters to me is that I am able to give back to my mother what she has given to me….love and attention.  So when she tells me that she is missing her sister and that she is feeling so not all right and could I take her out for coffee, it is my pleasure to do so.

I had been wondering how she would deal with my auntie’s death.  Even though they were separated by many miles, they spoke frequently on the telephone up to 2 weeks before my auntie’s death.  By then she was not herself anymore.  She was sometimes confused and angry, hitting and scratching at my cousins, too weak to speak with my mother.  But she died peacefully at home.

My mother was a bit surprised by her own grief.  She felt a bit ashamed of her ‘weakness’.  She said that all her siblings were like that.  My uncles all cried unabashedly at the funeral.  When someone said that they shouldn’t be crying because my aunt was, after all 93, they cried all the harder.  So that’s my mother’s side of the family.  They lived in each others’ hearts.

My coffee times with my mother are somewhat akin to Tuesdays with Morrie.  It’s been a long time since I have read the book, but I remember that those Tuesdays were filled with love, communication and acceptance.  That’s how I feel about my time I spent with my mother.  She is a great storyteller and a very wise woman despite her lack of formal education.  I am who I am because of my mother.  And it is a wonderful thing.