When I think about it, life is very hard. It always has been. Once you get off the treadmill, it’s hard to get back on. It’s hard but you just got to, somehow. What I’ve been trying lately is taking a run at it, at least once a day. Then I can say I haven’t given up. I’m still trying. What I’ve noticed is that the second time, the run is not quite as hard. My feet are lighter though not yet fleet. What I hope for next is endurance, a longer run and less whining. Everyone knows life is hard. I better can it. It’s getting tiresome.
So what I have to do it is remember my motto from Regina Brett’s God Never Blinks, “No matterhow you feel, get up, dress up and show up“. The important thing is showing up. Whether I feel like it or not does not matter. Nobody else has to know how I feel. Sometimes it is better to keep that to myself and put on a cheerful face and put my best foot forward. The rest will follow. It is a surprise but this I know from past experience. This keeps me on stepping it up every day. Some days are better than others. I’m ok with that.
I have mixed feelings at the end of one month and the beginning of a new one. I am glad and sad. Glad to have closure of the old and a new beginning. I’m always sad saying farewell to the known and old. It is good to see the backside of April, the month of uncertainty. April wasn’t winter any more but it wasn’t quite spring either. We’ve had ups and downs. One day it was hot, the next cold with snow. Can we safely say that it is now definitely spring?
I definitely feel lighter and brighter. So glad that many challenges done. The Tax Return done and over for another year. The Ultimate Blog Challenge over. April Love over. I have about 22 days left in #the100dayproject. I have 22 drawings/watercolour to go. I’m working on putting together last year’s 100 quilt squares together. I have to sew 4 quilt squares to make one block. I now have 8 blocks. So 17 blocks to go. After that I have to put the 25 blocks together, add quilt battling, backing and sew everything together. It is best not to think of it all at once. I’m sure to overwhelm myself that way.
Now it is 2 days after April, 1:33pm. Lunch is over and dishes done. This is the worst time of day for me. I’m usually hit with overwhelming fatigue and sleepiness. Today is not as bad though I do lack ambition and energy. I am pushing myself to do my necessary activities of daily living. It takes effort and willpower but hey, nobody says anything is easy. I am sad to hear about Naomi Judd’s death due to mental illness. She had always been opened and outspoken about her depression. I do like the Judd’s music but I am not what you would call an ardent fan. I feel the connection because we are women and I have suffered depression. Who hasn’t? And I was also a nurse.
Because of Naomi, I am feeling a little more vulnerable today. I am more sensitive to the need of taking better care of our mental as well as physical health. No matter who we are, how rich, how famous, we all age and suffer the same. It is important to know ourselves and others and the world around us. It is important to keep putting one foot in front of the other the best we can every single day. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
It is the 17th day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It is a good time for another review. I’ve been missing and skipping more days here lately. And it’s likely that I will not be able to finish this post tonight. Well, my purpose for this month is to carve more time for myself. There’s much to do in this merry month of May. I don’t have as much energy and focus as my younger self. Some things have to go.
It’s a blistering hot day today, up to 32℃. It was almost too hot to sit on the deck by 9 this morning. I did it anyways. At least the deck is covered, out of the sun. I opened both doors to get a breeze. I did not sit in idleness. I was transplanting little tiny seedlings into little paper pots I made. It was almost like performing neurosurgery. I think I will think twice before doing this again. I only have 4 more batches of seedlings to go.
It’s almost 8 pm. Sweat is running down my face as I sit here tapping. I hope we will get some rain after this. I won’t hold my breath though. The earth feels like it’s burning up. I can’t remember when we had some normal spring rain. And what is normal any more?
It is another day/afternoon. Not as hot as yesterday but too warm to sit on the deck. I’m chased back into the relative cool of the house. I’m trying to finish this post/review of how I am doing/progressing. Overall I think I’m making a passing grade. I don’t sweat over the small stuff as much. I don’t let my anxiety put me in the hole. It is just feelings, right? My motto of regardless of how I feel, I get up, dress up and show up still works. As inane as it sounds, life goes on. It’s a healthy treadmill to step on and keep up as best as I can. That’s all that is asked of me.
It is important how I speak to myself in the morning. Good morning, self! is a good opening. The day is then started. I get up, dressed up, wash my face, brush my teeth and show up. How I plan and face the day is important, too. There are must-do things like getting dress, brushing your teeth and showing up for a good breakfast. The next-to-dos are working on projects of sewing my quilt squares, writing this blog, my 6 minute of hula hooping, 6 minutes of marching/walking,squatting exercises. It worked well for me this morning. I even had chili cooking in the Instant Pot for lunch. I even had a trip to Early’s Garden Center for more supplies. Lunch was ready when we got home.
Tomorrow it might not go so well. A little planning and trying the best sets me up for success. I will have to remember that. Oh, I must not forget the conclusion. I am carving out more rest time. I have learn to stop and not push so hard on each and every thing. It is ok to fall behind when I am tired or short of time. There’s no must or die. Some things are not that crucial.
I’m later than ever. It is almost 8 pm. I hope my American friends are having a safe Thanksgiving. Today we have 299 new Covid cases in the province, with 72 at the Correctional Centre in Saskatoon. It’s nothing to celebrate or be grateful for. I’m starting to feel like a reporter. I have to snap out of watching the numbers. We all need to step up to the plate and do the right thing. It frightens me to listen to those people who are anti-masks. Do they really believe what they’re saying or do they have another agenda? Either way, they are dangerous, stirring up vulnerable people to create havoc. Be careful of stories you tell. If they are not your story, do not repeat.
Now that I got my rant out of the way, let me tell you about my main concern. I feel much more settled and comfortable having decided to stop going to the gym. I don’t have to second guess whether I’m putting myself, family and friends at risk. I can put my efforts into keeping and building resiliency. I am also one of those vulnerable people. I am easily affected by the weather and mood of others. I am easily affected by everything. It is important for me to keep physically, emotionally and mentally fit. I want to be kind and empathic but I don’t want to feel everyone’s pain. I’m not good at either one though I am improving. Sometimes I just have to grit and bear the pain.
I am learning that I have to be kind to myself first. I’ve had a hard time of it. I think that’s the reason for the anger I’ve felt and held so often in the past. It’s been a long while since I’ve felt it. Hooray for me! Free at last. It’s not so easy ‘getting it’. It takes a life time. It really have given me a mental boost in these times. I’ve learned to get up, dress up and show up no matter how I feel. That’s thanks to Regina Brett. These are the things that you still have to/can do even if you feel lousy. You might not be able to do them as well on any given day. If you try your best, you can forgive yourself.
Get up, dress up and show up is etched in my brain. It gives me that boost/resiliency on especially difficult days. And these are those days. Even so, I still find great joy and satisfaction – of getting up, dressing up and showing up – to make a soup from all my garden veggies for lunch, making kimchi and then going for another ski in the park. They were not all masterpieces but they were my honest efforts. I feel proud of them.
If you are interested in the recipe for my kimchi, here’s the link. I throw in different ingredients sometimes. Today I put in Jerusalem artichokes instead of radishes. Making food is very healing – for whatever ails you.
It’s a little after 10 am. I’m trying for a productive day without ruts and moods. But you know what they say. Life never runs smooth. Don’t you just hate these sayings? I do. I’m going to turn over a new leaf and NOT try to remake myself into what I am not. Why fight nature. I should just go with the flow for a change.
Do you know what my handicap is? My moral compass is too high. I always want to do the right thing. I have a hard time doing it though, especially when I feel I have been wronged. It is very difficult if not impossible for me to forgive if I’m not met halfway.
October 1/20
September got away from me. I showed up here only 5 times. I wonder what happened to my motto of no matter how you feel get up, dress up and show up. I could blame it on the Covid. I could blame losing Sheba. I could blame it on a lot of things but I won’t. I fell off the wagon. I lost focus. I lost interest. I lost purpose of showing up. So now I’m starting again. That’s the way of everything, isn’t it? We fall. We get up and start again.
So this is the first day of the October Ultimate Blog Challenge. The goal is to show up each day, write a great post and connect with other bloggers. I’ve been doing the Challenge since April 2014. I showed up every day that first time. Let’s see if I can repeat the performance. Let’s see if I can keep things fresh and not regress into going into the past and mulling over spilt milk.
Lately, I’ve been taking note of what’s giving me pleasure and what irks me. I think I will make that the theme for this month. It’s still just my mumblings about the ordinariness of my daily life. I am retired. I have no business to publicize or push. I am not naturally bent that way anyways. Good luck to everyone. Hope to see/read you each day.
Sunday, October 1, 2017. A new month, a new day. It is cloudy and cool. Summer had its last gasp yesterday. It’s afternoon. I’m finally sitting down with my tea here to tap out my words. I had no time to feel bad or sad today. I was busy bringing in the harvest. Then there’s lunch to make and clean up afterward. The dishwasher is whirling away. The pepper leaves are blanched and draining – waiting to be bagged and thrown in the freezer. They will be good for soups. The green onions will have to sit till I’m ready to deal with them.
Sleepiness is creeping over me. I had a good sleep last night. I had my hot chocolate with cinnamon, ceyenne and nutmug before bedtime. I see that almonds and cardamon can help as well. AND I kept my iPhone out of the bedroom. Returning to bed after getting up to the bathroom, I kept my mind clear of not sleeping. So last night, my strategies worked. Now to keep it up. I have to take heart from each small success I achieve.
Sometimes it feels like I’m just treading water, not getting anywhere. That’s when feelings are talking to me, not reality. And that’s the time to remember my mantra: get up, dress up and show up for the things that I have to do. It’s the breathing in and out, getting out of bed, brushing the teeth and all the other things with good physical and mental hygiene. I have to do that till my last gasp. Working towards excellence.
onethousandandtwo 