STARTING OVER

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

I have a million and one things to do, to fix, to organize, to…. But I can’t get started. Nothing works – not waiting till tomorrow, not after another cup of tea/coffee. And so I pushed it all towards the back of my mind. It hovers and nags at me continuously. I play repeat – wait till tomorrow and now I am making another cup of decaf. My head is a nest of crawly ants and swarming mosquitoes. How to get some relief?

I think of starting over, turning a new leaf, unbecoming myself. I think of my words for the year – be brilliant and resilient. What would that mean? How to get rid of the ants and mosquitoes and be calm and peaceful? I want to be like Patience and Fortitude sitting through the seasons through all kinds of weather, without a sigh or whisper.

Patience and Fortitude, the “Library Lion” statues, in a December 1948 snowstorm – Wikipedia

The first order of business would seem to be quiet and still – to weather the storm, whatever it may be. The question is how? The first thing that came to mind is James Clear’s Book, Atomic Habits – tiny changes, remarkable results. Instead of thinking big, I could think small. I could do one small thing/day along with my #100dayproject.

I like the word could. It has a positive, hopeful ring to it. Could leads to possibilities and not a dead end. I will follow it.

STAYING WITH IT – DAY 78 in a year of..

Day 78, October 8, 2016 @9:24 am

xgtj2464Staying with things is not my forte.  When things get tough/unpleasant, I like to jump ship and abandon.  I have a trail of unread books, unfinished projects and unresolved relationships.  Who doesn’t, though?  I’m proud to say that I have toughed it out and finished reading The Crime Writer – a novel about Patricia Highsmith.  She is described in the Guardian:

She seduced a string of women, bred snails, suffered from severe depression, became an emotionally avoidant alcoholic and was variously viewed as kind, witty, and a nightmare.”

Nothing pleasant in the psychologic study of this woman or her life. It left me feeling as I had after watching the movie, The Talented Mr. Ripley.  But I stayed immersed in the unpleasant, dark and sinister possibilities of our humanness – what our thoughts can lead us to do. Not everything is life is pleasant. Everything is plausible.

I’m hoping this exercise of staying with the unpleasant/difficult can strengthen my fortitude and not run for the escape hatchet tout suite.  I wonder how many opportunities I have missed because I left/gave up too soon.

It’s tough showing up here every day even though I love the tap, tap of my keyboard.  But consistency makes it easier.  It’s becoming a habit.  Habits do make life easier but I still have to make a conscious effort.

What ship have you left lately?  I’m off to search for a pleasant read. It is Saturday, a day to sooth the self.