Tag Archives: doing the best I can

Smoke, Despair and Frustrations

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Photo by Trinity Kubassek on Pexels.com

A very grey and smoky morning. It is dark in the house. It is a day of multiple cups of tea/coffee. I am not fighting it. I am taking care not to fall into despair though it does look like we’re on the edge of destruction. I am comforting myself that we are doing the best we can to lighten the burden on our planet. We have installed solar panels first on the house and then on the garage. We have many catchments for rainwater harvesting. We do not use chemicals in our food growing endeavours or in maintaining our yard.

Rather than sitting frozen with all my worries and fears, I decided to tackle living as best as I can. I changed out of my pjs, sat here, tapped out a few words for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Then I decided I should do a couple of necessary things like booking for my physical and paying my auto insurance. The doctor’s appointment made online caused no problems. Just waiting for confirmation. The auto insurance was stressful. Nowadays getting to talk to a real person on the phone is like trying to break into Fort Knox. I leave a voice message. I get a call back. Then I had to leave another voice message for another person.

All that didn’t do any wonders for my unsteady nerves. It’s taken care of and now I can let it go. I did a few things like doing a load of laundry and dishes while waiting for return phone calls. It’s best to put that energy into something useful instead of stewing in frustration. I might take a tylenol for my headache or I got chocolate cake which might work better.

Meditation Friday (#NaBloPoMo)

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I’m struggling along this road of life, waking up in the dark of another November morning. I’m not at all steady and confident. I have fears and anxieties. Are they one and the same? It does not matter. You get my drift. I am not leaping with joy. I get up anyways, put on my pink fuzzy housecoat, turn up the furnace and head towards my bathroom. Another day of showing up and doing my best no matter what.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not feeling terrible. I am neither happy nor unhappy. I’m in that grey zone of resting and just observing. This morning I sat with my cuppa in the morning darkness, trying not to think, trying not to feel. I’m trying to cleanse my mind and body, letting go of the debris. It works for my computer. When I got rid of all my sites on my browser except the one I’m working on, it works much better and faster. Multi tasking is not good for us/me. Feeling too much is not good for me.

Slow tapping is good for me. I’m enjoying sitting here with it, my fingers on the keyboard, my feet vibrating on Dr. Ho’s Motionciser. I’m exercising fingers and feet. Not yet ready for more. The sun is out. It is 8℃ out. Maybe I will go and have a cuppa in front of the woodstove and catch some rays and serontonin. If I get cold, I can duck into the greenhouse to warm up.

Killing Me Softly

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The jukebox in my head is playing again today. I guess I have alot of songs that need to be sung. The song today is Killing Me Softly. It is a pretty song but I can’t sing it as beautifully as Roberta Flack. Nevertheless life is killing me softly and slowly with its demands. There’s nothing to do but to ride the ups and downs. Everyone is on the same roller coaster. There’s no use whining. I better just pull up my socks and keep my panties on.

I’m doing the best I can. No matter what, I wake up, get up, dress up and show up each day. Some days are better than others. Some days I’m a flying mess. Some days I’m feeling just fantastic!. There are days that are just full and spilling over with everything. Those days I cuss and fart alot, trying to have some fun. Those days, the jukebox in my head like to play Mary Oliver’s Wild Geese. It comforts me alot.

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting–
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

APRIL LOVES – patience and Fortitude

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It’s still April and I’m still in the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’ve missed a few days but have shown up most of the time as best as I could. It has been a hard month and spring, not knowing whether it’s winter or spring from day to day. But there’s always those moments and days when you least expect it, you feel that life is still so beautiful and so worth to put in your full effort. That’s where I’m at right now. Much of my loves have lost their zest, their appeal. They’re not working as well. The words, the photos and the art aren’t quite the same. But I still tap, click and push the pens, pencils and paint around on the page. Though these things have lost their glow, they still soothe and smooth me. I’m always surprised at the end of each process that they still please if not thrill me.

The morning is not a warm one. The sky is cloudy, steely grey. I feel the chill looking at it. But at last the sun is pushing through. The birds are still chirping. It is 1℃ and 11.8℃ in the greenhouse. I’ve already made my morning walk to the greenhouse with some more seedlings. They’re getting leggy in the house. Our little 10×10 greenhouse is getting rather full. Hoping for steady warm weather ahead to heat up the raised beds to take up some of the burden. Gardening will certainly be a challenge given the temperamental weather, me and life. Hoping for patience and fortitude – being steady like the mountains in rain or shine.

I am rather pleased at how my morning has gone. I got my draw/paint and photo challenge done for today. I’m putting the finishing touches on this post. Not spectacular accomplishments but they’re my best for today.

LIFE IS LIKE THAT

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December 12. How time flies away on me. I am late getting to the page. It is harder to get the conversation started. As usual I haven’t tended to all the clutter on dining room table or my desk. My problem is now like an ingrown toenail. It’s a hard fix. I will break the record and not say I will get to it tomorrow like I do every night.

Sometimes I can’t win for trying. In the last day or so, I’ve chipped my chip-resistant earthenware Mason Cash mixing bowl and broke a glass. I did the laundry today. I thought I had gone through all the pockets but apparently not. When I opened the washing machine and pulled out the first item, it was all spotted with little white tuffs. Then I found the messy wet kleenex inside the rubber rim along with a whole pile of yuck. After cleaning it out, I put the laundry through a speed cycle and then the dryer. That did the trick. Only a few white tuffs.

Sometimes life is like that. It is heavy. I try not to take it personally or seriously. Let’s get serious and real. Sometimes there are no shortcuts. Not everything can be done virtually. Somethings are physical, hard and takes time. Like this post. I get ideas and thoughts. Unfortunately, they don’t write themselves. I have to park my butt and tap it out, word by word. It would be better if I had a daily set time. Life and my moods get in the way. I do my best and come to the page whenever I can. Sometimes I don’t make it.

This December has been more difficult than others. This year I am more cluttered than others. I am even having difficulty sweeping everything off the dining room table into a box. Now I have 2 boxes added to the mix. How can that be! Well, life can be like that. I shan’t fret about it. I’m on top of the other stuff. I got my car serviced Friday. The laundry is done today. I baked 6 loaves of bread yesterday. Meals are cooked and dishes done. I shovelled snow for my parents today. I exercised every day. Went skiing Saturday and Sunday and to exercise class this morning. That’s a whole pile of stuff. I will try to sweep everything into boxes tomorrow.

In STUCKVILLE and CLUTTERVILLE

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November 10. It’s strange how easily I’m sidetracked into scrolling and reading trash about aging movie stars. Who are these people writing these stories and what is their agenda in hijacking my and others’ attention? It’s difficult enough dealing my own aging journey – fading memory, hair loss, wrinkles, crickety joints.

November 16. Absent almost a week. I’m still not immuned to scrolling, having just read about the life of Brooke Astor. It is rather fascinating though of what use to me, I have no idea. I seem to have these stuck inescapeable moments of uselessness. Rather than trying to fight them, I might as well ride them out as best as I can. They must serve some purpose somehow. Drat, now I’m caught up in a post about Lisa Marie Preseley.

November 17. Still in Stuckville and Clutterville. My inner world is reflected in my outer world. I shall not fret so much upon everything. It’s a difficult thing to do. The news is full of how much our world is over run by the flu, our healthcare system overwhelmed and lack of medicine on the shelves. This morning I got one of those bothersome phone calls. The voice was ominous, full of dire and threatening if I didn’t know any better. I didn’t press #1 to find a solution. Who are these people preying on the fears of people? How can we discern real information from fake ones?

I shall not try to do any deep thinking or problem solving. My brain is unreliable presently. It is best that I just deal with the bare necessary items essential to having an ok day. Having a set routine is good. I like to play Wordle in the morning with my tea. The exercise is good for warming up my brain. I’m still doing my c.a.r.s. exercises waiting for the kettle to boil to make tea. The reason the habit sticks is because it works and I feel the benefits every day. I can get out of bed every morning without collapsing, feeling fairly limber. I can go for daily walks without pain in my left ankle. So not all is lost. I can still do some good stuff.

I made yogurt this morning and cleaned up right after. I’m finally making some progress with this post. It’s a far cry from showing up every day like I wanted to. But I am showing up when I can. I made an order to Lee Valley. I was late in getting the pie plates on sale. That will teach me to dally instead of acting on it when the sale was announced. I felt the pain at first but it disappeared after I finalized the order. It is just a number. The pie plates will last my life time.

MEMORY LANE AND OTHER TRIPS

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August 18 and 18th day the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I am aiming to improve a little each day by showing up every day and a little earlier. This summer when it isn’t hot, it is cold. I woke up to 10℃ whereas only a couple of days ago, it was 21℃. I have no control over it. I best adapt as all living species have to. It is a good day to cuddle up to the keyboard. Yesterday I travelled down memory lane and Winnipeg in 1967. I will travel again today down the same highway but maybe to a different year and destination.

As with all trips, it will take time to gather my thoughts, memories and photos. I will have to search through my mental bags, find and sort out my stories. My day has taken me to other directions. Those trips will have to be saved for another day. Instead I will talk about the trip I took today. It is out to Sheba’s old haunt in Furdale, the dog park out by the river. She and I had many happy days there in our younger years. It brought back so many memories and feelings. If it had not been for her, I would not have discovered it or wanted to venture there.

It is August 19 and day 19 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Yesterday got completely away from me. I’m still trying to finish this post. So yesterday the guy and I went out to Furdale. It felt strange to go without a dog. This time we went with ice cream pails. We were hunting for chokecherries to make wine. It did not take long to find them. They were plentiful and we went back today for more. I think we got enough chokecherries to make a batch of wine, some syrup and some to give to our friend who introduced the idea to us.

I hope to show up again tomorrow. I will try my best. There’s a lot of chokecherries to clean and freeze. I’m tackling a bit at a time. I have 2 cookie sheets of chokecherries frozen but there’s alot more to be done.

NOT ANY TIME SOON

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September 12/20

It’s another Saturday morning. My Sheba is on my mind, good memories of our time together. My arm is still aching down to my hand from my shingles vaccine earlier in the week. This reminds me of my mother’s experience with shingles. It also started on a Saturday. It was a very, very bad time. Hence, my vaccine. She was very vocal in urging all of us to get it. Thankfully she’s recovered with minimal damage.

Not all Saturdays are equal. I still love Saturdays. It used to be my weekly swim morning before Covid. I’ve adjusted to Tuesdays and Thursdays now. Double the pleasure. I did cancel out twice this week. Apps are so wonderful in many ways. I just push the CANCEL button to unbook my time. No questions asked. It would have been wonderful if there was such an app for work. You wouldn’t have to worry about not sounding sick enough phoning in sick.

Saturday mornings used to be cleaning chore time when I was a kid. We used to live in this small rented house behind our cafe in Maidstone. It belonged to the town doctor. The kitchen floor was worn through in spots. I can still see it in my mind’s eye after all these years. It made for difficult washing.

Sept. 13/20

It’s Sunday and I’m stuck. I have lots to do but can’t seem to find a way to start. Have you ever been here? I was like that yesterday, too. I couldn’t even finish yesterday’s entry. I’ve left it hanging and dangling. Will have to backtrack. What I did do was tackle things that I could start on -like cleaning behind the fridge and stove and cleaning the toilet. I did a load of laudry and picked a pail of tomatoes. So it was not a lost day.

I will have to do the same today. Start where I can. I will sort the tomatoes.

September 17/20

My energy is one with autumn. It is the season for slowing down. I certainly have! I’m resigned to it. I go to bed each evening with new resolves of doing better, doing more. I wake up each morning not wanting to and not knowing how to. There’s nothing to do but do the best I am able to. I will move if there is something urgent. That is how we are built. If there is an emergency, we will bust ass.

In the meantime, I’m putting one foot in front of the other. It’s not as if I am just parked on my butt all day. It just feels so. Feelings can be false. I’ve stuck to my exercise regime – swim Tuesday and Thursday. I did not push the CANCEL button. AND I went to the AM Energizer aerobics class on Wednesday. Hurray for me! My lunch dishes are done. I’ve rinsed off my swim suit and gear from this morning. I’m showing up here, tapping as best as I can. What I really want to do is to fall asleep and wake up energized. I don’t think it’s going to happen anytime soon.

But onward ho!

 

SHINE THE LIGHT

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I’m a little out of love with everything. I’ feeling a bit of a bad attitude creeping in. Let me talk about it. Let me tap it out. I hate to bring negativity to this space but I can’t feel sublime all the time. Feeling the ‘blues’ is part of normal life. It is for me. It offers a rest, a change of pace. I must be veering off my path a bit. It’s telling me I need to make an adjustment, a correction, a change in attitude. It is okay to rant a bit and exercise my lungs if nothing else. Who knows what good it could bring.

The thing that bug me yesterday was I spent an hour and a half at the doctor’s office for 10 minutes with the doctor. What else bugged me was my appointment was for 2:40. I showed up 10 minutes early as instructed. I waited and waited. A young woman walks in at 3:00 and says she has a 3:30 appointment with the same doctor. She was shown in right off – before me and another older woman. When I approached the receptionist about it, all she said was that I will be next. Wouldn’t that piss you off?

I didn’t complain to the doctor about it. He’s innocent. It is the office girls who rule the roost. I got my business taken care of and it was good. It was good that I didn’t get a parking ticket either. I had parked in a hurry and wasn’t sure that I was legal. Do you know how far you’re suppose to park from a fire hydrant? I googled when I got home. In Saskatoon, your vehicle should be at least 1 meter (3.28 feet) from the centre of the hydrant. In which case, I think I was legal.

We’re having a national election on October 21. The campaigns are nothing like the Americans, but still…There’s alot of rudeness and attacking all around during last night’s national debate. They do not set a fine example for young people. Mentors they are not. Difficult to feel hearten and have confidence in our leaders in this political climate. Talking about climate, I’m sick of all the attack on young Greta Thunberg by old and middle aged men. What is their agenda?

Then, yesterday was summer like – 20 degrees Celsius. Warm enough for shorts. This morning it snowed. The temperature was as high as 12 degrees Celsius. It is now 1 degree with a promise of -6. It was none too warm walking Sheba. I was thankful for my YWCA toque which I received for doing the 5K Shine the Light walk. Besides being warm, it would come in handy if it’s too dark to pick up her poop. Shine the light!

Eh! I think I got most the uglies out of me. I feel I don’t have it in me to show up every day for the Ultimate Blog Challenge this time around. I will do the best I can, show up when I can and shine when I can.

PASSION UNABATED

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So here I am, in the late of the evening. I’ve wined and dined. I haven’t come up with the secret to eternal wisdom nor happiness. Needless to say, it has been a tough day, a day of clouds and cool temperatures for July. But I did the best I could. Despite the clouds, my yard and garden glowed in the early morning light. It cheered me, standing on the top step. The path led straight to the garage door. Lao Tzu and the Chinese maiden are standing on duty on each side. I’m waiting for Sheba to finish her morning business. My passion for a well lived life remains unabated.

Nothing was really wrong except for my chemistry. My mood is like the weather. The good, bad and ugly played hide and seek with each other. I let them be, but stepped in as a referee when needed. It was tough and painful at times, almost bringing tears to my eyes. But I got through the tough stretch. The bills were paid and recorded. I thought I would leave sorting and filing for another day. I rewarded my efforts with a hot chocolate and a few pages of my crime novel, Moon Music. Faye Kellerman is my new favourite mystery writer. I find mystery/crime novels soothing and calming because they engage me.

Engagement is the key for me on difficult days. I tell myself, I can, I can. I can change my thoughts and how I speak to myself. I can make lunch. I can make a rhubarb crisp. I can do my art projects. And so I did. The rhubarb crisp wasn’t quite up to par. That was because I decided to make it in a smaller pan with same amount of rhubarb. But after I popped it back into the oven for another 20 minutes, it was okay. My indexcard collage and watercolour turned out superb – in my opinion. I experimented with pureeing steamed lettuce for freezing. I put the puree into an ice cube tray. After they are frozen, I will pop them out and store in a freezer bag. I might be going overboard in preserving veggies, but I hate waste. And we have lots of lettuce. I will see how they will work out in soups and chili.

After that being done, there’s the dog to walk. It’s a pleasure after we get going. A sniff here, a sniff there. I like admiring other people’s yards, their efforts. I am sure they struggle, too. We are all trying. We all have our passions. We are all the same. We are connected by our humanity. Thus I feel comforted in my own struggles along with them .