Empty Nesting

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I am sitting and feeling heavy as a pregnant elephant again. The smoke is gone and the sun is finally out. I am guilty again of scrolling through FB and getting hooked on 2 sad stories. One was the 9 year old girl thought to have been killed by her father. The other story was was about a man who got sucked into a MRI machine and died as a consequence. These news stories added no value to my life. They made me feel worse than I already did. Yet I gave them my valuable time and energy. Curiosity and human nature can be our own worse enemies.

On a cheerier note, I’ve just watched a baby robin on the deck railing. It landed there with its mother. The mother flew off, leaving baby all by itself. It took a few tentative steps, assessing the situation for quite awhile. I could see that it wants to do something but was afraid. Its body language was crying: Mom, where are you? I am scared! I was getting impatient waiting for it to make a move. Mother Robin was sitting on the telephone wire watching also.

After what seemed like an eternity to me, it hopped down the railing, hesitated, then took a small flight and landed on the barbecue. More confident, it flew back onto the railing. After a little look around, it took off in flight before I could sneak up and take a photo. The nest is empty now except for one lonely blue egg, unhatched. I wonder if it is a ‘bad’ egg. There were 5 eggs to start with. We found one egg on the ground earlier in the season. It must have been too crowded and it got booted out. After a few days the egg disappeared. Food for a predator?

The nest is well hidden among the grapes by the sunroom. The grapes have hosted a nest every year. With practice I am able to peer through the venetian blinds and spy on them. This year, I counted 3 beaks reaching for food. Now they’re gone. The nest is empty except for one lonely unhatched egg. Will mom and pop come back and fill it again this year?

Where Did It Go?

Going to the gym is another ice breaker to start the day . It’s a habit now. Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday I would grab my gym bag and head for the door. It helps that somebody else is going, too and doing the driving. It makes it simple and easy. Of course there are times the habit is broken. The time getting back depends on how long I’ve lapsed. Good Friday is not a good enough reason to skip though the temptation is there.

I am sorely tempted to change my website again. I might just press the button after I post this and let things fall where they may. They say curiosity kills a cat. Well, it is killing me and I am wasting time wondering about it. It’s not that anything will get broken, right? It could mess things up but how else can a person learn?

Did I say it’s Good Friday? Sunday is Easter. Time is marching speedily along. I haven’t lost faith but I haven’t felt the reverence and holiness of this time for a long while. I miss it and wonder how I can get it back. It’s been a difficult year of losses. But I am also filled with gratitude for the life that I have and for our world with all its wonders. Of course, there are troubles. There always will be. It’s for us to work together and solve them.

THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN MY HEAD

What I know for sure is I live in my thoughts/head too much. It’s no wonder my world is dark and full hairy green monsters. I’ve lost my love for most things that used to give me pleasure. Coming here to my sacred place is a chore. From experience I know that the tapping on the keyboard is my pacemaker. It will help kick my heart back in rhythm. And so I make the effort. I still possess that curiosity, the need to investigate and fix things. At the moment I’m still intent on fixing me so that I could live with more ease.

I haven’t quite master the art of letting go yet. I can’t quite accept the idea that I am not God, that I am not all powerful. I can’t fix anything and everything. I exert alot of energy and waste my intent on things that I can’t change. It’s burning me out somewhat. I do see that though. Hurrah for me for the small but huge recognition. It’s started me on the road to reconciliation with myself. I am who I am but I can choose to do differently. I do not have to proceed down the same well trodden but wrong paths.

I need not be so hard on myself. I have to implement the nurture part of the R.A.I.N. meditation. I am not good at self love but I’m an expert at beating myself to death. One good thing that I possess is the desire for excellence in living. The spark is ever alive in me – to do my best, whatever is the best at the moment. Today, I’m trying to get my head out of my thoughts. I want to be awake to the light of the day even though it is cloudy. With eyes wide opened, the unamed hairy monsters/fears recede.

So I’m sipping roasted dandelion tea. I threw in some freshly chopped ginger in. It’s a good combination. I savoured the taste on my tongue. Thinking and thoughts are always with me but I need to reside in the physical world as well. I need to move my body as well as my soul. I’m leaving the monsters and fears on the page. Their power over me is diffused as I watch the letters and words march across my screen. It’s time for them to get the hell out. I have lunch to make. The brown rice is cooking in the Instant Pot. All the veggies are chopped and ready for me. I still stir fry them with some ground pork. I cannot survive on thoughts alone. I need real food. That’s what I know for sure.