Tag Archives: contentment

MAKING BELIEVE AND FALLING APART

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Tuesday

I think I need to try a little harder to keep my things and myself together. It’s all very well to say ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’ and ‘It’s all small stuff.’ Even though that is true, all the small stuff add up and you end up with a BIG pile. I have a wee bit more energy today but it’s still a HUGE struggle for me. I am really feeling autumn’s shadow looming over me this year.

But not to despair. I am doing well though it doesn’t feel like it. I still get up, dress up and show up every day for my life if not here. Sometimes I like to take a breather, relax and not work so hard keeping myself together. It’s okay to fall apart. I can put back the parts together again. It doesn’t have to be put back the same way.

Both our vinyl patio chairs chose to break and collapse on the same day. I already have these 2 pieces of wicker but they weren’t being sat on. So why not bring them out? They look like they belong. Things falling apart in this case was a good thing. It made me look for alternatives in furnishings. Instead of going out to buy more of the same, I made use of things I already had.

So I’m struggling. So big fat deal. I will have to fake it till I make it. They tell me make believe is magic. I’ll pretend I have my very own fairy godmother who will look out for me. Who’s to say I don’t already have an angel sitting on my shoulder? I’ve come thus far on my journey. No big bad wolf have gotten me. I haven’t fallen down any deep dark hole that I couldn’t have climbed out of.

Monday

I took a sabbatical and almost lost my way back to this space. I’ve gotten rusty with my words. You will have to forgive my starts, stops and stutters. The good news is my ‘bad feelings’ have passed and I do have much more energy. I surprised myself at how I got things done yesterday. I filled all 6 of our raised vegetable beds with water. I watered the garden. The tomatoes and beans were drunk with happiness. I picked beans and raspberries. Then I cleaned and prep the beans, freezing 2 bags and fermenting 2 jars. Amazing! When I feel the flow, I move with it because it might not happen again for a long time.

I am content in this moment. That’s all I ask. I will take it moment by moment. I will try to keep my mind here. Often I make myself unhappy escaping into the past or jumping into the future. That’s making believe, too and that’s not the good kind. They are bad stories that can destroy my soul. I will stick to Tinker Bell and fairy dust.

 

MY MOTHER, MYSELF

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Another day bites the dust. I am sitting here in early evening. I’m  trying for some profound thoughts but there are none. Some days are like that. If I’m not careful, I might fall asleep at the keyboard. Daylight is muted. A bit of sunshine glimmers above the rooftops, lighting up the yellow of the leaves.

The rain came this morning along with rolls of thunder. I welcomed both. They gave me excuses, if I need some, just sit back, relax and finish my book. I still have those feelings of getting on with the day. It’s healthy to have a dose of both. Otherwise, I could turn into a slouch. I could spend my whole life on the couch. I need those needling feelings to get back on my feet again and ‘accomplish’ stuff.

Not much accomplishments today. I took my parents out to the library and to the mall for coffee after. There’s not much that I could give them other than some time. Every few weeks, I take them to the library. It’s wonderful that it has a small section of Chinese books. My mother loves to read. She still interested to read and learn new things. My father not so much but enjoys the outing.

If there’s anybody that I aspire to be, it would be my mother. She gives me inspiration on how to be, how to live. She teaches me through her story telling. That’s how I’ve learned everything Chinese, the culture, my ancestors, my very being. Don’t get me wrong. I find faults with her, too. Our mother/daughter relationship has had many difficulties like all such relationships. I’ve had my share of ‘I hate my mother’. Growing and maturing has enabled me to understand my mother and see from her point of view. Sometimes, especially in recent times, I feel as if I am my mother.

I never expected to arrive to this space of contentment . But I have. In this very moment I am very at peace with where I am and what I have done with my life. It is very sweet.

 

IN SILENCE AND STILLNESS

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How was your day? Mine’s just fine. It’s sunny and hot – 30 degrees Celsius. By now I’m acclimatized. It feels quite comfortable. The skies are clear, almost blue. No smell of smoke in the air though the fires continue to burn in British Columbia. Out of sight. Not quite out of mind but I’m feeling fine. Most recent mornings, I’m imperceptibly on the verge of tumbling over the edge. But I do have a choice on how I feel to a certain extent.

I do not want to fall into the dark abyss. I pull myself back from the edge onto firm safe ground. Even if I’m not exactly jubilant, I can be at ease. I don’t have to be bubbling over with good cheer. I’m not that way normally. So why fake it? I try to make a habit of putting some efforts to start the day consciously – in my demeanor and speech. Sometimes Most of the time I’m lazy and everything is a reaction, not a response. It’s a sure way of getting into trouble.

I’ll see how this change will work for me. So many things to think of. I wouldn’t have thought that life could be this strenuous. It never lets up nor would I want it to. It gives meaning having to work at it constantly. It gives meaning to the phrase ‘asleep at the wheel’. I have nodded off now and again. I guess that’s how things work. The momentum is ever changing. Nothing stays the same. What goes up must come down.

It’s been a glorious day. The first day in a long while that I could sit out in my special space. No extreme heat nor smoke to mar it. The dog and I took advantage to just sit/lay back and enjoy the moment in silence and stillness. There’s no need for noise. We hope you enjoy your day, too.

THE RHYTHM OF THE FALLING RAIN

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I love the Cascades’ Rhythm of the Falling Rain.  When it rains, it would play in my head.  The simple melody and words falling, pitter-pattering on my mind, soothing and relaxing me.  Yes, it is raining today.  The video could have been shot right here.  It looks so much like my street it’s a bit eery, but in a good way.

The rain brings with it energies of cleansing and renewal for the new growing season.    IMG_6607My seedlings are maturing, pushing their way towards the light.  I am growing too.  I am reaching for the light, for the higher road.  It is not hard to find the way once the darkness is gone.  I wonder why I was so lost and what took me so long.

The rain is still falling – pitter, patter.  The bread is rising and baking.  Soup will be on.  Sheba is content surrounded by all her toys.  Life is good.

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