Author Archives: hafong

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About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

Gardening Woes

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I hate how everything takes time, energy and effort. I’m in a complaining mode already. Not a good way to start the day. It is what it is. I must be feeling the ups and downs in the weather and temperatures. I woke up to 1℃. I wondered how my little tomatoes under the hood of the raised bed. Was I foolish planting them yesterday knowing the low was going to be 2℃? It was useless wondering since the deed was already done.

I need not have worried, for now at least. The tomatoes looked fine. Meanwhile, in the greenhouse, not everything was. The bitter melons, all four of them, had red aphids on them. Then I noticed that the peppers I hadn’t planted also had them. So it was squishing with my fingers and squirting soapy water to wash them off all. Now hoping the bitter melons will survive. Maybe I should start a few more. There’s still time. This is what I get for not paying attention.

To make matters worse, I found the bed of peppers planted a couple of days ago all had red aphids on their under leaves. I’ve just finished squishing them all by hand. The hopeful thing is I spy some ladybugs present. They do eat aphids. I’m surprised to learn that ants and aphids are symbiotic. So woe is me for I do see them in the bed, too. I’m feeling a little/alot overwhelmed. I set a dish of sugar laced with borax to kill the ants. Then I sprayed the pepper leaves with soapy water.

Now I have to sit back and try to relax. I do have alot of pepper plants. I have taken appropriate measures. I have learned a lesson. You can’t neglect without a cost. You have to put in the time one way or another. Some ways are easier than others.

How to do Anything

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I set my goal to change habits in this merry month of May. It would help if I identify those habits that I want to change. One is that is almost universal is procrastination. Today, I finally tended to an email notifying my GIC is almost up for renewal. Well, I was too late. It matured. It didn’t rolled over as I thought it might. It was cashed into my savings acount. In this case it was a good thing. I had intentions of moving it to a different bank. I did not like this bank’s service. Perhaps my account was too small for them to give me much attention. I was ignoring and procrastinating on making a change. This time it was done for me. I am going to use this as momentum in keep moving what I can when I can. There’s no reason to tolerate bad service.

Another bad habit I want to work on is to stop sagging. Some days when my spirit sags, the whole of me do so at the same time. It’s not a good way to be. No matter what, the world keeps revolving. I have to do the same. I do not have to let everybody know how I feel. I can still smile, greet people and carry on as best as I can for the moment. I still need to get up, dress up and show up. There’s a multitude of resources on how to do just about anything. I’m good at checking out resources. It’s another to actually putting them into use. I’m working on that now.

I’m not sagging too badly today because I felt it coming. I want to put a stop to it. When I feel saggy I get up and do something small and easy. I’ve tended to the procrastination. I was too late but I’ve learned from it. Don’t think too much. Just do. I’ve thought out what we will have for lunch. I was feeling overwhelmed with how much gardening there is. I decided not to let my ‘feelings’ drain my energy. Instead I will start to plant a bit in the afternoon and see where it will take me. I’ve done it many times before. What won’t get done/succeed today will happen another time. Take one thing/step at a time. Just give it my best and learn from it.

Amazement

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I am amazed at how bright and hot the May sun is. By 9 am the greenhouse was already 30℃ with shade down, vents and door opened. My sunroom was bathed in bright light by 7 am. It showed every little speck of dust. The sun came through as a cloudy haze. I ran my fingers on a window pane. It was gritty. So it wasn’t my eyes. It was dust.

I am amazed how easy and hard it was to clean the windows. A squirt bottle filled with apple cider vinegar laced water, a dust cloth and a stepping stool were all the tools I needed. Squirt and wipe, squirt and wipe. I am amazed at how many windows I got in the sunroom – 3 wallls. I got hot and sweaty after 1½ walls. I’m tired, too, hopping on and off the stool. I’m having a breather and a cup of tea.

I am amazed at how green and lush everything has grown in the greenhouse the last couple of days. The snowpeas are almost even with the rock wall. The lettuce bushy. The spinach is catching up. The radish are radishing. I planted most of the pepper seedlings in the raised bed yesterday. I will have to repot some of the tomatoes or plant them soon. They are getting spindly and outgrowing their pots. Then there’s the cucumbers and bitter melons. The bottle gourd has not yet germinated. Will it?

I am amazed that Mother’s Day is a week away. How time flies. It will be a year since mom fell the day before Mother’s Day and broke her hip. I remembered the phone call from my father as I was just sitting down at a restaurant with my friends. The rest is history as people would say. I am amazed at her resiliency. Her hip mended. She was still bright, alert and orientated x3. She could ambulate and get to the bathroom on her own. She was still fiercely independent, disliking homecare. But the trauma was too much for her body. Though she didn’t qualify for a nursing home, she did for heaven 5 months later.

I am amazed at how beautiful her tulips are, blooming away for her. I am happy to be so amazed.

Saturday – Changing Habits

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It’s a warm Saturday morning at 23℃. Yikes! It’s 35℃ in the greenhouse. The shade is down, the vents and the door are opened. It’s almost noon. I’ve been a busy beaver with just a small spell of wasteful scrolling. Today it was on Dick York of Bewitched and on how to break bad habits. So it wasn’t all wasteful. Some good came out of it. What caught my eye on breaking bad habits was an article from the Economist. Of course I couldn’t access the whole thing, not being a paid subscriber. Still one sentence saying small rewards and a change of scenery can help. I have to keep that in mind as I tranverse through the merry month of May.

Changing habits can be a good goal for me this month. There’s lots of good tips online besides the ones from the Economist. I will make it easy. I will make it simple. I will give up perfection. Good enough is good enough. It will be my mantra this month. I’ve started May and today on the right foot. I haven’t dropped the ball. Still here, encouraging myself one slow step at a time. I’m not procrastinating as much. This morning I’ve changed the bedding. It’s all washed and hung up to dry. I’ve dust mopped the floor. I’ve cleaned up a small corner in the backyard. Lunch and dishes all done. Good enough for now. Looking forward to an art show later this afternoon. It’s a good reward.

How Time Slips Away

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Isn’t it funny how time just slips away? Here it is after 2 in the afternoon already. There’s still alot of day left and alot of things yet to do. But I feel like crashing. I’m a weather vane. I’m feeling the sudden rise of 22℃ from the cool of yesterday. I’ve already pulled down the shade in the greenhouse in the morning. The vents and the door are opened. And it’s still 30.4℃. I feel limp like the seedlings. They need repotting or planting soon. I will have to find/make time.

Though I know the dangers of scrolling in the morning, I was still drawn in by a catchy headline on the Olsen twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley. What I thought was going to be a short blurb turned into many next, next, next…I never did get to the final next. I managed to curb my scrolling addiction after many minutes and tended to my bread making. That, too, took many minutes but it was a good many-minutes addiction. I ended up with 6 loaves of beautiful golden brown bread. I won’t have to do it again for awhile.

While I was resting from my bread making efforts, I got caught up in a post about the tribute fund for Dr. Sarah Jenkins, who lost the battle with mental health. What is it about such tragic stories that I had to find out all the details? I don’t know her. This is the first time I’ve heard of her. Yet I had to find out everything that I could about her. She was so young, beautiful and vibrant. It was awhile before I could let that go and come back into my own life and day.

My day didn’t totally slip away. I got my 6 loaves of bread made. Making them was harder than going to the gym. It was a better workout, taking up hours of my morning. I had my visit with my father this afternoon. I didn’t do any walking with him. I was tired. It was sunny and hot. He did a little walking with his cane on his own in the backyard. Good enough! I said. I did some watering in the greenhouse. Pulled some weeds in the raised beds. Now I’m finishing up this post. Good enough, I said again.

Keeping the Ball Rolling

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Today is the first day of the merry month of May. It’s a good reason to take up the poem by Thomas Dekker in 1599.

O, the month of May, the merry month of May,
So frolic, so gay, and so green, so green, so green!
O, and then did I unto my true love say,
Sweet Peg, thou shalt be my Summer’s Queen.

April was good and gone. I hope to make May the same. This writing space has been a healing place for me. It’s good to return again and again to tap out self encouragement, self analysis and self care. Lately, I’ve been reading a bit of Ordinary Mysticism by Mirabai Starr every morning. It’s a wonderful book full of treasures. It took me awhile to discover that. A passage from the book:

“Twentieth-century Jewish philosopher Abraham Joshua Heschel said, ‘Our goal should be to live life in radical amazement….to get up in the morning and look at the world in a way that takes nothing for granted. Everything is incredible; never treat life casually. To be spiritual is to be amazed.”

I certainly learned that the hard way this past year with the passing of my mother, the sudden loss of my hearing and its recovery. My whole world and awareness shifted. I learned not to ask why alot and to accept of what is. Like Mirabai says, I don’t have to have all this shit figured out. “The invitation is to notice what comes and bless what goes. To take refuge in groundlessness and rest in boundlessness.”

I love her words. I love words and the music they can create. It is a restful practice to be here, tapping them out and keeping the ball rolling – even without a challenge.

A Celebration Post

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It’s April 30th, the last day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. I’m happy to be here at a happy ending. I achieved all that I set out to do. I kept it simple. I kept it easy. I showed up almost every day, missing just 3. I tried my best. I had a beginning, a middle and now an ending. It was nice to meet some new friends as well as reconnecting with past ones. What more could a girl ask for?

I’ve had a busy day starting with the gym in the morning. I worked the hula hoop and skip rope into my routine. It’s good to challenge myself with new stuff. I’ll see if practice does make for better. Then it was going for groceries and then lunch with my exercise buddies. You know lunch with the girls can last for a couple of hours. I was home for a few minutes when I got a text from my brother. Dad had fallen in the livingroom while he was there. He couldn’t get up by himself but was not hurt. Still I worried.

I went over to see for myself. He was lucky that my brother was there when he fell and lucky he was not hurt. I asked him to show me how he was on the floor so I can teach him how to get up. Good thing I had such good instructors at the Y gym on functional fitness. Dad was a good pupil. He was able to learn how to get into a position so he could use a piece of furniture to get himself up. After all that we had to go to the mall for a walk and a coffee. We ran into Mom’s coffee friends there and the time just went.

I’m home now, sitting with a chrysanthemum tea and tapping a few last words. I’m tired. It’s been a hard year but it’s been a good April. I’m glad I participated in this UBC. It’s helped me regain some peace and mental strength being here every day tapping on my keyboard and reading others’ offerings. Sorting through ideas, words and feelings have dispelled some brain fog. It’s good to be able to think clearly again. I feel blessed to be here now.

Thank you Paul for giving us this special place.

These Moments

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I took a 2 day vacation from the Ultimate Blog Challenge. My income tax return was calling me with urgency. I was not keen but I knew it was best that I gave it my undivided attention. I’m glad that I did. I am now breathing easier. I knew from past experience it was not a terribly hard or lengthy process. Still, I go through these moments annually with it AND often with other issues. These moments of feeling impending boom – from putting off, procrastinating,thinking of the worst possible scenarios.

I haven’t push the review and optimize and send buttons yet. I’m there but I am still procrastinating. At least the feelings of dread are lighter. I’ve gone through piles of papers the last 2 days. I’ve investigated how long I need to keep certain documents and made a pile for shredding. My head feels better, not as fuzzy and befuddled. I saw that I was organized once upon a time. At some point, I dropped the ball. I do not berate myself. Life is hard. These last couple of years have been very hard. I’ve done the best I could. Some things are more important than others. I prioritized.

I’m still experiencing some of these moments. This morning I got lost in scrolling through news of our federal election. I skipped my morning meditation and writing my morning pages. I realize I could lose my whole day scrolling through this and that. It’s a time waster but somehow it is a soother. I used my will power to curb my instinct and looked towards other more useful means of pacifying myself. I got off my butt and washed the dishes by hand. I found the physical act of washing by hand calming and have been doing it for awhile. Next was the dust mop on the kitchen floor and sweeping up the crumbs form our meals.

Now, I am tapping out the last words for the second last day of this challenge. I feel it is important to finish what I had started.

Operation Income Tax

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Photo by Nataliya Vaitkevich on Pexels.com

It’s a sunny Saturday morning. I’m preparing a face off with my income tax. I had been filing my own when I first started working. Then my brother became an accountant. It made sense to let him do it for me. I took it back when I retired, thinking it would be good for my brain. My brain does need a regular workout. It’s lazy, always taking the easy way out. Anything that needs a bit of reading for instructions, my eyes glaze over and I would dump it in the moment. Years of this bad habit have landed me in a big mess, my head full of nettles.

It’s a good time to make some changes, do some work on this lazy brain of mine. With the tax deadline of April 30th breathing down on me, I’m making a start. My desk is covered with so much dust and paper clutter. I had to fix all that first. I tried to rid some of the stuff and not just move them from one spot to another. It is hard. So much mental hanging-ons. But now I’ve cleared my desk top so there’s room to breathe.

I’ll just sip a little tea and breathe before moving to the next step. After all, Rome was not built in one day. I have till midnight Wednesday to complete the job.

Tsunamis and Tidal Waves

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I am enjoying a bit of good energy and vibes this morning. It’s such a relief after yesterday. I have been warned about days where grief can hit you like tsunami or tidal wave. I am not even sure if it is grief. It came out of nowhere yesterday morning. I was hit with such a bad feeling. It was hard to swallow, think, to move. I wondered how I could carry on, breathe, cook, clean, write my post. I worried about my father’s health. He is after all, 93, the same age as my mother. I don’t want to be responsible for for his health/life. It doesn’t seem fair and I am a little ticked off at my mother for leaving us – and without a manual to guide us.

It’s a bit strange but most times I don’t feel her death. She’s just not here. And with her gone, I feel the many losses of our family. There’s no one to call me by my Chinese name except my father. I just realized that yesterday. It makes me feel somewhat heart broken. And there will be no one to ask or talk to about our home village and all things regarding our heritage and ancestors. My father still has a remarkable memory about all that though he has not been back since he left as a young man. I was drowning with all these thoughts and guilt on things I didn’t do.

All things do pass. I was able to get beyond my emotions and put one foot in front of the other. There’s life to be lived and things we have to do. No matter how we feel, we have to get up, dress up and show up somehow. Some days are better than others. Today is a better day. I thought out what I want/have to do and the best of how and when to do them. Progress is slow and minuscule. I see results and I am happy with them. I’ve been to the gym this morning, planted all the cauliflower and harvested lettuce from the greenhouse for lunch. I am a happy and relaxed camper.