Tag Archives: transformation

UNBECOMING MYSELF

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Beginning anything is hard until I make a start. Do you find it so? Well, here I am. I’ve tapped out the first line, starting the second. Really it would be so easy to stay in my comfy loveseat and sink into Tami Hoag’s Cold, Cold Heart, a thriller. I’m captured after a few pages and so surprised to see it got lots of bad reviews. I have dropped Ali Smith’s Winter for now. It’s beginning is depressing as everything was dead! “God was dead: to begin with. And romance was dead. Chivalry was dead. Poetry, the novel, painting, they were all dead, and art was dead. Theatre and cinema were both dead. Literature was dead. ” I’m having trouble getting into it. I will persist a bit longer. It got alot of good reviews. Go figure!

My week got off to a good start this morning. I made it to my exercise class after a 2-week absence. I was relieved to learn that someone else had the same malady I did of extreme fatigue. Even though we had no cough, etc. it was a flu of some sort. I was feeling a bit of a fake, doubting my own physiology. Was I just depressed, wanting to avoid/escape things? Good to know I was not. So I didn’t push myself too hard. As long as I was moving my body, it was good enough. I have to remember that I am no spring chicken. Moderation in everything.

Winter is still under my skin. Two more days left in February. I’m trying to get past everything. But I am sick of listening to myself whine and whine. How can I stop? How can I unbecome myself? What don’t I like about myself? Those are hard questions to answer right now. Right now I am envious of everybody else. Seems like ‘they’ are much ‘better’ than me. I know, I’m seeing through wintry late-afternoon sunglasses. My outlook can change any time soon – maybe tomorrow. But in the meantime I can give some thoughts as to how I would like to see myself. What parts do I want to rid? What do I want to incorporate? How can I become undone? Where is Tinker Bell when I need a transformation?

DOING THE HUSTLE

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One of these days I will have to hustle my ass and get with the program. I’m always lagging behind, dragging my butt. I’m continuously just treading water and not getting ahead. Wish it could wear off pounds and inches. That would be getting ahead.

I could just pretend I’m that energetic girl. They say you can fake it until it becomes you – if you want. December is a bad month to fake it but it is also the perfect time. I don’t think I am alone in my tiredness. Someone else whispered agreement along with me this morning. We’re all faking it until we make it. A relief I’m not alone.

Sometimes I feel like such a rebel rouser, a bad mouthed, sorry ass gal. In these times I see the world with jaundiced coloured sunglasses. I try to keep these sentiments to myself. I guess the secret is out now. Better here on the page than a verbal diatribe. The written word is much gentler than a shout or rant. But most of my ragging are against myself. It’s all about me. I hope at the end of it, I’m more mellow and positive. I always hope for a transformation.

Yes, it is hard to keep with the program. I try not to rain on others’ parade. This morning I was stepping along with everyone else in our step aerobics class. I wondered how our instructor keeps motivated. What if she was feeling like me. How does she carried it off then? Well, I am recalling there were some days that she was not so together. She lost track of some maneuvers, etc. We are all the same – human. A big sigh of relief. I listened to the beat of the music and kept my body parts moving. That matters. You get the same results however much you enjoy or not. Even if I felt shitty, at least I would be looking trim and fit.

ON TRANSFORMATION

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I had given up espousing on Reverb15 for awhile.  I took it as a sign when I stopped getting Kat’s emails.  I needed a rest anyways.  But after a couple of days, the emails came back.  It was another sign.  So here I am again…Today’s prompt from Lisa Sadikman.  She writes:

You wake up and the light through the window seems different, the air carries a chill or maybe a hint of warmer days.

What has changed? You? The world?

It can be a change that happened this past year or one you’re looking toward in the time ahead. It can be a broad sweep obvious to all or a more subtle shift that only you know about.

Tell us about transformation. 

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December 13th.  The mornings are oh so dark in the northern hemisphere at 7.  The house cold before the thermostat was turned up.  I had to turn the lights on to read Margaret Atwood with my tea before breakfast.  After, I stood to stretch and to do my qigong routine as on most mornings.  Darkness had receded somewhat and I could see out the windows.

IMG_3783I saw the spruce trees and wondered how they grew so big.  I remembered planting them with my mother when I moved into the house. They were mere saplings then.  Now, they towered above the garage, way up high in the sky.  How immense!  How impressive!  Just as life is.  Those thoughts came to me out of the blue – like text messages from Instagram, lighting up my iPhone.

I look at the spruce trees now and again throughout the day.  They form a canopy over the two buddhas below. One is in serious contemplation, while the other laughs at it all – darkness and light, the yin and the yang, all of life’s catastrophes and comedies.

These things, ideas, realizations come at me like ping backs, whatever they are. I’ve been called eccentric/weird before – for reading ‘weird’ books, for buttering my toast with avocados, for being just me.  I would not be insulted if you find me weird now.  What else would you call someone that has things coming telepathically?

When I see the spruce branches quiver in the wind, I’m reminded again of their enormous size, their grandeur.  I’ve grown them in my lifetime.  Isn’t that amazing?  Isn’t life amazing?  Isn’t it amazing how you can change how you see things in an instant, in a blink of an eye?  I am so happy that I am ‘weird’.