Tag Archives: reflections

MAY MOMENTS – thoughts and reflections

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There’s not much of May left. I thought I better make time for some thoughts and reflections. My heart and mind are not co-operating. They are not peaceful or restful. Hurry up, hurry up is reverberating through my head. This heart of mine is on a fast beat. I feel restless and unsettled. I did the 18 movements of my Quigong routine to soothe it. Perhaps I should have drank chamomile instead of ginseng tea. Ginseng seemed like a good idea at the time. I thought it would give me more energy and concentration and I do have a lot of ginseng.

No matter. I need to get on with the program. The rhythmic tapping of the keyboard seems to be helping. It’s like acupressure for my fingertips. Do whatever works is my motto. The simpler the better. And don’t overthink everything. I am good at thinking up solutions but it’s another to follow through. Isn’t that true for most of us? We know what we’re suppose to be doing for our own good and the good of others and the world. Knowing and doing are two different things. I’m working on bringing the two together.

It’s no easy task. And today it is especially difficult as my brain is all over the place. It is hard to focus, to pay attention to the now. But that doesn’t mean I couldn’t try, put in an effort and get some results. It’s much like trying to rid of those troublesome bluebells that’s overtaken my front yard. Last summer I spent hard labour covering them over with newspaper and cardboard and mulching them with grass clippings and sawdust. After the recent rain, their roots have crept through any cracks and holes and my nicely mulched area is dotted with their green leaves. I felt very defeated and overwhelmed but not enough to let my hard work go to naught. I spent an hour peeling back the covers and pulling them out by the roots. That’s what I would have to do – be regular and persistent.

The day is overcast. I’m feeling the clouds and pessimism. I can’t help it and don’t fight it. Feelings are real and not real. I can still move and do no matter my emotion. I’m exhausted but not frozen in. I can still breathe. I’m not thinking very well at the moment but I’ve made a list of solutions for a problem. I’m craving for something sweet. It feels like an impossible task but I think I will hoist myself up and make some muffins.

——————-

I survived yesterday. I was able to hoist myself upright and made those muffins. What felt impossible was possible when I decided to start – one step at a time until the task was done. I did not think the whole picture – how many steps and how much time was involved. I surprised myself with success – 17 pumpkin muffins and everything cleaned up after. I even made soya sauce chicken in the Instant Pot for supper. It felt good to overcome my mental and physical fatigue. I will store that feeling of success for future use.

It is 7:30 on a Sunday evening. The day has been mostly cloudy with short spurts of sun. I’m not quite as exhausted as yesterday. I had a good rest having succumbed to sleep before 10 pm. I should not doubt myself or feel so defective because I am so sensitive to the weather. It is a very real physical thing. It is ok not to be on top of the world all the time. Last night it felt so delicious to hit the bed, close my eyes and sleep.


REFLECTIONS

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December can be dangerous – for me at least. The days are shorter, the nights infinitely long. Then there’s the snow. Just when you’ve adjusted to it and the cold, a warm front comes along. The snow melts. You welcome the not shivering and bundling up but the world is grey and muddy. I find myself longing for the snow to clean and lighten my world.

Christmas comes along to add to the challenge. “Tis the season to be jolly. Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la-la-la. I was born serious and quiet. I was never jolly. It does make me feel obliged to go ho, ho, ho! I still have this bad little girl feeling inside.  I’m so serious and somber. I was criticized by those ‘aunties’ in China when I was a child. She speaks so little, they would say to my mother. That was how I was. How can I unbecome myself?

The answer came later in my young adulthood. I became a nurse. It was not to help mankind. My motive was I was bored working as a steno in a large office. I was searching for another career, one that would help me get over my quiet/shyness. A hospital would fill all my criteria. It answered all my wildest dreams – in a sense. I certainly developed a gift for chatter and a backbone for sure. Then there’s the anxiety.  We won’t speak about that today but it has gone. Thank goodness and knock on wood.

There are so many landmines in December. Even my iPhone is intent on tripping me up. No Internet connection, it tells me. Can’t use Google Map. I think I can find my way. How hard can it be when it’s only 13 minutes away. I’ve been there a few times already. I was wrong! My 13 minutes turned out to 30 minutes. But I got to see the countryside, blue skies, red barns and horses. Maybe someone up there knew I needed to get out of the city if only for a little while.

What I know for sure is that I am lousy at directions. On not so copacetic days, my sense of direction is even worse. I can’t even get myself out of a wet paper bag. Getting lost is not a big deal. Google Map is a good friend. If the iPhone is malfunctioning, turn the power completely off. Then turn it back on and it will work like a charm. It redirected me back on course. I have to give myself a pat on the back for persevering with my day, following through with my errands. I could very well have thrown up my hands and abandon ship.

On some Decembers days, my head is thicker and my fuse is shorter. It’s good to see myself reflected in the glass doors/walls I walk by. Not only did I get lost hopelessly going to Costco, but I didn’t realize I was pushing 2 shopping carts as one. The Costco greeter asked: Do you need 2 carts? Well, no. We had a good laugh and so did another customer.

All’s well that ends well. I have to echo Mr. William Shakespeare. I ended my adventures for the day at one of my favourite spots on 8th Street – A & W. The bright colours and big windows reflect comfort, ease and cheerfulness. Seeing the orange/gold orbs hanging down, I felt a Fa-la-la-la-la rumbling deep within. And maybe a ho! or two.

 

UNRAVELLING BACKWARDS

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I’m writing on a prompt from Kelly Letky aka Mrs Mediocrity.  It is from #reverb13.  Kelly writes:

Forward is the only direction.
The mirror never lies, but everything in it is backwards. 
Look at what you see in the mirror. How does it change if you view yourself with eyes that can only look forward?

unravelling_300pxIt’s 4 days after Christmas and 3 days before the new year.  It’s a good time to look ahead and also good to look back to where I have been this past year.  I spent some good time this afternoon unravelling 2014 with Susannah Convoy’s Unravelling the Year Ahead.

Yup, I got brave and looked in the mirror. I dared to see myself as I am today.  Then I looked behind me, at all the backwardness and awkwardness of my past self.  I tell you, it was not easy but I am glad that I did it.

So long I have lived in my head, dancing to old tunes and singing old songs.  I did not know that they were no longer in vogue.  I did not know I was dancing and singing alone, out of step, out of tune.  I was like a marionette without a puppeteer.  I was a dangling conversation without a theme.  I was out of control.

IMG_2142On this cold winter’s day/night, it is good to sit in the warmth of my home.  It is good to sit and reflect.  It is not all about doing.  Sometimes we have to stop and take an inventory of the past year.

  • What did I have in abundance?
  • What did I lack?
  • Where was I going?
  • Did I get there?
  • How did I get there?

Those were some of the questions I answered.  It was accounting for where I had put my energy in 2014.  I discovered uncovered aspects of myself I had not known or acknowledged.  It was a time of tallying the debits and credits to balance the books. How else can I plan for a successful 2015 if I don’t come clean?

The night is getting on.  It is time to close the books.  Tomorrow is another day for more accounting.

REFLECTIONS

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IMG_6102Here I sit at the end of the day, trying to tap out my few words.  It is dark already and I don’t know what to say.  Maybe Mr. Moon can shine his light and guide me.

Some days/nights are like this. You have to take them as they come.  Acceptance is the word.  It is something I still/will always have to work at.  It is not a bad thing.  It means I am trying – trying to do better but not perfect.

I sound like I’m making excuses.  Maybe I am.  I am comforting myself.  You have to do that once in awhile.  You know your tender spots the best.  Go ahead.  Tend to your wounds.  Dress them with tender loving kindness.  Smile upon yourself for you are the child in everyone.  When I see you, I recognize myself.  So I am sure when you see me, you recognize yourself.

We see ourselves reflected back in each other’s eyes.  Perhaps if we look long enough, we can have a conversation and speak from our hearts instead of our minds.  Who knows, we might surprise ourselves and become friends.  What would we do then?

REFLECTIONS

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Sometimes I have to step of my skin.  Sometimes I have to step outside of my life and see my reflection in the mirror.  What do I see?  Who is that person looking back at me?  Will I like her?  Would I be proud to be her?  Would I want her for a friend, daughter, sister, employee, nurse, my life partner…….?

I’ve been caught in a swirl of rote, unable or unwilling to step off the treadmill.  I’ve been trapped in this cul-de-sac of life, doing by memory, living by habit, afraid to do different. Now that I have seen myself and my life reflected back at me, it is time to act.  It is time to do different.  It is time to do better.