Tag Archives: paying attention

RIDING THE BUDDHIST BUS

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A bright sunny January afternoon. The temperature is still frigid at – 32 C. No complaints from me. I’m enjoying the last of the afternoon sun, tapping on my keyboard and sipping on a decaf. My busy Wednesday is over for another week. I’m doing proud. I’m staying on top of things. With a temperature of -36 C this morning, I did entertain thoughts of staying in pjs, having cups of hot chocolate and staying home.

I didn’t. I dressed up, bagged up and did the gym thing. I could have been more enthusiastic but I wasn’t. It didn’t affect the results. It was a good workout. Lots of sweats without smiles. Then it was home to cook some rice in the Instant Pot, throw some hamburgers on the frying pan and tossed a couple of slaw salads. I make do with what I have. I surprised myself with how organized I was. I caught the Number 6 bus to the U of S without having to run for it.

I’m making progress! Half way through the month/challenge, I have not faltered. I’m dotting all my i’s and crossing all my t’s. It feels good to pay attention to details, rules and such. I aspire to be as calm and unrushed as the instructor for my class on Buddhism. Even though someone banged on the classroom door, poked her head in and loudly ask if he will be done in 10 minutes, he kept his calm demeanor. Was not upset. Did not rush but calmly finished within the time. He is a Buddhist as well as an instructor.

It is very helpful to have a living person to emulate. More so when he is right in front of me. I’m paying attention, trying to catch all his words. It’s a perfect place to practice focus and listen. My mind tends to wander and meander every which way. Has it always been this bad? I find it difficult to concentrate. My ears are listening in different directions, my mind and brain thinking in another.

TAKING THE QUIET TRAIN

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Apparently I’m having trouble writing for Day 12 of my writing challenge. I’ve left it too late in the day. Now I am tired. Spent the day on phase 1 of making sourdough bread. It’s a long, complicated process. To make it worse, we had a water outage from 10:30 to late afternoon. I had to stretch my water supply from my brother. Lucky he lives close by and on a different water line. So here I am, scratching my head, trying to find some words.

Someone just told me that Environment Canada has issued an extremely cold warning. Ugh! I knew something was up – a change in the weather again. I can always feel it in my bones. Here I go again, blaming the weather. I might as well. It’s nothing personal. If I blame people, they take offence. I have trouble keeping my thoughts to myself. I think it would be good if I learn to keep my thoughts to myself more. If it serves no purpose at all,  those thoughts should be silent. It is a bad habit that I talk so much. It’s a leftover fault from years of being a nurse.

It might be hard to believe but I was a very shy and quiet person. Then I became a working person – a waitress, steno and lastly a nurse. All of these professions are in the service sector. It’s obvious as a waitress that I had to be social and engaging with customers. I was a steno in the Dept. of Indian and Northern Affairs. It was a large department, consisting of 40 employees. I was a steno in the education section. My job was to issue education allowances for the post secondary students. My desk was right in the steno pool besides the xerox machine. It was a high traffic area. I got to chitchat alot. As a nurse, I worked in a large teaching hospital. Just think of the staff – the nurses, doctors, lab people, medical students, nursing students, cleaning staff, consultants, physio staff, rehab staff…… So you see, I had to chit chat with a lot of people. And I did.

Even after 6 years of retirement, I still have this gift for gab. It’s not all good. It’s not all bad. I just see now that I have to sort them out, which to keep, which to toss. I don’t have to voice everything that pops into my head or mouth. I’ve been accused of giving voice to stuff that other people would only think. That is unkind and not true. I have better judgement than that but then maybe fatigue could cloud thinking and loosen tongue. I think maybe that was a voice of jealousy and envy. But I am grateful for that voice. I pay attention.

RETHINKING EVERYTHING

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Chicken strips again! It’s easy and it’s good. Pop them in the oven and voila! 20 minutes later you have food. It does get tiresome after awhile, never mind the electric bill escalating with daily use. But what do you do when you have those gift cards from M&M? After this week is dealt with, I will have to rethink lunches and EVERYTHING else.

It’s mostly with how I deal/not deal with stuff. I often catch myself wondering why I avoid/dread doing things that’s not difficult. Why can’t I bend over and pick up that book or whatever that fell on the floor? Why can’t I wipe the dust when I’m looking at it? Why do I dread appointments of every kind? Clearly I need to change my feelings toward tasks. If I delete the words dread and procrastinate from my vocabulary, would I delete those feelings from my psyche and body. It’s worth a try. They deplete too much energy from me.

It’s a miserable windy and snowy day. See, I’m paying attention. I’m changing the way I talk. I’m deleting negative feeling words from my speech. I’m enjoying my cup of tea. Sheba’s next to me on her bed. She’s not at all objecting on missing her afternoon walk. Sometimes we just have to give ourselves a break. It’s good to take a load off our feet. I’m tapping out the kinks in my head, neck and shoulders. It’s helpful to unload onto the page. Less wear and tear on me.

I did good this morning, doing all the hard, yucky, don’t-want-to-do stuff. Ooops! I slipped, letting the negatives in again. Clearly it is the way I talk that contributes to my malfunctions. I enjoy all my hobbies – gardening, sewing, baking, painting…They all involve steps. Some steps are more enjoyable than others but they are all necessary. I have to accept the whole package. I have to re-think and re-think them in a pleasant way.

 

FROM A WHISPER TO A SCREAM

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It’s the end of March. It’s messy and melting outside. Nothing pretty about it – icy muddles and dirty snow. Seems like there’s always stuff for me to bitch about every month. I can hear someone asking, Are you ever happy? Probably not! Want to make something out of it? I demanded back in my head. That’s what I like about having my own space for conversations. I get to say what I want without interruptions and corrections. It is very difficult in the real world. Have you noticed that? I’m guilty of it myself. I try very hard to stay quiet and let the other person speak for himself, how he sees, how he feels. I can just listen. I don’t have to offer answers, solutions or opinions.

I’ve had a few difficult days with hip pain. It sure woke me up on how much we take things for granted – like getting in and out of bed/the car, getting up from the chair, turning over in bed. The list goes on and on. I discovered that everything was painful and tiring even just sitting. I should have listened to my body even when the signal was soft and quiet. But no, I only heard when the pain screamed at me. It got my whole attention then. I went on an internet search for answers and solutions.

I am lucky. I found some. I incorporated some of the stretches in the above video with some strengthening exercises. I do them in the morning, afternoon and before I go to bed. I still have some discomfort but I can roll on both sides in bed. This afternoon I am able to climb up the basement stairs using both legs. Hurray!

I’m in a better mood now. Things are improving. I am getting better and wiser. I rid my week’s activities of everything except absolutely necessaries. That alone took a lot of pressure off my hips and allow me to heal faster. Now to apply that philosophy to other areas of my life. Indexcard art and quilt squares remind me to keep things small and slow. Life in bite sizes. There is no rush. Savour everything.