It was a cool breezy August 2nd this morning. I had to close the vents in the greenhouse. It quickly warmed up now almost at noon, I can still enjoy my tea and a cool breeze in the shade. I’m facing the back alley and have my laptop on my lap. I feel irksome with life and still mad at dad. I feel like one of those parents who lectures their children. After all I have done for you, this is what I get!

I will not lecture him. It will not do any good except make me feel guilty. He will look contrite like a whipped puppy. I will feel abusive and that will suck all the joy out of everything. He always say he won’t go down the basement anymore and not go outside. Then he does. I know that and have no problems with it. You can’t tie him up. But does he have to do these things just days after getting out of the hospital? Does he need to go down the front steps at 8 o’clock in the morning? He’s been told many times for many years not to go out so early in the morning. He has COPD. The dew and pollen count is highest in the morning. Then he tells us he fell.

Lucky for him and us that he was not seriously hurt and got up using his cane. There was no witnesses to the event. All this makes me wonder how I will be at his age. I wonder why he is still so restless, getting into scrapes. Why can’t he be like other seniors sleeping in and nodding over their porridge in late morning. Last winter or winter before last, he locked himself out of the house in the middle of winter – taking out garbage. He had no coat but he did have his phone. It was me again who had to rescue him. I asked him why he had to take that little bit of garbage out when he had been told not to in winter. We can do that for him. He said the garbage bin was just a few steps out the door.

I am taking note on how not to be when I get into my dotage. I have no children or grandchildren to drive crazy. I do have a savings account plan for such an age. When the time comes I will check myself into a care home. Perhaps it is time to think of such matters. I am sure that not everyone is on the same page. Therefore, I have to chill, not stay mad and do things to make myself happy. Nobody else can or will. Now, I have some peas to blanch and freeze.