Tag Archives: lack

SMALL WANTS, FULL LIFE

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It’s that time after lunch again. The gruesome cleanups and put aways done. Tomorrow is Black Friday, the day after Thanksgiving in the USA. It must be Thanksgiving today then. I wish all my American friends and relatives a Happy Thanksgiving. It’s strange that we celebrate their Black Friday. Why don’t we just do the same with our Thanksgiving? We can just pick a date in the middle somewhere.

I don’t usually participate in the mad shopping frenzy of Black Friday. But we’ve just roasted a ham in my cheap roasting pan of many moons. It is hard to clean and does not have a rack to drain the fat off. Lately I’m  wondering why I am so thrifty and maybe cheap. I can overcome my Chinese genes if I give it a go. So here’s to practicing.  I’ve ordered a Lagostina Roaster at 70% off. Pretty good deal, heh? I wonder how they could afford to do that. Who cares. I am still getting my being thrifty fix.

I’m getting my afternoon sleepy eyes. Best to put the kettle on for a cuppa. Maybe I better hang up the wash first. Breaking up jobs/chores is a good thing. I get to stretch, get a little exercise and refresh my brain. It makes the day/life easier. I’m rediscovering the joys of not multitasking. I’m enjoying putting the dishes away, one at a time. What is the rush and how busy are we really? Does a full life mean that literally – full of stuff and to do’s?

I have to confess that I DO envy the beautiful people and their beautiful full lives. Who wouldn’t, looking on? But if I was to have all that, would I like it? I like some emptiness in my space and my time. I like room to move around in. I like X large T shirts. There’s room to breathe in them. I don’t have many friends. I can handle only a few. I can’t deal with crowds. In essence, I have the perfect life for me. It is not that my life is small. It is I have small wants.

my sister and mother

It is not material things that I coveted. I never had birthday parties and presents. We didn’t celebrate Christmas in the early years. It was not in our Chinese tradition. I wonder if the way I grew up made the difference. I never felt the lack. Later in adulthood in conversation with my sister, I learned she did. She talked of our growing up in poverty. I was shocked. I had to ask my mother if we were poor. Of course!was her reply. We only had dried anchovies to serve with the rice. Your father would bring home a piece of meat and I had to make it last.

I still live like that – making things last. I’ve never felt poor. I’ve never gone hungry. In some ways we were rich. We had a roof over our heads and we got educated. Education was the thing my mother stressed and valued most. She did not have an opportunity to go beyond grade 3 in China. In my opinion my mother is very educated. I am sure she got her PhD in Life.

 

 

FROM WHERE I STAND

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P1040700

From where I stand. #aprillove2015

From where I stand today, I see that I still want perfection.  I still long to be better and more – than what, I do not know.  Even though I was born in China and have stood at the center of the world at Cape Three Points, Ghana, I still feel I’ve been nowhere. The lack I feel is endless.  I recognize that. I accept them.  They are just feelings. They are not me.  I am whole as is.  I am where I’m suppose to be. Here. Now.

what I know now

#AprilMoon

I know that now.  Had I recognize that years ago, what would I tell my younger self?  I don’t know and if I did, would I believe myself?  So from where I am standing or sitting today, it is best to get up and get on with life.  If I had known better, I know I would have done better. If I could, I would, wouldn’t you?

Thank you again to Susannah Conway and Kat McNally for your prompts.

 

THE GHOST OF CHRISTMASES PAST

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Last night I heard the first of July fireworks through our bedroom window.  I felt a little left out, like Cinderella leaving the ball early, losing her glass slipper in her hurry.  It reminded me of all the Dominion Day celebrations of my childhood – of being left out.  I was that child, face pressed against the window, outside looking in.

July 1st would find most everyone down at the Maidstone Sports Grounds.  I never did know what the celebrations involved.  If it was not a Sunday, our cafe was opened.  Even if it was not, it was unlikely my father would take the family.  My mother knew no English then.  We were not part of the community socially.  We had the cafe.

Isn’t it funny how these feelings of want linger on?  They come out still, years down the road.  That child in me has never gone away.  It’s not that I don’t like special days or celebrations.  I know I am suppose to but I never knew how.  So I am uncomfortable with the unfamiliar.

charley brown xmasBeing immigrants, we did not celebrate the same occasions or in the same ways as everyone else in our small town of 600 people.   We did not exchange presents at Christmas, but we did have a Charley Brown kind of tree one year.  I thought that it was because we were poor.  We did not have birthday parties nor presents.  Instead, my mother made us a special treat for a meal.  Christmases and birthdays enhanced my feeling of being left out and being different.

Being different is something I value now, but not then.   The left out feelings are faded, though they still reared their ugly heads now and again.  At least now I understand their source.  I try to be a little kinder to that little immigrant child in me.  I try not to blame my parents for any lack.

They did the best they knew how.  We never went hungry.  They gave us a good education.  We grew up, became adults with successful careers and productive lives.

IMG_1248Now we do celebrate Christmases and birthdays with all the trimmings like everyone else.  And I wish for simpler ways.  How age change one’s perspective!  Now that I can fulfill whatever want that I thought  was missing, I have no want.