THE GIRL I WANT TO BE

This morning I sat with Melli O’Brien and Jack Kornfield for the Mindfulness Summit’s session on how to integrate spiritual life with everyday life. It’s good to review and revisit the sessions from October 2015. When things are going well, I tend to forget and drop my practice of being in the moment along with my qigong routine. It’s when I’m in distress, I grope my way back. I have done this time and time again. I am sure I am not alone.

It took some effort to quiet my mind to sit, watch and listen. Like Anne Lamott says: My mind is like a bad neighbourhood. I try not to go there alone. Oh, I wish I had written that! She talks like I feel. It’s great that someone else has the same feelings. I don’t feel so alone in my ‘badness’. It’s a conundrum why I feel this way. The only explanation is I am vocal about my feelings and opinions. It’s what is advocated – be open, be honest. Yet when you are I am, I get feelings of disapproval. Maybe I’m just thin skinned. I cannot help being who I am – open and honest. I do know the word tact. I was well brought up.

It is ridiculous that I feel this insecurity in this stage of my life. Why am I still seeking approval from anyone? Am I not grown? Am I not responsible? Am I not independent? Of course, I am to all of the above. What I am seeking now is freedom from this feeling of ‘badness’, of not being enough of this and that, of being at fault for everything. I am seeking peace of mind and NOT  approval.

I am sitting in mindfulness. I close my eyes and try to picture the girl I want to be. Peace and contentment came over me. I do not really see a girl. I felt her. I felt her goodness, kindness and generosity. I am not a bad girl at all. Please do not transfer your feelings onto me. Give me a break.

CONFIDENCE BUILDING SUNDAY

A lovely sunny Sunday!  You couldn’t ask for a better day to go for a bike ride.  Can you believe it?   I haven’t been on my two-wheeler yet this year.  I can always blame it on the late spring and all the rain.  But the fact is, I am a bit of a scaredy cat.  I always worry about falling.  That, of course, preordains my fate.  I blame my fear on my childhood.  It’s a catchall for every insecurity and fear under the sun.

When I was a child in China, the bicycle taxi was our main transport if it was too far to go on foot.  When my mother visited her parents in their village, it was too far for me to walk.  I was too heavy for her to carry all the way.  She rented a taxi for us but it was her luck to get the same driver numerous times.

He was no Lance Armstrong.  He had no skill.  He shouldn’t have been driving/riding a bicycle at all.  In fact, he did get fired, but not before the damage was done to me.  He instilled the fear of falling in me!  Inevitably, somehow, he, the bike and us would end up off the road – in the ditch, among trees….Thank God, my mother was smart enough to tell him to let us off first when we got near water.

Here I am years later, the fear of falling still resides in me.  It doesn’t help that I was into adulthood when I taught myself to ride.  I would always rely on the curb to push myself off and to stop.  That limited my riding range and enjoyment.  Curbs are not everywhere.

IMG_7379It wasn’t till last year that I took some classes.   I’ve learned the proper way of starting up, stopping and dismounting – without curbs.  What a relief it was to discover that there is time to come to a stop and then dismounting.  I had thought you had to do both at the same time.  Quite often before, I ended up dropping the bike and hopping off.  Sometimes the bike and I dropped!  So no more of that now!  No more scraped hands and other body parts.

IMG_7363After a lengthy absence I still have the jitters starting off.  Can I push off successfully and remain upright? Will I remember how to shift gears?  Can I find the brakes?  What about the traffic?  And on and on. There is no stopping the mind except to push off.

This afternoon off we went – pushing onto the streets of Saskatoon.  We came to traffic lights and stop signs.  We passed ‘GO’  to Broadway and double scoops of ice cream cones.  No drips, no falls, no scrapes.  Just some exercise, sun and a lot of sweetness.