WHAT CAN I DO?

Sometimes if we ask ourselves the right questions, they can propel us forward instead of sinking in our personal mud holes. I asked myself this morning what can I do. What can I do not to slide backwards? What can I do to become the person I will like? What can I do to be a positive instead of a negative? What can I do? What can I do?

What can I do? was my echoing cry. Not much really. I am not capable of gigantic leaps or heroic deeds. I am helpless and hopeless amidst the shakers and movers of the world. I am but an inchworm inching along life’s path. I am unseen among the shining stars on the world’s stage. So I pound my chest and ask, What can I do to matter?

I hear no answers. There is but dead air. So I scratch my head and think for myself. I have to matter to myself. The next question is what matters to me? What brings a smile to my lips? What makes me feel generous? What makes me want to give of myself? What makes me feel soft and kind inside? What makes me cry? The questions bring more questions. They are stirring the pot within. I feel the broom going round and round inside. Answers swirl within, some articulate and some not. I am not yet prepare to see and acknowledge them.

I have always felt so urgent at fixing things – as if I must. As if my life depends on it. Now I am questioning myself. Does anything need fixing? And is it my job to do so? Can I just leave things alone? I can. I can let the pot full of questions sit and simmer for awhile. Let them answer for themselves. That is what I can do.

 

 

TWITCHING – Day 97 in a year of….

Day 97, October 29, 2016 @3:10 pm

img_8072I don’t mind telling you that I have trouble sitting still with it all.  I have trouble accepting things as they are.  I have this twitch in me that I should fix things, fix you, fix me and our relationships.  I feel that everything is my fault.  I know, of course, that I am not all that powerful.  But knowing and feeling are two different things.

I have this twitch that makes sitting with it all very difficult to do.  Sometimes I have to get up and make myself a cup of tea.  Other times like today, I get up and take Sheba to the park.  I went missing for a couple of hours. Eventually I have to return to the heart of who I am.  I cannot fix everything. Some things are not fixable.  Some things are better left broken – till they are ready to mend on their own.

img_8246My urge to fix is gone.  It’s okay to let things unfold without interference.  I don’t have to rush in.  I can just sit.  I’ve lived through that moment of needing to.  They will get easier with each sitting with nothing to do and no where to go.  Just sitting with my breath and my mindfulness teachers, Melli O’Brien and Jon Kabat-Zinn.