Tag Archives: disillusionment

REFLECTIONS OF

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I’ve given myself a good shake to come back to this space. Though disheartened and disillusioned, I still believe in my mantra. No matter how I feel, I get up, dress up and show up. So here I am, in front of the keyboard, with my cup of tea, doing my tap dance. I do so love the sound of the dancing keys. I love seeing the letters, words and sentences march across the page. I love both the song and the dance. May I have this dance with you? Will you stay with me as we waltz around the page, exchanging thoughts and ideas?

Perhaps today is not a good time for reflection. It is difficult to see clearly. We are covered with smoke from the fires burning in British Columbia. The province has declared a state of emergency with close to 600 fires burning. If I am finding my world dark and smoky 2 provinces away, I can’t imagine what it is like there or in Alberta. For that, I am grateful. Still, it is difficult to think that we can carry on as usual. Our sky is broken. Our air is acrid. Our planet is in danger. We are living in climate change. That is quite clear now.

So – I’ve got my lament off my chest. Let me try to move on, if only with one-foot-in-front-of-the- other speed. I had such hopes this morning of ‘getting things done’. It is Saturday, my favourite day of the week. However, it didn’t take long before I was marooned in my emotions. What can I do? This is me. Can I unbecome myself? It’s best that I feel all that is in me, good and bad. Now I’m ready to come out the other side.

We went for our walk, Sheba and I, in the smoky haze. It was still good to get out. We encountered 2 other furballs, 13 years and 14 years old. Sheba is the 12 year old. They were all very well behaved. They wagged their tails in salute, gave a bark or two. Then we all moved on. A neighbour came out to tend her garden. She remarked that it was hard not to think that everything was coming to an end. We both agreed that there’s nothing we can do except to carry on.

Yup, the world looks a little surreal – a bit Stephen Kingish. We walked by the outdoor swimming pool. The water was oh so blue and pristine with the lanes roped. Empty – except I did spy a staff walking around the corner. There were cars in the parking lot but not a soul seen. Eerie. Get over it. Get on with it. I’m going. Gonna get on with my challenges and projects.

 

LATE NIGHT RANTINGS

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I am feeling sad tonight having read someone ended a beloved pet’s suffering.  I have also learned today that an old friend has passed away.  His suffering has also ended.  It is hard, nevertheless, for those left on this side of life.  I am sure God will forgive me my tears. They are coming down in the dark of the night.

I am still wondering what is it all about, Alfie?  Will I find any answers?  Life has tricked me into believing that it gets easier with age.  I have not found it so.  It has been harder. Life has caught me unaware and unprepared – to grapple with all these complexities of modern, New Age living.

It was much easier when I was young.  I went to school.  I did my chores.  I obeyed my parents.  I respected my elders.  I respected my teachers.  I listened to their wisdom.  After all, they’ve lived longer than me.  They knew a few more things than I did.

Not so anymore.  Children can divorce their parents.  You dont always seldom get respect from the younger generation.  They have this sense of entitlement – they know better.   They are better and it is you who should listen to them.  Sometimes we tiptoe around them, afraid to lose their love.  They are the ME generation.  I am, of course, generalizing. I am making the mistake of putting them all in the same basket.

Experience has made it difficult not to generalize and take things personally.  It would take a better woman than me not to do so.  I am ranting my deficiencies in the silence of the night.   I am exhaling my poison.  I am also remembering those other youths.  I should not lump them altogether.  Some are wonderful, loving and knowing – more than we know.  They know the word respect.

Respect, saving face is of utmost importance to the Chinese.  I should know.  The teachings of respect is ingrained into my very fabric.  My mother has done a good job with me.  I am grateful for it.  What are we, without respect?  We all crave it and yet so many of us are so reluctant or unable to give it.  Pity!  Regardless, I do respect myself.

Forgive my late night ranting.  I am but momentarily disillusioned with this thing call life. I am sickened by the wrongs and woes of the world.  How can I not be when I hear news like Jian Gomeshi and stories like Rhtaeh Parson?  Then there are all the killings and wars. I could go on and go.  How can I keep my spirit up and my heart intact?  Down which road has humanity gone?

I am only a simple Asian woman in her middle years.  I have no answers nor solutions. Tonight I can only rant.  But tomorrow is another day.  Hope is just around the corner.