I’ve learned many things from my mother but not her orderliness nor calmness. I’ve gotten a little better at both but it’s nothing to write her about it. It is indeed a life long learning journey. I’ve found every single step difficult. I’m not expecting it to get any easier. Once I get over one hurdle, another one shows up. It will end when life ends. I suspect that’s the way it is suppose to be.
Given that, I wonder if
we I’ve been going at life erronously. I’ve been working doggedly at doing everything and behaving properly. It could be that I’ve been too proper all these years. I’ve had a broom up my arse, walking forever on a tightrope, always doing a balancing act. What if I could have loosen up a bit, let my hair down and lose some face? What possible things could have happened if I had except have more joy?
They say there’s no point in what ifs and could haves. Done is done. Now, what and how? I’ve been thinking. It’s dangerous. It makes me paranoid. But I’ve been thinking that we’ve been sold the wrong bill of goods. There’s so many pitches on feeling good, being happy and all that. What does that mean anyways? It makes me feel inadequate and a failure. I’m often doleful. I seldom feel blissful or euphoric like the ads for antidepressants. If I have, the moments are not long enough to run slow motion through a meadow of flowers.
Should we be in such pursuit of these feelings? I know I have but have failed to achieve. I’ve come to realize at this moment, that it is not possible to be physically, psychological or spiritual pain free all the time. Bad things happen. Accidents happen. Bodies age. Good things happen, too. It’s the flux of our lives. I cannot avoid these things. I cannot avoid pain or suffering. I cannot take a pill for everything. I cannot push everything under the rug. I have tried. It didn’t work for me. Then I stopped chasing after being happy and feeling good. I let the shoe drop. Nothing terrible happened. But my fears stopped.
Funny that I have been thinking about passions today. What’s funny about it? I was bored. Maybe that’s what led me to be thinking about passion. I was lacking and I want it back. I could say that well being and happiness are on top of my passion list. I’m sure that they are on everyone’s. Not that I am unwell or that I’m unhappy, but I have found both quite slippery and evasive. They’re always slip sliding away. I’m tired and fed up with their elusiveness.
The wind continues to blow. It sounds like some old lady whining. It sounds like me. I woke up with a bad taste in my mouth. I felt ‘unwell’ for lack of a better description. I’m tired and fed up with myself, too. It’s not how I want to be. I decided then that I was not going to put up with it. No sirree. You know what? I felt better after making the decision.Sometimes it works. Now the trick is to sustain it.
I thought I would give it my best thought shot. I’ve read Breaking The Habit of Being Yourself a couple of months ago. I must apply what I’ve learned. No point in just gathering and hording. I must use the information. I must move. I must think different thoughts. I am well and physically fit. I can work up a sweat in my exercise class. It is good for my heart. There’s no need for worry and fear. I will not break nor collapse. I will get stronger.
It’s a start. Not only am I trying to think differently. I will also try to speak differently. It will be difficult. Another slippery slope. I recognize it. After almost a life time of thinking, speaking and reacting in certain ways, it will not be easy to break the pattern. But I have a thirst for learning. I am willing. That is the purpose of life for me, to learn from mistakes. I’ve never been able to stay down for long. I never knew how. I always get up. I must have a passion for living.
It’s getting late. I must head off to bed. I find I can get to sleep easier if I go early rather than late. Perhaps I can come back tomorrow with more on passion. What are your thoughts on passion?