I’ve learned many things from my mother but not her orderliness nor calmness. I’ve gotten a little better at both but it’s nothing to write her about it. It is indeed a life long learning journey. I’ve found every single step difficult. I’m not expecting it to get any easier. Once I get over one hurdle, another one shows up. It will end when life ends. I suspect that’s the way it is suppose to be.

Given that, I wonder if we I’ve been going at life erronously. I’ve been working doggedly at doing everything and behaving properly. It could be that I’ve been too proper all these years. I’ve had a broom up my arse, walking forever on a tightrope, always doing a balancing act. What if I could have loosen up a bit, let my hair down and lose some face? What possible things could have happened if I had except have more joy?

They say there’s no point in what ifs and could haves. Done is done. Now, what and how? I’ve been thinking. It’s dangerous. It makes me paranoid. But I’ve been thinking that we’ve been sold the wrong bill of goods. There’s so many pitches on feeling good, being happy and all that.  What does that mean anyways? It makes me feel inadequate and a failure. I’m often doleful. I seldom feel blissful or euphoric like the ads for antidepressants. If I have, the moments are not long enough to run slow motion through a meadow of flowers.

Should we be in such pursuit of these feelings? I know I have but have failed to achieve. I’ve come to realize at this moment, that it is not possible to be physically, psychological or spiritual pain free all the time. Bad things happen. Accidents happen. Bodies age. Good things happen, too. It’s the flux of our lives. I cannot avoid these things. I cannot avoid pain or suffering. I cannot take a pill for everything. I cannot push everything under the rug. I have tried. It didn’t work for me. Then I stopped chasing after being happy and feeling good. I let the shoe drop. Nothing terrible happened. But my fears stopped.



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