Tag Archives: anger

BEWITCHED AND BEDEVILLED

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IMG_6680Mmmm! So delicious, the first sip of sweet and spicy Chai.  The morning is grey and wet – misty rain falling down.  The forecast calls for ice pellets later on.

Nice I had sunny yesterday to reflect on.  I haven’t felt so well, so myself in a long time.  It was as if I had been possessed by forces far greater than I can fight off.  I was bewitched and bedevilled.  Go ahead.  You can laugh and roll your eyes.  I felt what I felt.

IMG_3643Yesterday, I felt free, the weight lifted off me.  I smiled and grinned like a Cheshire Cat, basking in sunshine.  I felt the meanness leaving my bodily.  I tasted the nastiness as it made its exit.  I bade it a cheerful farewell.  And don’t you come back no more, no more, I sang.

I know that is wishful thinking.  I know it will visit again.  Next time I will be stronger. It will not gain an easy entry.

I should not speak so hastily.  Certainly it is not wise to read about politics and the mayoral campaign in Toronto.  I’m feeling incensed and anger is bubbling up my throat. How can I not, watching candidate, Olivia Chow questioned about her suitability because of immigrant background?  Judge for yourself if it doesn’t smack of prejudice of skin colour.  At another rally she is told to go back to China.

I’m feeling Olivia’s anger. I’m feeling our sisterhood.  I better be careful.  The witch and devil are already at my door with broom and pitch fork.  Hate and anger are not constructive.  They lead to more of the same.  They eat at your soul.  I better move on. Olivia, I am sure, is made of sterner stuff.  She has been in this game for some time.

 

 

AIN’T NO MOUNTAIN HIGH ENOUGH

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I am ignited by Anne Lamott’s post on perfectionism this morning.

” There’s a whole chapter on perfectionism in Bird by Bird, because it is the great enemy of the writer, and of life, our sweet messy beautiful screwed up human lives. It is the voice of the oppressor. It will keep you very scared and restless your entire life if you do not awaken, and fight back, and if you’re an artist, it will destroy you.”

I am fighting back.  Her words stir so much emotion in me.

” Do you mind even a little that you are still addicted to people-pleasing, and are still putting everyone else’s needs and laundry and career ahead of your creative, spiritual life? Giving all your life force away, to “help” and impress. Well, your help is not helpful, and falls short. “

I do mind – a lot.   Years of anger and resentment are boiling inside my deep cauldron.  There’s threat of it spilling over and scalding me.  I breathe deep and slow.  The boiling subsides, the lid closes. The danger passes and I am safe, again.  No use letting my self-anger hurt me more.

“My pastor said last Sunday that if you don’t change directions, you are going to end up where you are headed. Is that okay with you, to end up still desperately trying to achieve more, and to get the world to validate your parking ticket, and to get your possibly dead parents to see how amazing you always were? “

IMG_0515Be smarter!  Do not fall back into your old patterns.  Do not beat yourself about yourself.  So I go into my Wonder Woman persona to lasso in my anger and to turn it into energy to work for me.

Who needs all this anger?  But when it comes, you have to let it in, acknowledge it, feel it, use it, turn it around and then send it on its way.

Thanks to anger’s angst and Wonder Woman’s magic, I have moved a few a little mountains in my world this morning.  It is not that I have to work harder.  I have to be a little smarter and a little more flexible but most of all, a little kinder to myself.  It is important that kindness starts at home.

But being a woman, daughter and a nurse, I’ve been taught it is holy to be out there for others.  I’m seldom home for me.  Thank you Anne Lamott for all your words.  I love you.

 

MY NEIGHBOUR’S KEEPER

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Be the change you want to see.  -Mahatma Gandhi

I am once again struggling to be better than what I am.  I am trying hard, to rise above myself, not to go where I have gone before….in judgement, righteousness, anger.  This being Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent, I am setting on a new course, a new way of behaving.  I am being the light I want to see.

I see the snow from my neighbour’s garage heaped upon my garden.  Already I know that there will be flooding under my deck this spring without the extra helping.  I do feel a sense of resignation.  How many times have I already asked her not to help me out with her snow, even though she thinks she is doing me a favour?  But I see her hanyman on the roof and call out to him.  He would not acknowledge me till my second attempt, stating he will clean it up.

I was happy to hear that.  Sounded too easy.  It was too easy.  The cleanup was this.

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What to do?  I refuse to go to anger.  I have been there too many times already.  Each time I go there, I hurt myself more.  I poison myself more.  I reach into myself, remembering the first lesson from a Course in Miracles, and I say:

This pile of snow does not mean anything.  That house next door does not mean anything.  That person does not mean anything.  All these things does not mean anything.

My feelings of helplessness and resignation dissipate.  I see my neighbour’s face from my kitchen window.  She sees me.  Our eyes meet.  Her face is full of darkness.  I do not want to add to her darkness.  I do not want to feel her darkness.  I am not her keeper.

The snow will melt.  Maybe there will be flooding.  Maybe my foundation and basement flooring will get damaged again.  Those can be repaired.  Darkness in the soul cannot be so easily remedied.  Let me walk in light.