Be the change you want to see.  -Mahatma Gandhi

I am once again struggling to be better than what I am.  I am trying hard, to rise above myself, not to go where I have gone before….in judgement, righteousness, anger.  This being Ash Wednesday, the beginning of Lent, I am setting on a new course, a new way of behaving.  I am being the light I want to see.

I see the snow from my neighbour’s garage heaped upon my garden.  Already I know that there will be flooding under my deck this spring without the extra helping.  I do feel a sense of resignation.  How many times have I already asked her not to help me out with her snow, even though she thinks she is doing me a favour?  But I see her hanyman on the roof and call out to him.  He would not acknowledge me till my second attempt, stating he will clean it up.

I was happy to hear that.  Sounded too easy.  It was too easy.  The cleanup was this.


What to do?  I refuse to go to anger.  I have been there too many times already.  Each time I go there, I hurt myself more.  I poison myself more.  I reach into myself, remembering the first lesson from a Course in Miracles, and I say:

This pile of snow does not mean anything.  That house next door does not mean anything.  That person does not mean anything.  All these things does not mean anything.

My feelings of helplessness and resignation dissipate.  I see my neighbour’s face from my kitchen window.  She sees me.  Our eyes meet.  Her face is full of darkness.  I do not want to add to her darkness.  I do not want to feel her darkness.  I am not her keeper.

The snow will melt.  Maybe there will be flooding.  Maybe my foundation and basement flooring will get damaged again.  Those can be repaired.  Darkness in the soul cannot be so easily remedied.  Let me walk in light.

About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.
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  1. zachandclem says:

    Oh my God, I’m angry just READING this! You’re pretty big for trying to accept this, without second thoughts or tucked away rage. The light’s right there reflecting from that heap of snow………… 🙂

    • hafong says:

      Thanks for your kind opinion! It’s easier since I’m doing it for Lent. I have gone over the edge a few times with her and it is really not worth it. It just made me hair standing on end crazy. 🙂

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