Monthly Archives: August 2024

Changing Thoughts and Talks

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Life is a messy business. It’s the excuse I give myself for being such a messy person. But it’s not a good enough reason not to make an effort to create a bit of order. I have to make space, create an opening so I can see where I’m heading. The best time is in the present moment because later never happens. What I can do is just try my the best, however big or small that is.

And so it is another morning, another new beginning, another chance for me to change, to do different. How great is that we all have this opportunity? I don’t have to stay stuck in the mire of old habits and thoughts. The old cliches of that’s the way I am or who I am are not cast in stone. I can change my vocabulary to “that’s the way I used to be” and “that was the old me”. I will change my thoughts. I will change my vocabulary.

Morning is the best time for me. I’m at my most positive and productive self. Towards noon, which is the present moment, I start getting stuck. I start scrolling and searching for solutions or just about anything that are of absolutely no use for me. So I know it’s time to walk away and do something else – like getting the laundry out of of washer and making lunch. The computer can be a dangerous device. Walk away.

Willy Nilly

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I’m still procrastinating but I’m also still trying to overcome. It’s not easy while I’m surrounded by gizmos for distraction. I’m no better than the kids. If there’s a button to push or scroll, I will do it. After many minutes, I wonder what my purpose was. Is there a pot of gold/knoweledge/wisdom at the end? No. So after all that I’m tapping on my keyboard to find my own wisdom.

I’m finding that my concentration power is ever decreasing. It’s difficult and painful to sit and read every word of a post/article. That’s one valuable thing I’ve learned this morning. Though I try to concentrate, my eyes and mind cannot be still. They flit ahead to the next sentence and paragraph willy nilly. It’s not good. I have no order in my surroundings or in my mind. I have/want to get my mind back. I have/want to stop pushing/scrolling willy nilly. My life time is getting shorter. I don’t want to be a robot.

Pirouettes by Mark Nepo

Some days, the simplest tasks
seem weighty and endless:
make the bed, tuck in the sheet,
make the coffee, stir, and drink,
find the bills, pay the bills.

Some weeks, the days blur:
get on the plane, get off the plane,
get in the car, get out of the car,
sign in here, sign out there.

Then, I got your email saying:
Isn’t this all a blessing?

We get to make the bed
and tuck in the sheet.
We get to make the coffee
and stir it and drink.

I emailed you back:
What’s the difference?

You called me up and said:
“Oh my friend, if we can just
keep falling down and getting up,
it all becomes a dance.”

Of course, I’m still procrastinating. I’ve written the above words many days ago. Never finished. Never published. I could have, should have. All the could haves and should haves don’t mean beans. I talk about a new plan. I really don’t have one. I’m still going at it willy nilly. I can’t help but feel a little down-in-a-hole-I can’t get-out-of.

It’s another day. I’m still working on this piece. I have to remember that it’s end of August. It’s still dark at 6 in the morning. I feel the darkness in my bones. It’s part of my nature. There’s nothing to do but keep moving, breathing in and out and keep on tapping on my keyboard. I am sure I am not alone in this.

My New Plan

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In my last post, I talked about making a new plan on stopping procrastination. I’ve been procrastinating and there’s no plan, new or old yet. No surprise there. I haven’t been sitting on my ass. I’ve been busy with gardening, fall harvest, blanching and freezing peas and beans. I am busy all day, most days. When it comes to keeping things in order, my mind and brain clouds over in fatigue and pain. I can’t seem to deal with it and make a start.

I walk away. I go outside. It seems easier to weed, water, harvest. I find those things soothing. But, of course, there’s all those things left unattended niggling at the back of my mind. They weigh and eat away at my peace of mind. The plan is I must make a move, pick up something, throw away something, dust something, just do any one thing to get some momentum. The first move is damn hard! It is painful! But it eases off once made.

My first move yesterday was taking the hand vacuum to the sunroom floor. It’s hard to understand but getting started was so hard that it brought tears to my eyes. The floor has many days of dropped crumbs, dust and what-have-yous. There were obstacles in my path, so I had to do some pick up and moving. Since I had the vacuum in my hands and I noticed that the window screen was dirty, I gave it some suction. It didn’t do a good job. A wipe with a damp cloth was much better. All that didn’t seem so hard after. It didn’t kill me. The clean floor and window screen made me feel better.

But I was faced with the same difficulty this morning. But it was easier getting over the fatigue and pain of getting started. I’m here. I’m tapping. I’ve dealt with one piece of paper. Don’t laugh. That’s a big deal for me! Let me try for a few more and then call it quits. Tomorrow is another day.

50 Ways of Leaving

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Paul Simon’s 50 Ways of Leaving Your Lover has been playing in my head lately. It’s August and I’m moody again, or still. It is one of the things I like to leave behind. But Simon does not really give you 50 ways of leaving. I counted only 3. What a liar.

You just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free
Ooh, slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don’t need to be coy, Roy
You just listen to me
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don’t need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free

It is possible to leave a lover but unfortunately it is not so easy to leave myself. I yam who I yam, says Dr. Seus. But I could make a new plan. I’ve been trying to do that for how long now? Procrastination is another thing that I want to leave. The thing is I’ve been slipping out the back and hopping on the bus for a long time. Now I have to stop and make a new plan. How often have I said that already? It’s hard to believe myself. I am getting quite angry over it plus other things I don’t want to bring to light.

Anger can be a good catalyst to blast me out of my moodiness and procrastination. It got me out the door and tackled the creeping bellflower problem in my front yard. It is amazing how much energy it gave me. In less than an hour, I pulled a few of those creepy bellflowers and poured a bag of last year’s leaves and a bag of smelly grass clippings over the bad areas. Now it is looking like this. Not too bad, eh?

I’ve found a good article on how to stop procrastination. Not that I haven’t read anything on the subject before, but….At least I’ve written this post. Have been trying for days. I have paid insurance policy on the house and registered for an online class – President’s Lecture Series: Curing the World’s Diseases. These are a few things I’ve done to feel good about. I’m not totally stagnant.

Life is Difficult

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M. Scott Peck wasn’t kidding with his first line in The Road Less Travelled. Life is difficult. I have found that it’s never perfect and seldom smooth. Some days I’m falling asleep in early evening watching my favourite crime show. Other nights, like last night, I could not sleep past 2 am. Not too many days ago, we were sweltering in +30℃, sleeping with all the windows wide opened. Now all the windows are closed and I’m snuggling in my old pink fuzzy housecoat.

Talking about M. Scott Peck, he wasn’t so perfect either. Checking him out, I found that his first wife was Lily Ho Chinese. From an article in the Guardian “He spent much of his life immersed in cheap gin, chain-smoking cigarettes and inhaling cannabis, and being persistently unfaithful to his wife, who eventually divorced him. He also went through estrangement with two of his three children.” He sounds like a scoundrel. I wonder why he and his book were so successful. I have to read it again. It’s on my bookshelf.

I do wonder if I have been reading the wrong books, worshipping the wrong heroes and tripping down the wrong paths. How is one to know though? Having arrived here at this point in my life, I think it wiser to choose the easier and well trodden path first. It would be easier going and retreating. It would save time and energy to begin anew. It is hind sight and too late for me. It’s what I would advise if I was asked but who listens to advice. Not me.

So here I am, not exactly stuck and not doing terribly. I am just tapping and bitching. It helps me in the process of letting go. It’s never easy for me. I hang on and hang on. Thoughts and feelings swirling around like a snow globe. It is how I am. I can learn to a little better but it is my nature. It does me less harm if I tap it out rather than forcing myself into being perfect and never stray off the path.

When the Going Got Tough

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Just like that our heat is gone – for now. The nights are mornings are cool. This morning the sky is overcast. I feel autumn in the air. I also feel a dip in my mood and energy. It is not restful but such is life, the ups and downs. I’m on my third cup of tea/coffee. When feeling in doubt/restlessness, I drink. Good thing it is not alcohol or else I’ll be in trouble.

This July’s Ultimate Blog Challenge has been my worse showing. I’ve only shown up 13 days out of 31, a little more than a third. When the going got tough, I left. I don’t feel bad about it. I’m finally learning to ‘let go’ and not strive and strive like my old self. I would have liked to have done better but taking care of myself was more important. It was a conscious decision. But it is good to come back and do some kind of finishing and wrapping up.

Thanks to Paul for organizing the challenges and all of us who participates. I will in all likelihood join in the next one. It’s good practice for the brain and community.