Monthly Archives: December 2022

WEIRD AND WONKY

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Dec. 4. Good evening. It’s another day. My happy feelings have disappeared, leaving me feeling like a hoax, a liar and a failure. However, I am here, showing up rain or shine, in good times and bad. I heard somewhere that feelings are not real but they sure can feel bad. I shall see if I can tap dance them away.

My weakness is that though I know better, I tread where I shouldn’t. I am a truth seeker. Being such it is hard to dance around the edges, hoping for the best and not wanting to know. Now that I know more, I am not feeling better for it. But so what? I’ll live and tomorrow will be a better day. There’s always consequences to any action we take.

It’s December. It’s the darkest month of the year. Christmas is 3 weeks away. People are shopping and decorating. I envy them their joy. Christmas has not worked for me for quite a few years now. I miss and grieve for the joy and reverence I once had. Moments like this, I miss Sheba the most. She was always next to me with her soft animal body.

I’m feeling a tad better now that I’ve cried onto the page. Feelings are deceptive sometimes. Maybe it is just my SAD (Season Affective Disorder) talking. Or maybe it is just the weather. We were having -30℃ weather a few days ago. Then today we had a balmy -3℃. If I can blame the weather or a disorder, I’ll take it. It’s better than blaming myself.

Life is just a little weird and wonky nowadays. I shouldn’t take everything so seriously. I should lighten up, relax and be a little wonky myself. I would probably feel better.

HAPPY AGAIN

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December 2. Good evening. It is another day. I am happy again. How it came about, I don’t know. I feel as if my heart got a gentle shower of energy and converted back into happiness rhythm. I am grateful. It pays not to give up and give in to my moods. I did not fight them but accepted them for whatever they are. I gave them their space for they are a part of me. Perhaps I need them to do better and be better than what I presently am. I can become static and dull with contentment. 

My moods are my friends. Without them, I might not push myself outside for my daily ski. Movement and exercise calms my restlessness and irritability. They help me to sleep at night. No matter how cloudy or grey the day is, it is always brighter outside. Cross country skiing is just the ticket for me. It gets me out. Sheba used to do that before she went to dog heaven. I have many happy memories of us running and jumping for joy on the frozen river.

Now I have my ski in the park instead. I seem to thrive in the cold. l’m out most days. I was out today in – 25℃. It did not feel cold. Instead I felt pumped, breaking trail again through fresh fallen snow. I am challenged and excited learning a new physical skill. I’m getting better and stronger, making a straighter track. I went once around the park, twice around, then three. It was just me, the trees and the snow. It was quiet and serene. It was heaven.