I think it is silly of me to insist that I feel better when I don’t. It is pretty hard to ignore the crazy stuff that is happening – the Epstein Files, the rants from President of the United States, and the wars he has caused.These are serious times and I feel seriously affected. I am not respectful of myself if I don’t allow myself to respond to these events with whatever feelings that come up. Similarly, losing my mother is a serious loss no matter how old she was. It is natural that I am sad. I know life goes on. I am happy she is not suffering any more but I can still mourn the loss. It is ok that I still feel sad now and again.
There’s no need for me to apologize for being human. There’s no need to fix anything.There’s no need to pull myself up by the bootstraps. Things, along with feelings, somehow evolve on their own. There are things that we do not have control over. Just when I am feeling the lowest, I noticed that my peppers are starting to germinate. I’ve been starting seeds for many years now. I am still surprised when I see a speck of green poking through the soil. I worry every year that they won’t. It is such a wonder to see every spring when they do.
Though life may look bleak and the world seem to be on the brink of disaster, I can still feel moments of wonder. I feel ok and normal with all my feelings. There is still tomorrow and I still have words.
I overdid the skiing today, going twice around the golf course. I was aiming to increase my endurance. I know I cannot get any faster. I know I am a tortoise. I felt pretty good after my second round. No sweat! I thought even though I was quite sweaty. I was counting on relaxing and stretching in our mobility class at the gym shortly after. I didn’t count on our instructor changing things around. The mobility class was yesterday. Today’s was on upper body which was not stretching or relaxing.
I am physically tired but I am relaxed after a long soak with epsom salt. My brain is too relaxed and a bit mushy. I am not sharp or focused. I caught an interesting podcast whilst soaking on Tapestry. In this episode Karen Armstrong talks about the value of wonder in a despairing world. Give it a listen if you have time. It is very interesting. It made me think about this morning on the ski trail. I love snapping photos. I want to capture the magic to hold and look at again. It is impossible, of course, but I still try.
It was very foggy today. The grey of the sky was so soft and velvety and the trees with the hoar frost…I was gazing at it all. Then a woman glided by. Her jacket was a peacock blue, so bright and luminous. So beautiful. I tried to capture the wonder of it. She glided away faster than I can dig my camera out of my ski pants. I resigned myself to watch the wonder and beauty of the moment. It did occur to me that I might be just a wonder, too, in my tangerine red ski jacket. I felt awe by the wonder of it.
There are many wonders around us and in our lives that can give our spirits a boost. Sometimes all we need to do is to stop, sit, listen, watch and remember. I’m thinking back again to March of 2011 and my memories of time in Ghana. I’m remembering some of the wonders of that time.
Last Week – March 31, 2011
I’m on a countdown of my days in Ghana. In exactly one week I will be winging my way back home. Before I came, someone asked me if I have been in a Third World country before. I guess they were worried about how I will fare. Or maybe it was because they were surprised on their first trip here and wantedme to be prepared. And since I’ve been here, people have asked how do I like Ghana. Does anything about it resonate with me? Hard questions to answer. Well, not hard to answer on a superficial level. As a tourist it is easy to say that I love my stay here. I can hear the ocean from my bed and the breezes are warm and soothing. Everything is new to me….my physical surroundings, the people, the politics, the colours…..everything.
On a much more personal level, I am unable to tell what it is that I feel about Ghana. I have not been homesick the time I’ve been away. I have not missed my suspended life….the cold or snow. I have not missed my work. You can say that I am really away. I do miss my family and my Sheba. At times, I would really like to have free running clean water from the faucet….water that I can drink and to brush and rinse my teeth with in abundance! And I wouldn’t mind having hot water to shower or shampoo my hair with. So, I’m learning to really appreciate what a valuable resource water is. And I would be able to have that most of the time, had I been staying in an upscale hotel instead of an eco-lodge. I’m not feeling that this has been a hardship or a deprivation. It has been an experience. I have a very privileged life back home. And I can have a very privileged life here if I choose. The question, of course, is do I wish such? I have always enjoy hard work and being an independent woman.
One week left! Impossible to know if I will miss Africa till I leave it and see..….
onethousandandtwo 