Tag Archives: Quiet

IN THE QUIET

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IMG_6119I have been wandering silent in the desert.  I could not find nor utter any words.  It is as if I am empty of everything.  It is not a bad thing.  It is just what it is – a time for the quiet.

In the quiet, I am learning to be still within myself.  I’m finding that it is safe to stay here in this moment, in this space.  No need to rush off.  There is no emergencies, no one to rescue – except myself.  I can be here for me.

My time in the desert is coming to an end.  It is time well spent, getting acquainted with myself, feeling my body, its sensations, its discomforts and staying the whole while.  I have learned to weather all the changes and storms like the majestic mountains.  I am standing tall and rooted to the ground – steady and strong.  I am understanding of being grounded. I am here today and not gone tomorrow.

I love the desert with its silence and barren beauty.  I will come back again and again.  It nourishes me and makes me feel whole.

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WHEN I CAN’T SLEEP

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I hate those nights when I can’t sleep.  Though you try not to stress it, that’s where you end up anyways.  How else could you not be, without sleep?

I find myself here again, tonight, sipping tea and tapping at my keyboard.  Sheba is asleep, curled in her bed, beside me.  How I envy her.  But I will not dwell on that or on frustration.  Instead, I will pause my thinking.  I close my eyes and listen to the quiet.

I can rest, if not sleep in the quiet.  I can breathe into the spaciousness of the night.  I can release all my worries, angst and judgements.  I can let go of the past and dreams of the future.  I can just be here now, in the night, tapping out my words….with no stress or need to be profound.

AS IF

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I woke up this morning with a sense of ‘wishy washy’, not wanting to get out of bed.  Somehow my body knew that the day was overcast and cloudy…not inviting at all.  I was not filled with vim but maybe vinegar.

But at least I was not filled with dread, a sense of impending doom.  My heart was not in my mouth.  My heart was not anywhere. But I got out of bed anyways, washed my face, brushed my teeth, made my tea….the whole morning thing.  I read another part of Susan Cain’s book, Quiet, the Power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking.

The book is helping me to understand my ‘eccentricity’, my quirks, my not enjoying having fun.  Is that a contradictory phrase?  I am understanding myself as an introvert and my Chinese-ness.  We have a propensity for thoughtfulness, study, the quiet….like Confucius and Lao Tzu.  So what chance do I really have of being a gregarious Chinese cheerleader?

At long last, I’m beginning to accept myself as I am.  This morning I tell myself it is okay that I don’t feel overwhelming joy.  I don’t have to cheer, ZIP, BOOM, BAM, HURRAH!  I can just mosey along at my snail’s pace.  I’ve just cracked my first smile of the day.

Routine and good habits are wonderful.  They can save your day and life when you can’t.  Though I feel slow as a turtle and ugly as a frog, I’m moving right along.  In my head I’m moving as if I have the speed and ease of a gazelle and the grace and beauty of fairy princess.  I can enjoy life as a quiet feast.  And we, the Chinese certainly enjoy feasting.

Breakfast and dishes are done and put away.  Sheba and I have tripped the light fantastic around the neighbourhood.  The sun is out.  It is as if the clouds never were.