WHY I WRITE

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You might wonder why I write and make posts on social media. Someone once unfriended me on Facebook because they thought I was so prolific. Ever since then, I feel a bit self conscious. I know it is silly but I feel obligatory to explain. So here I am.

I write because I love words and ideas. It helps to organize my brain. Writing is an action. It helps me to remember words, how to use and spell them. If neglected, I forget and have to rely on google and spellcheck. You know what can happen then. The written word registers more with me than the oral. I can read directions whereas I don’t follow verbal ones that well. I’ve learned how to cochet, knit, and other things through written directions.

I’ve learned how to operate my Bernina 790 sewing machine that way. It is a very complicated machine with many functions. I could not retain much of the directions from the in-person hour session at the store. But the manual is always at my fingertips and I can refer back to it time and time again. When I follow each of the steps on my own, I understand it more.

Writing is a way of working out problems for me. It is a mental workout, releasing mental and emotional stress through mental perspiration. Pictures also work that way for me. I post photos and words on social media not because I’m full of myself. Most of them are pretty boring and mundane stuff, but they are interesting to me. Putting words and pictures together is an art form to me. It’s how my brain works. It gives me pleasure. It’s a good enough reason and easy enough to do to stay a bit sane and happy.

WHAT AND HOW

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I haven’t done very well at all at starting, never mind starting over. I am stuck at the starting line forever and a day. Each day I would say later, then it’s tomorrow. And tomorrow never comes. But I’m finally sitting before my keyboard – to see if I can locate that unstuck button and get to GO.

I am not afraid but am ashamed to say I’m not feeling any joie de vivre -no exuberant enjoyment of life at the moment. I wonder where it all went. I feel grey and detached like dirty dishwater. But not to worry. I am not standing on any high ledges and in danger of falling over. I am stuck. I do not need to be rescued. I am just doing some heavy sighing, not complaining or feeling sorry for myself.

Life and some relationships are long journeys. Even if you are in paradise, there’s bound to be some troubles. I say it’s good to bitch a little, to say it as it is. But I am careful (if I’m mindful) to rant in a safe place to a safe person. When I’m miffed, I just need an ear, not advice. I don’t want someone to disagree with me and give me a lecture. It makes me feel worse. I feel angrier and therefore a bad person. I want that someone to be on my side no matter what and not defend the other. Too much to ask for, I know.

So I am just sighing and pondering on the what could give me back that excitement of just being alive and how to get there. I am proud that I’ve at least come back to my safe space and tap out a few words. Words always had some magic for me. Words and pictures. Cross my fingers for some magic to come my way.

WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY

It’s a cool cloudy October 23 at -3℃ at 10 pm. This is rather late to be writing a post for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. It is how it is and I am again at a loss as to what to write. My cold is much better so I am a happier camper. My head is not thick and hollow at the same time. I’m seeing the world through different eyes now. Life is not as heavy. I can breathe a little easier. And that makes me happy.

What makes me happy seems like a good topic. The house is quiet and peaceful. I’m at the keyboard with my thoughts and words. I’m happy at the task. Things are not exactly flowing but they are trickling out. I’m surrounded by some of my artwork. I brought them out in my search for what brings me joy. They show the happiness within me much better than words. Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words. Other times words paint a picture in my mind’s eye.

STILLNESS

IMG_6947I see life in words and pictures.  And if I was to choose a word for 2015, it would be STILLNESS.  I see the beauty of it right before my eyes – so brilliant and still.  It awaits me, telling me I can do it.  It is within reach if I wish.  All I have to do is nothing.

I have not been good at stillness, at doing nothing.  Even at rest, my hands betray me with their tapping, their fluttering.  My thoughts run away every chance they get.  My mind is not a restful place.

With no more STATS or Code Blues to run to, no call bells to answer, no one’s call of nature to take care of except my own, is it any wonder that I’ve been a little more quirky and unsettled the past year?  I have been like a runaway train on a roller coaster, careening out of control.  There is no one to save except myself.

STILLNESS is a good word for me.  It stills the flutter in my heart, quiets the voice in my head.  You are not so powerful, it whispers.  You can’t fix everything.  I glide smoothly into the warmth of the water and it is totally silent.  I’m blowing bubbles through my nose and mouth.  I have no room for thoughts as I lift my arm up and roll my face out of the water to breathe.  I roll my face back, blowing bubbles and lift my other arm.  I follow the black line at the bottom of the pool.  Lift, roll, breathe, roll, lift over and over the length of the pool.

IMG_2135I am suspended from thoughts, held in the moment, breathing and living in stillness.  It is stillness and silence that I want for 2015. Let me just be for then, perhaps I can see clearly and hear the call of my heart. I have time to be still.  There is no fire, no one to rescue.  There is just me for now.