It’s day 4 of Reverb15.  Today’s prompt and image come from Kathleen Jowitt.  She writes:

As the year ends, and we look back at the joys, achievements and disappointments of the past twelve months, it’s worth taking some time to recognise what our efforts have demanded of us and where our resources have been depleted.

Whether you have spent 2015 bringing some long-cherished project to fruition or simply trying to keep your head above water, it’s likely that this has come at some cost to you.

How can you replenish your (physical, mental, spiritual and/or emotional) resources? What do you need most of all at this moment?

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I am sure many of us arrived in December feeling the weight of the past year heavy on our shoulders.  I know I have.  It is wonderful that I have this revue, Kat McNally’s Reverb, to unload that weight.  Musing and words have always been my way of breathing in and out.  I am breathing in and out as I tap, tap out my thoughts.  I am relaxing and talking to myself.  My words and thoughts are all about myself, so no worries.  I am laying no blames, giving no excuses.  Nothing personal, OK?

2015 was one hell of a struggle, treading and treading, trying to keep my head above water. I had a project or two.  The biggest one was trying to ‘fix’ myself.  I wasn’t good enough, kind enough, generous enough, ***enough.  Enough!  Right?  Why is it that I/we feel this way?  I am sure I am not alone in this.

I failed fixing myself.  Instead I ended up harming myself more. I discovered that I did not need ‘fixing’.  Coming through the trauma of unravelling, I saw what I need was to love myself – MORE.

I am doing that – learning to love myself slowly and steadily.  New habits are difficult to learn, even loving oneself.  So I take it easy with the ‘musts’, ‘should’ and ‘have to’. I splurge a little on feeling good – nice sheets, dark chocolate, books…  No going overboard on anything.  I swim and have dates with myself. I tell myself what I like about myself.  I try to change what I don’t like.  I am luxuriating in the kindness to myself.  I have to stop writing and let that feeling sink in.