Tag Archives: generosity

ENTITLEMENT and GUILT

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I’m bitching again. I’m disappointed and disillusioned again. I am being naive and childish that I am so surprised by how people behave. I was harvesting my carrots at our community garden this morning when I was approached by a woman walking by. I don’t know how elderly she was but she was using a walker. What she wanted was some of my carrots. She didn’t say so directly but asked if my neighbouring plot had carrots to spare. I said I could give her a few, choosing my bigger and better looking ones for her. Still she asked if my neighbour have carrots to spare. I was exasperated and said, I’ve just given you some. She replied, It’s not enough! I really like carrots.

I was really sorry that I had given her some. Still she made me feel guilty, a tightwad, not generous in sharing more of my bounty for she could see that I have a pailful with more carrots to harvest. I hate myself for falling into these kinds of traps. I wonder if I have VICTIM written on my forehead. A friend once asked me to cosign a large loan. When I asked why she didn’t ask her brother or sister, she said they have children and responsibilities. I felt guilty for saying no. I ‘loaned’ her $2,000. But it was really a gift. Later, she could not remember the amount. Then there’s the neighbour who told me I was ‘ripe for picking’, that I had ‘asked for it’ from another neighbour. She was very right, of course. I had fallen for her tears and friendliness because she needed someone to tend to things for her. When that was over, she had no sympathy for me or need of me.

Well, I am not sorry I am what/who I am. I am happy that I am human and have the capacity to feel for others, that I can be moved by tears and needs. I am also happy that I am a little wiser and see through someone’s sense of entitlement and manipulation. I have more confidence. Though I still falls into these traps and guilty feelings, I rebound out of them quickly. Any time I or anyone give something, no matter the amount, it is an act of generosity. If you don’t like it, too bad. Don’t ask and it shan’t be given.

SO THIS IS CHRISTMAS

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Sometimes life sings to me.  This morning I am hearing John Lennon’s So This is Christmas.  I hope it is a good one.  I hope the war is over and there will be no fear.

I am choosing to have a good Christmas – full of good cheer.  Sometimes it is  a matter of intention, no matter where in life we are.  What better time of year than now to reset my intention button, polish up my halo and shine this little light of mine.

At the top of my Intention List I have put Generosity.  I am talking about generosity of gifting through the heart.  I am doing generosity aerobics to exercise and stretch my heart muscles.  They protest at times and I have had to quiet their noises.  It takes practice and practice but it’s well worth the effort.

So this is Christmas.  I am full of gratitude.  Another year is almost over and a new one about to begin.  I wish you all a very peaceful Christmas and may we all have a good year.

ON KINDNESS AND GENEROSITY

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“I believe that if, at the end, according to our abilities, we have done something to make others a little happier, and something to make ourselves a little happier, that is about the best we can do.  To make others less happy is a crime.  To make ourselves unhappy is where all crime starts.  We must try to contribute joy to the world.  That is true no matter what our problems, our health, our circumstances.  We must try.  I didn’t always know this, and am happy I lived long enough to find it out.”

– from LIFE ITSELF, Roger Ebert

It is a rainy Saturday morning.  My clouds have lifted a little.  I am out of bed, dressed and sitting here sipping tea and tapping out my words.  I am grateful that they come one by one, spelling out my story, easing my pain and lighting my way.  What a gift I have been given!  At least I can express myself, warning others that a woman has fallen…momentarily.  But she will get up again.

What I have learned lately is that I am not a kind or generous person.  My kindness and generosity only extends to others.  And that is a false thing.  It has surprised me to hear patients telling me that I am so kind and so gentle to them.  Can’t they tell I am just boiling inside?  It surprises me they take my sourness for humour.

Yesterday, I was confronted by a neighbour in conversation,  even though I tried hard to avoid her.  I felt my unkindness then.  I felt my heart constricting in meanness, no generosity coming forth.  I kept my eyes downcast, answering politely.  It was very difficult but I did not want to listen to her woes.  I did not want to see her tears.  I did not want to be her keeper – when it suited her.

That was yesterday.  Today I realize that I was being kind and generous to myself.  I am a nurse, a caretaker.  But I don’t have to take care of everyone.  I can’t.  I don’t have the power.  I feel my meanness coming out when I neglect myself. And without kindness, there cannot be generosity.

To myself I have to be true.  I am doing the best I can.  Perhaps I can do better tomorrow.

 

ATTENTION, INTENTION, GENEROSITY, GRATITUDE

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I have come to the conclusion that Sheba has a divine purpose in my life.  She is here to show me how to live….that is that I must start each day with attention, intention and joy.  I must leap forward each morning with generosity of spirit and gratitude in my heart for all that I am and all that I have.

Every once in awhile, I catch glimpses of how perfect and wonderful our universe and my life are.  It’s like a jigsaw puzzle with all the pieces falling into place.  I feel a stillness in the air and I know that I feel God’s presence.  He comes to me every once in awhile, in those magic moments and I am awed and gratified.

THANK YOU for all that there is and all that I am.